Oops! Asking parent too many questions
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Oops! Asking parent too many questions
Today, I got to a section in the book I'm reading ("Perfect Daughters" by Robert J. Ackerman) where he talks about Adult Daughters of Alcoholic Mothers. I began reading the section, even though it was my dad that was the boozer in our family, and then I wondered if that was a section I should just skip. So..... since I live at home, and my mother is alive... I asked her if she was an alcoholic when I was younger. If she had been a bomb, she would have just exploded.
In summary, she was pissed that I asked her that, said it was a "stupid question," and when I told her why I was asking, her reply was "If I was an alcoholic when you were a kid I'd still be one today." We all know that's not true. So I said "You said Grandma was an alcoholic when you were growing up, and that she doesn't drink at all anymore," and she replied "Your Grandmother is an alcoholic." When I reitterated that she didn't drink anymore, she said "She's STILL an alcoholic."
She never did really answer my question, just got mad that I asked... and got me so upset that I'm trying (and failing) to fight off tears. I e-mailed my older sister and asked her, since her memory might be better than mine. I'm hoping to get a reply instead of preached at, since my sister and my mother nearly mirror each other.
I need to move out, I know that. Financially I'm not able, and the only place I'd be able to go is, unfortunately, to my sister's house. I stayed with my sister for 2 months over the summer, and I was never in my life as glad as I was when I was packing to leave. I had to keep ducking into the room where my stuff was and doing a happy dance, then wipe the smile off of my face when I was walking through the living room, loading up my mom's car.
In the meantime, all I can do, really, is just shut up. Every conversation I have with her disintegrates into an argument, and I'm very sensitive to things, it upsets me to my core. I guess that I'm going to have to do my recovery work all on my own, and quit thinking that I have such a good relationship with my mom that she'll be a catalyst in helping me heal, when she's becoming the exact opposite.
In summary, she was pissed that I asked her that, said it was a "stupid question," and when I told her why I was asking, her reply was "If I was an alcoholic when you were a kid I'd still be one today." We all know that's not true. So I said "You said Grandma was an alcoholic when you were growing up, and that she doesn't drink at all anymore," and she replied "Your Grandmother is an alcoholic." When I reitterated that she didn't drink anymore, she said "She's STILL an alcoholic."
She never did really answer my question, just got mad that I asked... and got me so upset that I'm trying (and failing) to fight off tears. I e-mailed my older sister and asked her, since her memory might be better than mine. I'm hoping to get a reply instead of preached at, since my sister and my mother nearly mirror each other.
I need to move out, I know that. Financially I'm not able, and the only place I'd be able to go is, unfortunately, to my sister's house. I stayed with my sister for 2 months over the summer, and I was never in my life as glad as I was when I was packing to leave. I had to keep ducking into the room where my stuff was and doing a happy dance, then wipe the smile off of my face when I was walking through the living room, loading up my mom's car.
In the meantime, all I can do, really, is just shut up. Every conversation I have with her disintegrates into an argument, and I'm very sensitive to things, it upsets me to my core. I guess that I'm going to have to do my recovery work all on my own, and quit thinking that I have such a good relationship with my mom that she'll be a catalyst in helping me heal, when she's becoming the exact opposite.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Tropical Island
Posts: 76
The code of silence that held true in my family of origin still remains in effect today.
There are some things about my past that I will simply never know because members of my family still find it hard to talk about.
Some questions to my mother is usually met with shrugs monosyllabic responses or just plain silence.
I have learned not to push. My recovery is my own responsibility and I do not want to cause my mother any further pain by pressuring her to talk.
However I am not afraid to speak out when I observe certain dysfunctions unfolding in my family. Much to the ire of my mother.
I will not pressure her to speak, but neither will I compromise what I know is right.
There are some things about my past that I will simply never know because members of my family still find it hard to talk about.
Some questions to my mother is usually met with shrugs monosyllabic responses or just plain silence.
I have learned not to push. My recovery is my own responsibility and I do not want to cause my mother any further pain by pressuring her to talk.
However I am not afraid to speak out when I observe certain dysfunctions unfolding in my family. Much to the ire of my mother.
I will not pressure her to speak, but neither will I compromise what I know is right.
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
hi Tiro 
After I posted today, I immediately called my friend who is in the exact same situation that I am, except that he's recovering from substance abuse. He's 42, lives at home with his mom, and coincidentally, his mom and mine were friends growing up. I called to talk to him, and he sensed my need to get out and talk, so we went out for a while.
