passing as normal
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: new york, ny
Posts: 7
passing as normal
I'm curious whether any of you can relate to the concept of "passing" as a "normal" person or a "pretty good" girl. I have had my share of self destructive behavior and cries for help, but since that didn't get me the love and supposrt of my family, I pretty much just said screw them and stopped hurting myself so dramatically. Once I got myself thru college (mostly in a drunken, painful ptsd stupor) I "escaped" to New York, the city of lost souls and escapees of dysfunctional families, it seemed the thing to do was to move on and be the person that my new "family"(friends) encouraged me to be. They all thought I was fabulous, just a little troubled (which only makes you more interesting here).
I feel now that I am trapped between two worlds. I have always viewed myself as a survivor more than a victim and have been functional, though of course, I would NEVER let myself be really successful. I just pass. It's so wonderful to just be average, I mean that to me has been success! And since most people don't know that I'm actually this screwed up, abandoned little girl who was put down by her parents---I'm not sure who I really am. That girl? Or a mostly happy 30something who makes a bundle in a job she pretty much likes and has mostly good relationships and self medicates only about once a month- much less than some of the "normal" people I know.
I have done a lot of work on/for myself in the last 5 years, but never specifically addressed the ACOA thing. Of course this has always been the rotting carcass in the closet- poisoning every aspect of my life, but it was too painful to look at it, so I danced around it, dealing with my anger, my comittment phobia, my abandonment fears, my low self esteem -all in little pieces, never even letting my therapists look in the back of that closet. At least I have hope now that I can get better. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that you all are out there...Recovering. And that I did not imagine or overblow the extent of my hurt. I am just starting, and still very full of anger and fear. Please bear with me and my overly long posts. I hope I can someday feel as much gratitude for MYSELF as I feel for all of you right now. My favorite saying has always been "this too shall pass". I never realized the irony though until now. A
I feel now that I am trapped between two worlds. I have always viewed myself as a survivor more than a victim and have been functional, though of course, I would NEVER let myself be really successful. I just pass. It's so wonderful to just be average, I mean that to me has been success! And since most people don't know that I'm actually this screwed up, abandoned little girl who was put down by her parents---I'm not sure who I really am. That girl? Or a mostly happy 30something who makes a bundle in a job she pretty much likes and has mostly good relationships and self medicates only about once a month- much less than some of the "normal" people I know.
I have done a lot of work on/for myself in the last 5 years, but never specifically addressed the ACOA thing. Of course this has always been the rotting carcass in the closet- poisoning every aspect of my life, but it was too painful to look at it, so I danced around it, dealing with my anger, my comittment phobia, my abandonment fears, my low self esteem -all in little pieces, never even letting my therapists look in the back of that closet. At least I have hope now that I can get better. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that you all are out there...Recovering. And that I did not imagine or overblow the extent of my hurt. I am just starting, and still very full of anger and fear. Please bear with me and my overly long posts. I hope I can someday feel as much gratitude for MYSELF as I feel for all of you right now. My favorite saying has always been "this too shall pass". I never realized the irony though until now. A
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Darwin, great post.
Trust me, we've all got a rotting carcass or two in the closet.
Some of us are better at covering it up than others.
The point is, that thing will keep right on stinking up your life until you deal with it and kick it to the curb.
The real you is in there, I promise.
It's just a matter of doing a little excavating to let her back out.
Trust me, we've all got a rotting carcass or two in the closet.
Some of us are better at covering it up than others.
The point is, that thing will keep right on stinking up your life until you deal with it and kick it to the curb.
The real you is in there, I promise.
It's just a matter of doing a little excavating to let her back out.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Most of my adult life was spent reacting to my childhood until I almost had a breakdown. Or did I have a breakdown? I was certainly depressed and acting out. I didn't even get that my past had led me to that point until much later. It was the mess I had created in the present that had my head spinning.
If I had addressed that carcass sooner perhaps my life would not have spun so far out of control. I was 40 when that happened. If you have a clue now while you are thirty take it and run with it. There is nowhere to go but up.
Welcome to SR!
If I had addressed that carcass sooner perhaps my life would not have spun so far out of control. I was 40 when that happened. If you have a clue now while you are thirty take it and run with it. There is nowhere to go but up.
Welcome to SR!
