Issues with Affairs and Strip Clubs...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Issues with Affairs and Strip Clubs...
My father was an dry alcoholic from the day I was born. I grew up with a keen sense that my father never considered my mom his "one and only." When I say "keen" sense, it really wasn't all that keen. It didn't have to be because there were so many blatant things that I saw, even though my mom swore they didn't happen.
Things I saw (and some I still see)....
1) Pictures from family vacations would get developed, and every roll would have at least 2-3 (if not more) pictures of random women, focused in on their "t" or "a".
2) I would see my dad hug/grope and talk to women in overly sexually (and in my mind, very inappropriate) ways. He still does this, and it freakin' creeps me out.
3) A guy called (actually a family friend from our CHURCH) threatening to kill my father if he didn't stop screwing his wife.
4) My mom continually makes serious comments about my father and his "other women," yet when I ask her about it she says, "Oh your father would never cheat on me!"
5) My older sister SAW my father having sex with several of our baby sitters.
It bothers me that my father could act this way. I think it is completely disrespectful to my mom. I also am shocked that my mom would continue to accept this behavior from him. It frustrates me to no end, especially because I know that it really isn't any of my business. Having seen how my father has acted though has really made me hyper-sensitive about infidelity, strip clubs, etc.
I'm struggling with this, sometimes daily. I have real problems trusting my husband out at bars, and get panic attacks at the thought of him being at strip clubs. My husband has never done ANYTHING to warrant this reaction. In fact, this has been an issue with me since long before I met him. I know that alot of this mistrust has come from the past, and yet I don't know how to come to terms with it.
I'm thinking about talking to a counselor about it, but I wanted to see if I couldn't work through some of it on my own. Any thoughts!?!?
Things I saw (and some I still see)....
1) Pictures from family vacations would get developed, and every roll would have at least 2-3 (if not more) pictures of random women, focused in on their "t" or "a".
2) I would see my dad hug/grope and talk to women in overly sexually (and in my mind, very inappropriate) ways. He still does this, and it freakin' creeps me out.
3) A guy called (actually a family friend from our CHURCH) threatening to kill my father if he didn't stop screwing his wife.
4) My mom continually makes serious comments about my father and his "other women," yet when I ask her about it she says, "Oh your father would never cheat on me!"
5) My older sister SAW my father having sex with several of our baby sitters.
It bothers me that my father could act this way. I think it is completely disrespectful to my mom. I also am shocked that my mom would continue to accept this behavior from him. It frustrates me to no end, especially because I know that it really isn't any of my business. Having seen how my father has acted though has really made me hyper-sensitive about infidelity, strip clubs, etc.
I'm struggling with this, sometimes daily. I have real problems trusting my husband out at bars, and get panic attacks at the thought of him being at strip clubs. My husband has never done ANYTHING to warrant this reaction. In fact, this has been an issue with me since long before I met him. I know that alot of this mistrust has come from the past, and yet I don't know how to come to terms with it.
I'm thinking about talking to a counselor about it, but I wanted to see if I couldn't work through some of it on my own. Any thoughts!?!?
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((GettingBy)))))
I can trust if a persons words match their actions. If what they are saying does not match what they are doing I can't trust. I can't say this person is like another person I know unless their behavior looks the same.
Does your H go to strip clubs and bars? If he does probably someting about his behavior looks like your dads to you. Your mom has turned a blind eye to your dads shenanagins are you sure you haven't half learned something from your mom?
We do tend to pick people to have relationships with who will mirror our issues to us.
I can trust if a persons words match their actions. If what they are saying does not match what they are doing I can't trust. I can't say this person is like another person I know unless their behavior looks the same.
Does your H go to strip clubs and bars? If he does probably someting about his behavior looks like your dads to you. Your mom has turned a blind eye to your dads shenanagins are you sure you haven't half learned something from your mom?
We do tend to pick people to have relationships with who will mirror our issues to us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by splendra
Does your H go to strip clubs and bars? If he does probably someting about his behavior looks like your dads to you. Your mom has turned a blind eye to your dads shenanagins are you sure you haven't half learned something from your mom?
I am very aware that I may have learned something from the way my mom handles herself. I think that's why I'm hyper-sensitive to the issue.
I don't feel like it's fair to B to "hibernate" because of my past and my inability to trust. I'm really struggling with letting the past go. Maybe I need to address what my true feelings are about the situation... and then begin to deal with it that way.
Thanks for the insight Splendra... other view points are very much a neccesity to recovery!
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by GettingBy
I don't feel like it's fair to B to "hibernate" because of my past and my inability to trust.
Having never been to a strip club, my guess is that, if I did go, it wouldn't be to take advantage of the low-priced meals.
Of course, our childhood experiences color our adult perceptions and we need to watch out for that. His actions may be inocuous and your reactions might be influenced by your experiences with your dad, but it bears examination either way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
lol...
I think one should eat the food and leave... ;o)
Hey GB... :O)
Have you read anything around codependancy? It might help you understand your parents... and why they behaved as they did. It might also shed enough light in yourself that you can let those fears go...
I think one should eat the food and leave... ;o)
Hey GB... :O)
Have you read anything around codependancy? It might help you understand your parents... and why they behaved as they did. It might also shed enough light in yourself that you can let those fears go...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thank you guys for helping me to have at least some humor about the situation! I have to agree with you NoCellphone, not having him at strip clubs isn't necessarily a BAD thing. Like I said, my worries aren't based on anything B has done, but more issues I have with my Dad's behavior. I agree that it does deserve some more examination so I can settle the fears and move on with living! 
