What do you tell people about your family?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
What do you tell people about your family?
I really am afraid to tell anyone who doesn't already know my family what they're like or what our relationship is now - nonexistant. People are so judgemental! they think I'm some kind of horrible selfish monster if I admit that I never speak to my mother and that I dont' even know where any of my siblings live (let alone that one brother has sworn to kill me if he could ever find me). Friends from childhood know (the few I still have) and relatives from outside the nuclear circle understand and support me but that's it.
My only chance at normalcy is to leave those psychos in the dust and give them no place in my life. But especially this time of year someone gets nosy and insistant and wants to know why I'll be spending the holidays alone when everyone else is having parents in or going away to parents or something. They always assume that there's something wrong with me to treat my family so shabbily and they refuse to understand that my family is downright dangerous - how could that possibly be?? families LOVE each other! your mother LOVES you! how dare you shut her out like that??
Sometimes I tell people I'm an orphan. It's not literally true but figuratively it's right on the money. I once described my relationship with my family to a counselor as having been raised by wolves. She responded that wolves are very good parents and I replied that Sure for wolf cubs they are. They're terrible at raising humans though.
My only chance at normalcy is to leave those psychos in the dust and give them no place in my life. But especially this time of year someone gets nosy and insistant and wants to know why I'll be spending the holidays alone when everyone else is having parents in or going away to parents or something. They always assume that there's something wrong with me to treat my family so shabbily and they refuse to understand that my family is downright dangerous - how could that possibly be?? families LOVE each other! your mother LOVES you! how dare you shut her out like that??
Sometimes I tell people I'm an orphan. It's not literally true but figuratively it's right on the money. I once described my relationship with my family to a counselor as having been raised by wolves. She responded that wolves are very good parents and I replied that Sure for wolf cubs they are. They're terrible at raising humans though.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
who is asking you this? a lot of people wont ever wake and realise we dont all live in a brady bunch xmas special. anyone who judges you for your family is not worth maintaining a relationship to, that shows a lack of willingness to understand and a lack of compassion. noone knows unless theyve walked in your shoes. when i told friends that my father wasnt at xmas the whys whys why, my my arent people nosy buggers, saying well hes a sociopathic psychotic with alcholism and drug addictions, he also raped and beat us a lot so we hate and fear his presence or at the most nowadyas pity his soul.,,,no that doesnt go down well. people can be very selfish and dont like to hear about traumatic stuff unless theyve been there or have a lot of compassion.
one of the best things ive learnt in recovery is to say, "i dont want to talk about it". if someone judges me for that, let them because i surround myself with postive, patient and loving people, not those who would crucify or negate me for not having a healthy family.
one of the best things ive learnt in recovery is to say, "i dont want to talk about it". if someone judges me for that, let them because i surround myself with postive, patient and loving people, not those who would crucify or negate me for not having a healthy family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I tell them the truth. My biological mom didn't call me for years because I told her not to call unless she was sober. I would not take her calls if she was blitzed. Same for my dad.
Most people whom I shared that with were very undersanding and kind. Once in a while I would get somebody who wishes they could do the same with their parents. Those I would invite to a meeting. Even more rare are those who think I was wrong for protecting myself from drunks, those people I hand a directory of meetings to AA.
Mike :-)
Most people whom I shared that with were very undersanding and kind. Once in a while I would get somebody who wishes they could do the same with their parents. Those I would invite to a meeting. Even more rare are those who think I was wrong for protecting myself from drunks, those people I hand a directory of meetings to AA.
Mike :-)
Day by day....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Hi,
I'm pretty much honest by saying my family and I don't get along very well - or I choose not to spend time with them. If they decide to press and pry and shame me - they'll probably get some details they really didn't want to hear in the first place. If they are offended by the details perhaps they will learn to keep the questions to themselves the next time they encounter the same situation. I find that most people are either sorry they pressed the issue or they hear something they can relate to and are relieved to find that there are others who feel the way they do.
I am at a point in my life where I could really care less if people look down on me because of the bad relationship I have with my parents, the details of my bad childhood or the non-existent relationship I have with my other family members. If they judge me or frown on me - they probably aren't the people I want to associate with anyway. So press me - and you might hear more than you bargained for.