Day by day....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Hi darwin,
I can completely relate to the concept of "passing for normal". I think I've spent my life doing just that, while on the inside I knew something wasn't quite right. I like to equate it to wearing a mask of normalcy. Pretending to be just like everyone else while feeling inadequate, off center and just plain different. I grew up doing that from a very young age. I could adapt to become just about anything or anyone I needed to be if it meant I wouldn't be abandoned, criticised, laughed at, shunned or abused.
I can also relate to the self sabatoge that is so unconscious. I could never allow myself to really soar - even when I had the ability to do so.
I am on a journey at this time to figure out just who I am, what I like and dislike and what I really want. Taking care of me and getting to know that "little girl" on the inside must become a priority now. I'm tired of surviving, adapting, appologizing and changing me to fit someone elses requirements. The truth is I'll never be good enough, successful enough, pretty enough or smart enough to fit the part my dad wrote for me. It's time to write my own story.
I am also in my 30's and I've recently gotten in touch with my anger and fear. I want to know who I really am. I don't want to be a chameleon anymore and I don't want to bend and change to suit someone else anymore. I am in recovery from drug addiction. I am 72 days clean today from a year long relapse that almost took my life and sanity. I had almost 11 years clean before the relapse and this was my wake-up call. All things happen for a reason and in some ways I'm grateful for this relapse becuase it's pushed me down a new path of self discovery. I too am just starting work in the ACOA realm. I'm learning an awful lot. I'm also reading alot about personality disorder because in addition to the alcoholism and drug addiction of my childhood my dad also has (no doubt about it) characteristics of almost every personality disorder ever recorded and possible a few new ones nobody has ever heard of. LOL I am like a sponge right now. I read this stuff and go - OH MY GOD someone else does that????
Good luck on your new journey and welcome. Like you I was thrilled to find others who could relate and who for once were actually "just like me" instead of me having to pour myself into a mold that made me more "normal" - just like "them". I am an open book and I'm willing to share with anyone who needs someone to listen.
Janet
I can completely relate to the concept of "passing for normal". I think I've spent my life doing just that, while on the inside I knew something wasn't quite right. I like to equate it to wearing a mask of normalcy. Pretending to be just like everyone else while feeling inadequate, off center and just plain different. I grew up doing that from a very young age. I could adapt to become just about anything or anyone I needed to be if it meant I wouldn't be abandoned, criticised, laughed at, shunned or abused.
I can also relate to the self sabatoge that is so unconscious. I could never allow myself to really soar - even when I had the ability to do so.
I am on a journey at this time to figure out just who I am, what I like and dislike and what I really want. Taking care of me and getting to know that "little girl" on the inside must become a priority now. I'm tired of surviving, adapting, appologizing and changing me to fit someone elses requirements. The truth is I'll never be good enough, successful enough, pretty enough or smart enough to fit the part my dad wrote for me. It's time to write my own story.
I am also in my 30's and I've recently gotten in touch with my anger and fear. I want to know who I really am. I don't want to be a chameleon anymore and I don't want to bend and change to suit someone else anymore. I am in recovery from drug addiction. I am 72 days clean today from a year long relapse that almost took my life and sanity. I had almost 11 years clean before the relapse and this was my wake-up call. All things happen for a reason and in some ways I'm grateful for this relapse becuase it's pushed me down a new path of self discovery. I too am just starting work in the ACOA realm. I'm learning an awful lot. I'm also reading alot about personality disorder because in addition to the alcoholism and drug addiction of my childhood my dad also has (no doubt about it) characteristics of almost every personality disorder ever recorded and possible a few new ones nobody has ever heard of. LOL I am like a sponge right now. I read this stuff and go - OH MY GOD someone else does that????
Good luck on your new journey and welcome. Like you I was thrilled to find others who could relate and who for once were actually "just like me" instead of me having to pour myself into a mold that made me more "normal" - just like "them". I am an open book and I'm willing to share with anyone who needs someone to listen.
Janet
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: new york, ny
Posts: 7
Thanks! I appreciate your words so much. And I'll be here reading your stories too with lot's of warm vibes pointed your way.
I went to my first alanon meeting tonight and would you believe, I knew two people there from other areas of my life? Well, you probably would. Chuckle. Life does go on. I spoke and it felt good. I am so relieved to be outted. Honesty without fear of judgement is a beautiful thing. xoa
I went to my first alanon meeting tonight and would you believe, I knew two people there from other areas of my life? Well, you probably would. Chuckle. Life does go on. I spoke and it felt good. I am so relieved to be outted. Honesty without fear of judgement is a beautiful thing. xoa
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Glad to meet ya, Darwin,
Welcome to the wonderful world of recovery. I did my share of "passing", but on the other side in Los Angeles. I was never any good at it.