I also emailed my sister. She and my friend both said the same thing to me, almost what you stated. My recovery may be casting a light on her that she doesn't want. She may feel guilty about having allowed the abuse we suffered as children go on for as long as it has, and is taking my questions as accusations instead of how they're meant. After 4 hours of talking to my friend, I've kinda decided that I don't necessarily have to have clarity on my past. What I need to do is focus on how I'm feeling now, my own memories of what happened then, and heal, with no more input from my mother. She's not willing or able to assist in this venture of mine, and the truth is that I don't need her to be. It would be nice, to be able to bounce ideas off of her and see if any of them still stick, but it's not necessary.
So I've decided to, from this point on, go this route alone. My sister may be willing to discuss certain things, but unless it's offered, I'm not going to ask. I can't continually react to my mother's dysfunction, because then I allow it to control my emotions. I'm going to try very hard not to let that happen anymore.
After I posted today, I immediately called my friend who is in the exact same situation that I am, except that he's recovering from substance abuse. He's 42, lives at home with his mom, and coincidentally, his mom and mine were friends growing up. I called to talk to him, and he sensed my need to get out and talk, so we went out for a while.
I also emailed my sister. She and my friend both said the same thing to me, almost what you stated. My recovery may be casting a light on her that she doesn't want. She may feel guilty about having allowed the abuse we suffered as children go on for as long as it has, and is taking my questions as accusations instead of how they're meant. After 4 hours of talking to my friend, I've kinda decided that I don't necessarily have to have clarity on my past. What I need to do is focus on how I'm feeling now, my own memories of what happened then, and heal, with no more input from my mother. She's not willing or able to assist in this venture of mine, and the truth is that I don't need her to be. It would be nice, to be able to bounce ideas off of her and see if any of them still stick, but it's not necessary.
So I've decided to, from this point on, go this route alone. My sister may be willing to discuss certain things, but unless it's offered, I'm not going to ask. I can't continually react to my mother's dysfunction, because then I allow it to control my emotions. I'm going to try very hard not to let that happen anymore.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: new york, ny
Posts: 7
I need a sanity check. I was going to post this, then thought it was too full of anger, but reading your post Blueglass about your mom's difficulty in talking about the past... maybe this post will make other people feel less "crazy" in the face of so much denial. Please excuse the evident sarcasm, anger & frustration below... I really can't help it right now. I'm doing the best I can today and I'm right in the middle of getting honest with myself and my family. Guess what? They don't want to hear it. Surprise! I'm on my own.
So it turns out I've imagined that my dad is an alcoholic. Everyone else just thinks he's an ******* and my brother advises me to not listen to that alanon crap and stand by him because alcohol isn't the problem, though he concedes that it might be a symptom. I guess years of drunken stupors, lost jobs and verbal and physical abuse had nothing to do with alcoholism. Neither did his going to aa, becoming indoctrinated, spouting off program speak and not drinking for 15 years. Neither did his father's alcoholism, nor his sons. But dad's not an alcoholic. My brother, who is an admitted alcoholic (recovered) and ought to know of what he speaks feels that only people who can't stop physically guzziling booze and are basically in the gutter are alcoholics. He thinks there are a whole lot of people in AA who aren't alcoholics. Presumably people like my dad.
So, am I crazy? Is my brother crazy? Is there an important distinction between a mean, belligerant, narcissistic drunk who drinks a A LOT and a true alcoholic? If so, then I missed Wayne Kristsberg's message entirely. Because reading his ACoA Syndrome book, it sure sounded like dad is a big ol' alcoholic. Anyone have any thoughts on this? I would really value your hard-earned experience.
Of course, I know none of this matters because I don't want to be around my dad now that he is drinking again and I'm glad I told him that (in a very blunt and caring manner) and I am getting help without my family. That is the bottom line.
But I have to say it was a fresh blow to hear my brother deny what I am experiencing as the truth. He didn't "know where I was coming from" with this and that pretty much sums up my family's attitude towards me any time I have opened my mouth about anything real or unpleasant. Mom never wanted to hear about it. She would flat out deny episodes from my childhood. She had no idea why I was an angry teenager. I've never understood how she can live in such denial. But then again, it must be hard to face letting your husband beat your son unconcious for years. But my brother? He is in AA for the love of God. I suppose recovery isn't as black and white as I had thought. It's like the earth will open up and we'll all fall in if someone dares speak about dad's alcoholism or abuse. And this is all just par for the course, huh? Welcome to recovery indeed.