Again - this is just me - but I have found that this approach does three things:
1) It assures that the nosy nellie won't be asking me any more questions about my holiday plans and family relationships.
2) That the next time they encounter a person who chooses to spend holidays AWAY from their family - they won't be so quick to ask nosy and inappropriate questions. They'll probably remember doing so with me and won't be too eager to repeat it with someone else.
3) If it's someone who relates to what they hear - I've made another friend who shares similar experiences and feelings so we can exchange stories, strength and hope.
I'm pretty much honest by saying my family and I don't get along very well - or I choose not to spend time with them. If they decide to press and pry and shame me - they'll probably get some details they really didn't want to hear in the first place. If they are offended by the details perhaps they will learn to keep the questions to themselves the next time they encounter the same situation. I find that most people are either sorry they pressed the issue or they hear something they can relate to and are relieved to find that there are others who feel the way they do.
I am at a point in my life where I could really care less if people look down on me because of the bad relationship I have with my parents, the details of my bad childhood or the non-existent relationship I have with my other family members. If they judge me or frown on me - they probably aren't the people I want to associate with anyway. So press me - and you might hear more than you bargained for.
Again - this is just me - but I have found that this approach does three things:
1) It assures that the nosy nellie won't be asking me any more questions about my holiday plans and family relationships.
2) That the next time they encounter a person who chooses to spend holidays AWAY from their family - they won't be so quick to ask nosy and inappropriate questions. They'll probably remember doing so with me and won't be too eager to repeat it with someone else.
3) If it's someone who relates to what they hear - I've made another friend who shares similar experiences and feelings so we can exchange stories, strength and hope.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
ohhhhhh wow - did I happen onto the right thread or WHAT!?
I've told people that my family lives "too far away" to get together - which really *IS* true, just in the - ummmm - metaphysical sense.
In the years I've been in recovery, it works for ME to be as honest as possible - forces me to see/admit the truth I guess. AND to keep it as simple as possible.
I've reverted back to what my Ma always told us kids while we were growing up, about "WHY?!?!?" we're not going to Grandma + Grandpa's house for Xmas -
"Holidays are for being at home with your own little family."
Hey - works for me. Even the years where "my family" was me, my 6' iguana, and my 2 rabbits.
- Ok, THOSE years weren't really understood by my human family members, but I digress. -
I remember 'Dear Abby' (years ago) advising replying to nosy questions with a question of your own: "Now WHY would you ask me THAT?!?"
I used that one year when I was still married to ex-AH. Co-workers wouldn't let it drop about WHY I didn't want to go to my in-laws' infamous xmas get-together. It didn't work with one young women so I told her the truth.
"There's 50 bazillion of them, they all drink to excess. The year before AH + I had gone and 10 minutes after we'd left, a massive fist fight broke out, the sheriff was called and 4 of the family spent the night in jail. One went to jail after being stitched up in the ER. One was female.I'm staying home this year.
Just agreeing with and echoing what BeginAgain said: "If they judge me or frown on me - they probably aren't the people I want to associate with anyway. So press me - and you might hear more than you bargained for."
Brightest Blessings to All,
Blue
I've told people that my family lives "too far away" to get together - which really *IS* true, just in the - ummmm - metaphysical sense.
In the years I've been in recovery, it works for ME to be as honest as possible - forces me to see/admit the truth I guess. AND to keep it as simple as possible.
I've reverted back to what my Ma always told us kids while we were growing up, about "WHY?!?!?" we're not going to Grandma + Grandpa's house for Xmas -
"Holidays are for being at home with your own little family."
Hey - works for me. Even the years where "my family" was me, my 6' iguana, and my 2 rabbits.
- Ok, THOSE years weren't really understood by my human family members, but I digress. -I remember 'Dear Abby' (years ago) advising replying to nosy questions with a question of your own: "Now WHY would you ask me THAT?!?"
I used that one year when I was still married to ex-AH. Co-workers wouldn't let it drop about WHY I didn't want to go to my in-laws' infamous xmas get-together. It didn't work with one young women so I told her the truth.
"There's 50 bazillion of them, they all drink to excess. The year before AH + I had gone and 10 minutes after we'd left, a massive fist fight broke out, the sheriff was called and 4 of the family spent the night in jail. One went to jail after being stitched up in the ER. One was female.I'm staying home this year.
