Derail that train! or, Obsession ... for women ACOAs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Derail that train! or, Obsession ... for women ACOAs.
I bet I'm not the only one here who does this.
Without fail, if there's a man in my life who is just absolutely unavailable, I will develop an insatiable crush on him.
Sometimes I know right from the start that he's unavailable, like he wears a wedding ring.
Other times I had just no way of knowing and I end up wondering, after I realize that he's gay or severely depressed or seriously does NOT like me or whatever, how on earth did I know?? there was nothing obvious when I first met him. I really thought it would be different this time ...
So whenever I'm attracted to someone, I start running this mantra through my head - 'it's no good. you can't have him. he doesn't like you/he's married/he's gay/he's psycho.' It's positively tortuous, and just destroys my self esteem. Currently I'm obsessing over a guy at work (married). Now he is a really great guy, and I'm sure I'd feel just the same about him even if he were available, and I'd bet money he also has, or at least did have for a while, a crush on me too (he's at that age, mid life crisis and all). But I'm just spending way too much energy thinking about him and how I can't have him. Now there is no way I would get involved with a married man - no future in that, and how could you build a relationship with someone who is cheating on their SO? I'd lose all respect for him and for myself. And when it's not him I'm thinking about, it's another guy, who doesn't even like me although he's always polite and he laughs at my jokes - two very attractive characteristics. So always running through my head is either 'you can't have him' or 'he doesn't like you'. How unpleasant!
Sure I know why I'm attracted to this guy. Near as I can tell he's a wonderful husband and father and I've never had either in my life - a father unworthy of the title, and two pretty worthless husbands (one severely depressed, the other alcoholic). And he is a gentleman. A very rare bird. And he talks to me. Not just chit chat. Deep and important stuff, worth listening to. Who could resist all that?? And I figure, so long as we don't do anything, what's the harm in thinking about it? but I just can't stop thinking about it, and how I can't have it, and it's that last part that's killing me.
If I meet someone who is available, I assume there's something seriously wrong with him (married/gay/psycho), or if there isn't, then that he can't possibly like me. And strangely enough, they really don't ever seem to like me! so there I have validation.
Without fail, if there's a man in my life who is just absolutely unavailable, I will develop an insatiable crush on him.
Sometimes I know right from the start that he's unavailable, like he wears a wedding ring.
Other times I had just no way of knowing and I end up wondering, after I realize that he's gay or severely depressed or seriously does NOT like me or whatever, how on earth did I know?? there was nothing obvious when I first met him. I really thought it would be different this time ...
So whenever I'm attracted to someone, I start running this mantra through my head - 'it's no good. you can't have him. he doesn't like you/he's married/he's gay/he's psycho.' It's positively tortuous, and just destroys my self esteem. Currently I'm obsessing over a guy at work (married). Now he is a really great guy, and I'm sure I'd feel just the same about him even if he were available, and I'd bet money he also has, or at least did have for a while, a crush on me too (he's at that age, mid life crisis and all). But I'm just spending way too much energy thinking about him and how I can't have him. Now there is no way I would get involved with a married man - no future in that, and how could you build a relationship with someone who is cheating on their SO? I'd lose all respect for him and for myself. And when it's not him I'm thinking about, it's another guy, who doesn't even like me although he's always polite and he laughs at my jokes - two very attractive characteristics. So always running through my head is either 'you can't have him' or 'he doesn't like you'. How unpleasant!
Sure I know why I'm attracted to this guy. Near as I can tell he's a wonderful husband and father and I've never had either in my life - a father unworthy of the title, and two pretty worthless husbands (one severely depressed, the other alcoholic). And he is a gentleman. A very rare bird. And he talks to me. Not just chit chat. Deep and important stuff, worth listening to. Who could resist all that?? And I figure, so long as we don't do anything, what's the harm in thinking about it? but I just can't stop thinking about it, and how I can't have it, and it's that last part that's killing me.
If I meet someone who is available, I assume there's something seriously wrong with him (married/gay/psycho), or if there isn't, then that he can't possibly like me. And strangely enough, they really don't ever seem to like me! so there I have validation.
Freak, no Leash
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
Are you my long lost twin sister? *lol*
For me, it was a self esteem issue. It still is, to a certain extent. I thought I was ugly all the way through grade school, high school, and throughout my 20s. I either found myself attracted to gay men (figured out that issue quick.. had to do with feeling 'safe'), or married/attached men. That way, instead of me going to the "I'm ugly" routine, I could just blame it on them being unavailable.
I lost some weight, and started feeling better about myself, but that fat psychopath that still exists in me often steers me into trouble. I still find myself sometimes being attracted to the wrong guy or the wrong type of guy, and she'll want to blame it on being ugly. It takes a lot of effort, but I put her in check by taking a long look in the mirror, and thinking rationally. Not everyone is going to like me, but that is not a negative reflection of who I am, and I can't let it be. What I try to do now is not invest so much in someone... keep my heart out of it in the beginning, and see what develops. I actually have met someone recently, and I've decided this time that I'm not "interviewing" him to be a potential mate. I'm looking at him as a possible new friend to add to the group, and let the chips fall where they may. Doesn't mean I won't end up a little bruised, but who doesn't in the dating process?
