tomalso

Hi,

I'm hoping for some help. One of my biggest issues as an ACOA is that I have a deep inner feeling that no-one will really love me if they really know me.

You know, all those fears inside your head; and the bad things you do, and your failings in the past...all gets wrapped up in my head and I'm sure no-one will want to love someone like me.

It ends up making me feel so worthless...and if I'm involved with someone (as I am now) I end up not asking for what I want because I'm afraid they'll say no--but I go overboard taking care of them because I feel that's all they can really care for about me, that I "do" for them...how can they want me? I just can't believe it...

Can someone help me believe it? Can someone help me with something that will let me reach peace in my head and heart that someone can, and does, love me just for me, not for what I do for them?

Thanks...

best

*HUGE HUG*

SR is filled with people that understand and will love you as you are.

bikewench

Hey Tomalso

A warm welcome to SR.



Yeah.. I'll pop that request on the Universe as well...

Deep down... I don't think I'm worth the water to wash my body.

And I lay most of that on my mother's door.
My father was too busy whoring around, drinking and causing shyte for his family, to be bothered with self esteem issues...
Of course ... it was a combination.. that I know.. ;o)

Bottom line though...

I will either explode on you... or I'll be a quivering pile of emotional slop.

I never learned the inbetween stuff...

Or my chameleon type abilities...
Hail.. I'll be whatever you want me to be.. ;o)

I think on my past... and where it left me today... and I'm crying I'm so pissed off.

Fighting this downward drag all the time.

And as much as I wish I haven't... I've passed some of this crap onto my daughter... so.. I get to fight with this person I love more than my own life...

But.. disagreements are normal...

right..??

For some...
For me.. it's devestating.
I never learned that there was resolution after a fight.
Ya see... in our family... you either left.. or you just stayed f'n angry and livid... and you didn't talk... you hit stuff.. or people... or you broke things.

day after day.



Even the good days were fraught with peril... for my father needed to drink to help himself have a good time.. so...

I think he was drinking the wrong spirits though... ;o)
cause we always seemed to end in a wreck. Christmas... whatever. Didn't matter.

So now.. at 50.. I'm trying to learn how to live without causing pain. Me or others.

I realize that I must evaluate all the messages I give myself...
But it's hard when a person's view of themselves is biased eh.. ;o)

I keep thinking that .. one day.. I'm gonna get my thinking straight.. and I'm not gonna hurt anymore...

lol...

wonder who planted that bit of reasoning in me...lol

kennethhoff

tomalso -

This is a core issue of children of alcoholics. Why? Because we never got that love as children, never were told we were loved, valued as individuals, had any self-esteem built, etc.. And though we went thru life as functioning adults, that core issue never went away. I felt like this too beofre I started Alanon and therapy. There is no magic anwser or cure. The only real anwser starts from looking within. It starts by saying that we are wonderful, lovable human beings JUST AS WE ARE! Everyone has some issues. Even if no one knows them, all people do. But each day we have to start, to erase all the habitual tapes running thru our mind that we are not lovable. We ARE!. You ARE! Does it happen over night, no. But each day we practice just a little bit until those tapes start to change towards a more positive self-image. We are ALL lovable and deserve to be loved, but it won't happen until we love ourselves first, UNCONDITIONALLY!

It begins with us first!
Peace,
Ken

blueglass

Personally, I think that ACoA, who recognize that their experiences have left an imprint on who they are, and aware that they need help, and begin the process of recovery are THE kindest, most loving people in the world. Think about it... you dealt with so much as a child.. and it made you sensitive to things around you. We think before we act, because we saw the actions of the alcoholic parent in our lives who did things without thinking, and it was rarely if ever a good thing. We regard the feelings of others, trying if possible not to hurt anyone. We are hyper aware of "the ripple effect", because we've experienced it firsthand. While the experience of growing up with an alcoholic in my life wasn't a good one, without it, I wouldn't be the person I am now, and recognizing my own worth was the first step in my recovery. It hasn't been easy, but SO worth it.

Anyone would be lucky to have you. You have worth. You're here! You want to come to terms with the past, while most people struggle to pretend it never happened. Anyone who wouldn't love you because you grew up with an alcoholic is someone you don't need in your life anyway - an intelligent person would know that it was a situation beyond your control. You survived it, and you have a world of knowledge to pass onto anyone smart enough to listen.

I don't know if anything I've said will help, but Ken is right - the first step is to love yourself. When you do that, respect and love from others will follow.

tool

I myself am a ACOA and also an alcoholic if that makes sence? I don't know what it's like to grow up in a home with an alcoholic parent even thought I had one! my mother made sure I would'nt half to grow up with a drunk around me 24/7 she and my dad lived apart my whole life, I guess I was lucky in a way? it still affect me and I always wanted to be a normal kid! but I was'nt, everytime I spent time with my dad he was drunk and even when I was real small I knew something was wrong with him. But he never hurt me physically and he always told me he loved me and till this day I belive that he realy tried too. But as I aged I relized that my dad was sick and even thought he choose not to get help and he finally died from his sickness I don't blame him, I don't know how to blame a man for being sick? my life has been hard and relasionships are so hard for me I don't know how to keep them? but I belive everyone has there someone out there someone who can understand you completely as long as your honest I always tell guys I'm realy in too, about my family life and let them decide if they think they can handle me? and many have left but someday one won't! so I guess I belive honesty pays the best price? but I could be wrong?

L8YNRED

This "if they knew me, they couldn't possibly love me" thing has been a tough one. Some of the things that happened TO me, I wrap into the why of it. As if it were something I did, not something that was done to me. It is very twisted.

I, too, have done the "I will be what or who you want me to be so you will love me". It was a disaster every time.

Lately, I'm thinking if I don't know me and love me, then how could anyone else?