Just agreeing with and echoing what BeginAgain said: "If they judge me or frown on me - they probably aren't the people I want to associate with anyway. So press me - and you might hear more than you bargained for."
Brightest Blessings to All,
Blue
Freak, no Leash
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Let me chime in here
Casual acquaintances I don't really tell anything to, because I don't think it's any of their business. It's not a shame factor, I just don't feel like people who aren't important in my life in the big scheme of things need to know. My friends know everything there is to know. If someone happens to ask me about my family, I tell them the truth, but in a sanitized form. Not lying, just not getting into the details. I always say "I have an older brother and a sister, my mom is still alive, and my father died in '94." Sometimes they'll ask me from what, and I tell them "cerebral hemmorage," because that's what is on his death certificate. If the subject of alcoholism comes up, I'll probably tell them that my dad was an alcoholic, but I don't get into the abuse.
People who would judge you based on the actions of family members straight up have issues. Don't let them deflect them onto you.
Casual acquaintances I don't really tell anything to, because I don't think it's any of their business. It's not a shame factor, I just don't feel like people who aren't important in my life in the big scheme of things need to know. My friends know everything there is to know. If someone happens to ask me about my family, I tell them the truth, but in a sanitized form. Not lying, just not getting into the details. I always say "I have an older brother and a sister, my mom is still alive, and my father died in '94." Sometimes they'll ask me from what, and I tell them "cerebral hemmorage," because that's what is on his death certificate. If the subject of alcoholism comes up, I'll probably tell them that my dad was an alcoholic, but I don't get into the abuse.
People who would judge you based on the actions of family members straight up have issues. Don't let them deflect them onto you.
Truth Seeker
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
Hi! ( I am New)
i never never told anyone, but my boyfriend about my family. He is actually the first person i have ever told in my life. Not even my closest friends, whom i've knkown for nearly 10 years now, don't know about my dad or my family. What is worse only like 2-3 people from my extended family really knows how he is. I actually never talked about how my family really is with others until recently. We had to write a paper about one thing i would change about myself and i wrote about my family. It was so weird because not a single person in my class i knew, but i did it anyway. It turn out to be not that bad and i had a couple of people in my class who had the same issues so they understood, which was a nice change. My dad is the alcoholic in my case with an anger management issue... and honestly i tell people that my mom is a single mom because really... she has been both mother and father to me and my siblings. It is hard because people assume like they know how it feels to be in this situation. They think that because my dad is screwed up then i am just a screwed up and I am the one with issues. I hate the holidays because every holiday is the same... it ends up with my dad causing chaos & a huge fight with my mom in front of everyone and anyone. Plus I understand where mushroom is coming from about spending the holidays alone. There is nothing wrong with that and i wish i could do that.
i never never told anyone, but my boyfriend about my family. He is actually the first person i have ever told in my life. Not even my closest friends, whom i've knkown for nearly 10 years now, don't know about my dad or my family. What is worse only like 2-3 people from my extended family really knows how he is. I actually never talked about how my family really is with others until recently. We had to write a paper about one thing i would change about myself and i wrote about my family. It was so weird because not a single person in my class i knew, but i did it anyway. It turn out to be not that bad and i had a couple of people in my class who had the same issues so they understood, which was a nice change. My dad is the alcoholic in my case with an anger management issue... and honestly i tell people that my mom is a single mom because really... she has been both mother and father to me and my siblings. It is hard because people assume like they know how it feels to be in this situation. They think that because my dad is screwed up then i am just a screwed up and I am the one with issues. I hate the holidays because every holiday is the same... it ends up with my dad causing chaos & a huge fight with my mom in front of everyone and anyone. Plus I understand where mushroom is coming from about spending the holidays alone. There is nothing wrong with that and i wish i could do that.
Daughter/sister/widow/lover
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sierra Nevadas CA
Posts: 35
You don't have to tell anybody anything you don't want to tell.
I have a daughter who is extremely thin. It's totally natural for her. People she has never met think it's okay to say things like "omygawd you're so skinny, don't you ever eat?" or "how much do you weigh?". I always told her that when people ask rude questions you can answer however you like = "omygawd you're so fat, do you eat all the time?" or "I weigh about half as much as you" or "what do you want to know for?". Rude questions deserve rude answers.