Glad you found us, I'm looking forward to hearing your opinion on all the stuff we discuss 'round here.
Mike :-)
Welcome to the wonderful world of recovery. I did my share of "passing", but on the other side in Los Angeles. I was never any good at it.
Glad you found us, I'm looking forward to hearing your opinion on all the stuff we discuss 'round here.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
darwin, a warm welcome to recovery.
working the steps, for me, is the way to have a clear sense of WHO I AM and to feel safe and confident in expressing that. in recovery i respect and value what others think and feel but I DO NOT measure myself by it, i at least try.
i was a very well mannered little boy but as a teenage i erupted in rage and then my young adulthood has swayed from being either. i often have felt suffocated by a social strangulation that i would just act "crazy" to prove to the world that i didnt give a shite what they thought of me. i see that i was letting myself be controlled by others there, being overaware of the slightest glance upon me and being heavily self-absorbed, not so much through arrogance or selfishness but through fear, perfectionism and a strong desire to be accepted and approved, to be validated, to be wanted and loved, to be securely safe and to belong. i didnt like who i was, i hated it and i thought if it was shown i would destroy people, i would be hated and i would never ever beable to fool my prince charming into comiung along and take me as his partner, soulmate and eternal queen, lord and companion,,,,i was insane! but thank god for recovery, thank god for the steps that guide my progress into feeling healthier, safe with myself, the courage and strength to be able to express who i am and what i want in my life. and the acceptance to release it to my higher power, the god of my understanding. i grow, always and forever, i grow in wisdom and each day i love myself more, am gentler on myself and my human frailties and limitations.
i can only be what i am, try my best and leave the rest up to god. what others think of my progress, or lack of it is their stuff. i aim to value but be less affected and less aiming to mold my core being around the comfort of others...to be myself, warts and all as they say, look in the mirror and mean it when i say to myself "i honestly love you"
working the steps, for me, is the way to have a clear sense of WHO I AM and to feel safe and confident in expressing that. in recovery i respect and value what others think and feel but I DO NOT measure myself by it, i at least try.
i was a very well mannered little boy but as a teenage i erupted in rage and then my young adulthood has swayed from being either. i often have felt suffocated by a social strangulation that i would just act "crazy" to prove to the world that i didnt give a shite what they thought of me. i see that i was letting myself be controlled by others there, being overaware of the slightest glance upon me and being heavily self-absorbed, not so much through arrogance or selfishness but through fear, perfectionism and a strong desire to be accepted and approved, to be validated, to be wanted and loved, to be securely safe and to belong. i didnt like who i was, i hated it and i thought if it was shown i would destroy people, i would be hated and i would never ever beable to fool my prince charming into comiung along and take me as his partner, soulmate and eternal queen, lord and companion,,,,i was insane! but thank god for recovery, thank god for the steps that guide my progress into feeling healthier, safe with myself, the courage and strength to be able to express who i am and what i want in my life. and the acceptance to release it to my higher power, the god of my understanding. i grow, always and forever, i grow in wisdom and each day i love myself more, am gentler on myself and my human frailties and limitations.
i can only be what i am, try my best and leave the rest up to god. what others think of my progress, or lack of it is their stuff. i aim to value but be less affected and less aiming to mold my core being around the comfort of others...to be myself, warts and all as they say, look in the mirror and mean it when i say to myself "i honestly love you"
Daughter/sister/widow/lover
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sierra Nevadas CA
Posts: 35
I not only "passed as normal", I look downright successful.
Good girl
Good student
Good daughter
Good employee
Good mother
Nice lady with a
Nice house
Nice car
Nice clothes
Nice kids
I just kept pouring perfume on that rotting carcass like it wasn't gonna stink no more.
It still stinks.
So I'm trying to learn not to cover up the stench, just open the window and let the sunshine and fresh air come in. Eventually, nature will take its course and the carcass will become your average, everyday skeleton and won't stink anymore.
Sometimes I do great, sometimes not so great, but at least I am learning.
Good girl
Good student
Good daughter
Good employee
Good mother
Nice lady with a
Nice house
Nice car
Nice clothes
Nice kids
I just kept pouring perfume on that rotting carcass like it wasn't gonna stink no more.
It still stinks.
So I'm trying to learn not to cover up the stench, just open the window and let the sunshine and fresh air come in. Eventually, nature will take its course and the carcass will become your average, everyday skeleton and won't stink anymore.