Bruises heal... but the psychological scars we inflict on ourselves by falling for the wrong guy seem to last for a while.
For me, it was a self esteem issue. It still is, to a certain extent. I thought I was ugly all the way through grade school, high school, and throughout my 20s. I either found myself attracted to gay men (figured out that issue quick.. had to do with feeling 'safe'), or married/attached men. That way, instead of me going to the "I'm ugly" routine, I could just blame it on them being unavailable.
I lost some weight, and started feeling better about myself, but that fat psychopath that still exists in me often steers me into trouble. I still find myself sometimes being attracted to the wrong guy or the wrong type of guy, and she'll want to blame it on being ugly. It takes a lot of effort, but I put her in check by taking a long look in the mirror, and thinking rationally. Not everyone is going to like me, but that is not a negative reflection of who I am, and I can't let it be. What I try to do now is not invest so much in someone... keep my heart out of it in the beginning, and see what develops. I actually have met someone recently, and I've decided this time that I'm not "interviewing" him to be a potential mate. I'm looking at him as a possible new friend to add to the group, and let the chips fall where they may. Doesn't mean I won't end up a little bruised, but who doesn't in the dating process?
Bruises heal... but the psychological scars we inflict on ourselves by falling for the wrong guy seem to last for a while.
Freak, no Leash
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 50
LOL! Just had to get that laugh outta my system 
I think it's amazing how much we all think, at various times, that we're the only one, when the person standing next to us is probably thinking the same thing.
I think it's amazing how much we all think, at various times, that we're the only one, when the person standing next to us is probably thinking the same thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
When I was in middle school I started to fantasize about having a companion. I'd be packed in the car with all my siblings for instance and pretend that a boy I liked from school was accompanying me - 'cause otherwise I was all alone in that car full of siblings and parents. Or anywhere else I was, wherever it was or whoever was there, I was all alone so I would conjure up someone to be with me.
I guess I'm still doing the same thing now! when I obsess over someone I can't have. Everywhere I go I'm thinking about having him there with me. But like I said earlier, I just never have had any men in my life who were worth a damn in any role - father, brother, husband or anything.
I guess I'm still doing the same thing now! when I obsess over someone I can't have. Everywhere I go I'm thinking about having him there with me. But like I said earlier, I just never have had any men in my life who were worth a damn in any role - father, brother, husband or anything.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
theres some childhood stuff in it for me. being head over heels in someone unavailble feels to me like im still waiting for that emotionally abandoning parent to be there. i loved my parents depsite everything, loved in some way through all the hate and rage because as a child thats what a child does to survive, it attaches to its parents in the form of an emotional bond. similar people to my parents come into my life, theyre familiar, my psyche thinks we can fulfill those unment needs and so im drawn to those unavailable people. chances are i get mighty pissed off if anything does happen and then surprise it doesnt work out with us living together forever in eternal bliss. theres also the whole forbidden fruit thing. the more unhealthy and chaotic the better i used to say.
i worked on myself, worked the steps. i dont feel drawn to married men as much, but when im approached by them in THAT way i tell them to go home and tell their wife why they fell in love with her, committed to her just to play the field with me. im not a side dish or the dark secret lover and in learning to be healthier myself, i do get attracted to healthier people, i still relate better to people whove been through some **** but to the ones who are working at getting better.
most of all i found when i was drawn to the unavailable ones i was picking them so i could justify yes all men were gay, straight, bastards, aliens whatever and be the victim again and again (subconsciously) i wouldnt have to RISK being rejected by someone who for all parts was open to a relationship. i wouldnt have to look at my part. ultimately i looked within and saw there were parts of me closed off to a loving relationship because i didnt even know they were there. regardless of being a women or male acoa, this has def been an issue for me.
i worked on myself, worked the steps. i dont feel drawn to married men as much, but when im approached by them in THAT way i tell them to go home and tell their wife why they fell in love with her, committed to her just to play the field with me. im not a side dish or the dark secret lover and in learning to be healthier myself, i do get attracted to healthier people, i still relate better to people whove been through some **** but to the ones who are working at getting better.
most of all i found when i was drawn to the unavailable ones i was picking them so i could justify yes all men were gay, straight, bastards, aliens whatever and be the victim again and again (subconsciously) i wouldnt have to RISK being rejected by someone who for all parts was open to a relationship. i wouldnt have to look at my part. ultimately i looked within and saw there were parts of me closed off to a loving relationship because i didnt even know they were there. regardless of being a women or male acoa, this has def been an issue for me.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by utopia
ultimately i looked within and saw there were parts of me closed off to a loving relationship because i didnt even know they were there. regardless of being a women or male acoa, this has def been an issue for me.
Chess
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