However, simply asking what you are doing for Christmas isn't rude. It's conversation. If "I'm staying home" isn't a good enough answer, then "I'd rather not be traveling when the roads are so busy" or "I'm staying home because that's where I want to be" should suffice. Maybe then you could direct the conversaton back to THEM somehow. Most people would rather talk about themselves anyway.
I have a daughter who is extremely thin. It's totally natural for her. People she has never met think it's okay to say things like "omygawd you're so skinny, don't you ever eat?" or "how much do you weigh?". I always told her that when people ask rude questions you can answer however you like = "omygawd you're so fat, do you eat all the time?" or "I weigh about half as much as you" or "what do you want to know for?". Rude questions deserve rude answers.
However, simply asking what you are doing for Christmas isn't rude. It's conversation. If "I'm staying home" isn't a good enough answer, then "I'd rather not be traveling when the roads are so busy" or "I'm staying home because that's where I want to be" should suffice. Maybe then you could direct the conversaton back to THEM somehow. Most people would rather talk about themselves anyway.
Freak, no Leash
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
You're right, Idget... everyone thinks that the holidays (and birthdays.. and baptisms... I could go on.. really *lol) are times when families pull together and fake the funk. I had been doing that for the past few years with my brother's family. My brother and I have had a messed up relationship since 1994. He was in the military, and he'd call home, speak to my father (the alcoholic), who would complain about how my mother and I were treating HIM, and brother dear believed every single word. So, when dad's drinking finally caught up to him at 72 years of age, my brother came home with a chip on his shoulder. Not knowing that I had, six months prior, attempted suicide, and then messed up so badly that I couldn't go back to college, he began interrogating me about what I was going to do with my life. My father hadn't been dead a week. His insensitivity towards me at that time was unbelievable, and we haven't been close since.
Well, now he has this perfect life, perfect wife (another source of drama, because she's my 1st cousin.. but that's another show!), perfect home, and every opportunity he gets, he likes to kinda show it off. When he and his family visit our area (they live an hour away), they stay at his mother in law's house, even though ours is less than 1/2 a mile away. Sometimes, we don't even know they're up here. And we're supposed to jump everytime they invite us to a family affair at their house.
This year, I refused to play along. I didn't go to their house for Thanksgiving, and I didn't go anywhere near them for Christmas. I think it's almost dysfunctional to get together with people who, 362 days out of the year get under your skin, just because it's a holiday. This year I decided to do something that made me happy, so on both days I played an online game with my sister When other family members asked how my holidays were, I said "Nice and quiet, just what I needed," which is my standard answer. It keeps people from asking anything further, and it implies that you were alone because it was your choice.
Well, now he has this perfect life, perfect wife (another source of drama, because she's my 1st cousin.. but that's another show!), perfect home, and every opportunity he gets, he likes to kinda show it off. When he and his family visit our area (they live an hour away), they stay at his mother in law's house, even though ours is less than 1/2 a mile away. Sometimes, we don't even know they're up here. And we're supposed to jump everytime they invite us to a family affair at their house.
This year, I refused to play along. I didn't go to their house for Thanksgiving, and I didn't go anywhere near them for Christmas. I think it's almost dysfunctional to get together with people who, 362 days out of the year get under your skin, just because it's a holiday. This year I decided to do something that made me happy, so on both days I played an online game with my sister
When other family members asked how my holidays were, I said "Nice and quiet, just what I needed," which is my standard answer. It keeps people from asking anything further, and it implies that you were alone because it was your choice.
green lion
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Charlottesville, VA
Posts: 2
If you hang in there long enough and pay attention, you'll discover that there are a lot more people out there with alcohol/drug problems in the family than you might expect. Part of the profile for families lie ours is that there is a tendency to cover it up in so many ways.
Best to everyone in this often tricky holiday time!
Best to everyone in this often tricky holiday time!
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
You do not owe anyone any explanations where your family is concerned and you do not have to lie for anyone. Tell them you and your family are no longer in contact with each other and that you have no wish to discuss the matter any further.
Your friends will respect your boundaries and if anyone takes issues with it then that's their stuff......
Your friends will respect your boundaries and if anyone takes issues with it then that's their stuff......
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