Pissed Mom off
 

I'm the oldest daughter of alcoholic parents which I've grown up watching them abuse each other and themselves with the substance my entire life. I've moved myself away from both of them and kept them at arms length to establish my own life with out all of their drama. Recently I depended on my mother to house sit for me while on a trip, which she was more than excited to do considering that she doesn't have her own place. While watching my animals, she made herself quite comfortable spending time with my friend, and drinking and smoking cigarettes through out the entire week in my home. Going into my bedroom and wearing my clothes. I never confronted her about this as these are only accusations of mine, however I did mention this to my sister who immediately ran back to my mother and filled her with every detail. Needless to say my mother is extremely upset with me and lied about what she did while in my home and called me crazy for getting upset with these actions. I haven't talked with her in two weeks now and in a way its nice, but I also feel bad. Am I in the wrong for getting upset and uncomfortable with her behavior in my home?

Hi winterblues, welcome to the forums.

I know for me I have a very hard time establishing and enforcing boundaries where my family is concerned. It is a new survival skill I am learning that very often leads to tension with my family who never understood or respected boundaries before.

It is your responsibility to let your family know what you are comfortable with and what is no longer acceptable.

It doesn't seem that easy for me as any feelings that I try to explain to my family gets taken as an attack to them. Maybe because I've always been the strong one, and I'm not supposed to feel violated or burdened by anything? Should I make the attempt and apologize for my feelings or is it better to keep distance and let things be?

I vote for keeping your distance until you can get clear about what you boundries need to be with them

No need to explain anything to them. Explain it to yourself and see if it can help you to set some good boundries.

I have a lot of conflict with my family boundries is a very bad problem in our family for me I have to keep them at a distance even if I am in close quarters with them. They will steal anything they can get their hands on. I have even had to change my name so my sister won't be tempted to use my name when she gets arrested or does one of her scams. Protect yourself and do whatever it takes to do that...

So you think that I should've been specific about not drinking or smoking in my home? Staying out of my things? I guess that I just assumed that this would be clear as I'm a non smoker and left my room closed. I'm mostly upset with my sister for running back and relaying all of this information to my mother knowing that it was only going to upset her and cause a fight with me. My sister hasn't contacted me since this happen, you would think that she would feel guilty?

Oh, I so know how you feel. I could have written that exactly.
I don't know what to say to that cause I'm in the same boat,
but did want to say that I can relate to how your feeling.

Is your sister an alcoholic or sober? I don't know why she would relay this information back to your mother either, but it would be a while before I trusted her again! :(

I think you have a right to be frustrated about her using your clothes etc but will it achieve anything other than to perhaps give her a warning for next time? (permitting that there will be 'another' time)

My sister called me today after 2 weeks and apologized for spilling the beans, and causing such havoc! I actually wasn't upset with her, and feel really guilty for not talking to her for so long. She's not the problem here, it's the alcoholic that's started this whole thing. At this time neither my sister or myself are speaking with my mom because we're to our wits end with her lying and constant drama. It feels good to have my sister back and know that we can be there for each other to get through all of this emotion going on. I only wish that my mother would feel anything right now, you would think that her two daughters not being able to talk or be around her might wake her up and reevaluate her life? I guess this isn't rock bottom yet, I guess that things have to get even worst. I just know that I can't just sit around and wait for that to happen, I'm spending enough of my time waiting for her to call me and thinking about the cruel things that she said to me while drunk! This message board is a really good source of venting for me thanks so much to everyone who responds. :)