Sometimes I do great, sometimes not so great, but at least I am learning.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
Once again I'm amazed that I'm not alone in this. I still haven't learned how to accept help or even how to ask for it so I just continue to fool everyone with my "I can deal with everything" mask while inside I crumble.
So many times I've heard compliments from people that they envy this or that from me. If only they knew, right?
I'm getting near the point of crashing. Everything seems to be building up and my old ways of coping (read hiding) seem to make everything much worse. I'm just sitting and waiting for it all to unfold. No idea how this is going to turn out.
So many times I've heard compliments from people that they envy this or that from me. If only they knew, right?
I'm getting near the point of crashing. Everything seems to be building up and my old ways of coping (read hiding) seem to make everything much worse. I'm just sitting and waiting for it all to unfold. No idea how this is going to turn out.
Daughter/sister/widow/lover
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sierra Nevadas CA
Posts: 35
Chess - Hang tough. Take care of yourself first. Say 'no' to things you don't really want to do or that are not your responsibility. Rest. Eat something healthy. Breathe deep. Read something that is good for your mind - Courage to Change or Melodie Beatty or the bible or whatever works for you. If you feel like you want to holler, holler. Don't worry about what the neighbors think, it feels good to get it out of you. Try asking your HP for help - no one except you needs to know that you asked. Treat yourself like you would a very dear friend who was in need of TLC.
and if you crash anyway, know that you have a bunch of airbags here at SR to help keep you from hurting yourself too badly... I for one have crashed a number of times, but I always survive, and I come here to read and share and it really helps.
and if you crash anyway, know that you have a bunch of airbags here at SR to help keep you from hurting yourself too badly... I for one have crashed a number of times, but I always survive, and I come here to read and share and it really helps.
Day by day....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
chess....I truly "feel" where you are coming from. I am super employee, super wife, super mom, super cook, super taxi service, super grocery shopper, bill payer, dog feeder, sanitation worker, dishwasher, floor sweeper, phone caller, alarm clock, chines laundry service....need I go on? My feelings, wants, needs just kept getting shoved to the back of the list. But I allowed it. God it took me so long to figure out I couldn change this.
I am taking baby steps now. Just tiny little successes but they feel like big huge victories. NOt only am I beginning to learn to say I NEED HELP WITH ________ (fill in the blank) - but I'm learning to step out of the way once I ask and let them actually do it. Part of my problem has been - when I get someone to do something to help they never did it to my satsfaction. LOL Talk about sabatoge. So I'm working on it. I find one thing every day that I need help with and I ask..then I get out of the way and let them. If they don't do it...even if I don't like the way it gets done..I then leave it alone.
I can also relate to people "admiring" me or my life. What a hoot. It's been such a mess for so long. I've continued to kill myself trying to make my life fit the picture they painted...everything must look lovely on the outside. Forget the fact that I'm screaming and coming unglued behind that smile.
I can really relate to what you are saying. But I can tell you from experience that stuffing it down down down..only lets the resentment build and grow. The resentment eats you alive. After a while I began to self destruct....I chose self destruction to asking for help. Now that was sick! But it's the truth about how "perfect" everything had to be. No more.....I can't do it anymore. Today I'm learning how to let go...really let go and ask for help.
God bless & good luck!
I am taking baby steps now. Just tiny little successes but they feel like big huge victories. NOt only am I beginning to learn to say I NEED HELP WITH ________ (fill in the blank) - but I'm learning to step out of the way once I ask and let them actually do it. Part of my problem has been - when I get someone to do something to help they never did it to my satsfaction. LOL Talk about sabatoge. So I'm working on it. I find one thing every day that I need help with and I ask..then I get out of the way and let them. If they don't do it...even if I don't like the way it gets done..I then leave it alone.
I can also relate to people "admiring" me or my life. What a hoot. It's been such a mess for so long. I've continued to kill myself trying to make my life fit the picture they painted...everything must look lovely on the outside. Forget the fact that I'm screaming and coming unglued behind that smile.
I can really relate to what you are saying. But I can tell you from experience that stuffing it down down down..only lets the resentment build and grow. The resentment eats you alive. After a while I began to self destruct....I chose self destruction to asking for help. Now that was sick! But it's the truth about how "perfect" everything had to be. No more.....I can't do it anymore. Today I'm learning how to let go...really let go and ask for help.
God bless & good luck!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