So it turns out I've imagined that my dad is an alcoholic. Everyone else just thinks he's an ******* and my brother advises me to not listen to that alanon crap and stand by him because alcohol isn't the problem, though he concedes that it might be a symptom. I guess years of drunken stupors, lost jobs and verbal and physical abuse had nothing to do with alcoholism. Neither did his going to aa, becoming indoctrinated, spouting off program speak and not drinking for 15 years. Neither did his father's alcoholism, nor his sons. But dad's not an alcoholic. My brother, who is an admitted alcoholic (recovered) and ought to know of what he speaks feels that only people who can't stop physically guzziling booze and are basically in the gutter are alcoholics. He thinks there are a whole lot of people in AA who aren't alcoholics. Presumably people like my dad.
So, am I crazy? Is my brother crazy? Is there an important distinction between a mean, belligerant, narcissistic drunk who drinks a A LOT and a true alcoholic? If so, then I missed Wayne Kristsberg's message entirely. Because reading his ACoA Syndrome book, it sure sounded like dad is a big ol' alcoholic. Anyone have any thoughts on this? I would really value your hard-earned experience.
Of course, I know none of this matters because I don't want to be around my dad now that he is drinking again and I'm glad I told him that (in a very blunt and caring manner) and I am getting help without my family. That is the bottom line.
But I have to say it was a fresh blow to hear my brother deny what I am experiencing as the truth. He didn't "know where I was coming from" with this and that pretty much sums up my family's attitude towards me any time I have opened my mouth about anything real or unpleasant. Mom never wanted to hear about it. She would flat out deny episodes from my childhood. She had no idea why I was an angry teenager. I've never understood how she can live in such denial. But then again, it must be hard to face letting your husband beat your son unconcious for years. But my brother? He is in AA for the love of God. I suppose recovery isn't as black and white as I had thought. It's like the earth will open up and we'll all fall in if someone dares speak about dad's alcoholism or abuse. And this is all just par for the course, huh? Welcome to recovery indeed.
Freak, no Leash
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
hi Darwin! Sorry for the late reply, I've actually been busy for a change
Wouldn't it be nice if when one person in a family decided to get healthy, everyone else followed suit? There's always a resistance to other people doing good things for themselves, because it brings up things they don't want to deal with. If a fat person decides to lose weight, people begin telling them that they look fine, bringing or making them fattening foods.. and often times they're not even aware of their blatant sabotage. Alcoholic families are thrown into such chaos that we all begin to live in survival mode, even when it's not necessary. Maybe part of your brother's denial is that he just can't bear to uncork the reality on the past. I think that's why my mom got so upset (although I found out last night that she told my sister during a phone call that my question hurt her feelings.. guess it was easier to scream at me instead of telling me that) about a simple question.
I have read recently that if one parent was an alcoholic and the other was co-dependant (which my mom was), the experience is like living with two alcoholics. If I had read that before I opened my mouth, she and I would have never had that conversation, I would have already known.
Siblings are funny. My brother once spoke to me about the abuse he suffered, and his attempt at bonding with me was to tell me that he thought he got abused worse than my sister or myself. I was going to explain to him that it wasn't the abuse itself, but the after effects that were important, but I realized, like you seem to have with yours, that my brother is living in his own reality. So I just let him live there.. my recovery isn't dependant anymore on anyone else validating my experience.
Wouldn't it be nice if when one person in a family decided to get healthy, everyone else followed suit? There's always a resistance to other people doing good things for themselves, because it brings up things they don't want to deal with. If a fat person decides to lose weight, people begin telling them that they look fine, bringing or making them fattening foods.. and often times they're not even aware of their blatant sabotage. Alcoholic families are thrown into such chaos that we all begin to live in survival mode, even when it's not necessary. Maybe part of your brother's denial is that he just can't bear to uncork the reality on the past. I think that's why my mom got so upset (although I found out last night that she told my sister during a phone call that my question hurt her feelings.. guess it was easier to scream at me instead of telling me that) about a simple question.
I have read recently that if one parent was an alcoholic and the other was co-dependant (which my mom was), the experience is like living with two alcoholics. If I had read that before I opened my mouth, she and I would have never had that conversation, I would have already known.
Siblings are funny. My brother once spoke to me about the abuse he suffered, and his attempt at bonding with me was to tell me that he thought he got abused worse than my sister or myself. I was going to explain to him that it wasn't the abuse itself, but the after effects that were important, but I realized, like you seem to have with yours, that my brother is living in his own reality. So I just let him live there.. my recovery isn't dependant anymore on anyone else validating my experience.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