Bikewench,
I've been hemming and hawwing about getting the book Codependent No More (or whatever it's called), but I just haven't pulled the trigger. Is that a good place to start or would you have any other recommendations?
Thanks for the laughs!
Bikewench,
I've been hemming and hawwing about getting the book Codependent No More (or whatever it's called), but I just haven't pulled the trigger. Is that a good place to start or would you have any other recommendations?
Thanks for the laughs!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Don't ya think it could be easier to just pass the buck to your dad and say that he is the cause of your uneasiness...rather than look at your own life?
I can say I don't want to be like my mom and that I don't want to marry a man like my dad but, it is very difficult to cut myself off from my role models and like it or not our parents do teach how to select and relate. I think one of the only ways to over come our conditioning is to be very aware of what we are choosing. I ask myself all the time is this what mom taught me or am I choosing this because this is what I want.
I can say I don't want to be like my mom and that I don't want to marry a man like my dad but, it is very difficult to cut myself off from my role models and like it or not our parents do teach how to select and relate. I think one of the only ways to over come our conditioning is to be very aware of what we are choosing. I ask myself all the time is this what mom taught me or am I choosing this because this is what I want.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey GB...
Codependent No More is my first choice for books on codependency. It;s written by a woman that looked at her own issues and is a counselor to boot... so... it's laid out in a way that is very easy to follow...and she hits all the character defects that go along with the disease... as well as giving exercises to work on to help facilitate breaking through the denial and cody thinking that keeps us prisoners of our pasts...
I found that... rather than load more angst on me... reading about another that had many of the same issues and overcoming them was what I needed to give me the impetus to keep going... even when I hit pain/confusion/denial patches that seemed to last forever and were resistant to my wanting them gone.
My father was a violent womanizer... and like Spendra said... whether we like it or not... we consciously/unconsciously pick up things from our parents... and when the majority of it is dysfunctional and chaotic... then.. it's only a short reach to see that we carry that forward in our lives...
Time to snip that link and integrate new thoughts and new reactions/behaviors..
These are the Promises of Recovery.
The Twelve Promises*
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves
Blessings on you GB.
Codependent No More is my first choice for books on codependency. It;s written by a woman that looked at her own issues and is a counselor to boot... so... it's laid out in a way that is very easy to follow...and she hits all the character defects that go along with the disease... as well as giving exercises to work on to help facilitate breaking through the denial and cody thinking that keeps us prisoners of our pasts...
I found that... rather than load more angst on me... reading about another that had many of the same issues and overcoming them was what I needed to give me the impetus to keep going... even when I hit pain/confusion/denial patches that seemed to last forever and were resistant to my wanting them gone.
My father was a violent womanizer... and like Spendra said... whether we like it or not... we consciously/unconsciously pick up things from our parents... and when the majority of it is dysfunctional and chaotic... then.. it's only a short reach to see that we carry that forward in our lives...
Time to snip that link and integrate new thoughts and new reactions/behaviors..
These are the Promises of Recovery.
The Twelve Promises*
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves
Blessings on you GB.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by splendra
Don't ya think it could be easier to just pass the buck to your dad and say that he is the cause of your uneasiness...rather than look at your own life?
My Dad is/was a sick, pervert, cheater... but not all men behave that way. Maybe I just need to keep chanting that over and over?!?!?
I still think it would do me some good to understand the situation that I grew up in, so I can understand (and hopefully change) some of the reactions/feelings I have. I will definetely look into getting a copy of Melody Beattie's book.
For me, I'm already on the road to recovery simply by the fact that I am aware of what I'm feeling. Now comes the acceptance...
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Originally Posted by splendra
Don't ya think it could be easier to just pass the buck to your dad and say that he is the cause of your uneasiness...rather than look at your own life?
Don't ya think it could be easier to just pass the buck to your dad and say that he is the cause of your uneasiness...rather than look at your own life?
My life is the only life I can change. No matter where I got my personality quirks I am the one responsible for adjusting my behavior.
My mother basically dumped me and as a result I refused to do the same to my son no matter how bad his behavior got. Even at the time I knew why I was doing what I was doing but it wasn't logical and it wasn't based in reality. It was based on a false message and I was re-acting, not acting in my best interest. So in the end it came back to me and why I was acting the way I was acting. And me having to chnage it.
What I learned from my parents was my comfort zone...it was all I knew. I had to be willing to look at those messages and evaluate them to see if they were working for me, today, in my life.
GettingBy...that book is a big seller...it shouldn't be hard to find. It practically drips from the shelves....and she wrote some other things too like "The Language of Letting Go" ...a daily reader.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
GettingBy,
My father had affair after affair after affair when we were growing up. And he never hid them it was all out in the open and he used to try and get us to be friends with the other women.
My mother after being completely devastated and humiliated by this finally divorced him, then my step mother took over and enabled him beyond belief. He'd still be going at it til this day if he hadn't had a radical prostate operation.
Trust issues are a biggy for us. Personally I couldn't deal with a man who went to strip clubs it would make me uncomfortable. Part of it comes from the past part of it comes from I just don't see the point.
It's what you are comfortable putting up with in your skin.
I can relate about the insecurities being triggered when you've been with your parents. That would be pretty normal I'd say.
Working on yourself is the only thing you can do and deciding what you are comfortable with.
Ngaire
My father had affair after affair after affair when we were growing up. And he never hid them it was all out in the open and he used to try and get us to be friends with the other women.
My mother after being completely devastated and humiliated by this finally divorced him, then my step mother took over and enabled him beyond belief. He'd still be going at it til this day if he hadn't had a radical prostate operation.
Trust issues are a biggy for us. Personally I couldn't deal with a man who went to strip clubs it would make me uncomfortable. Part of it comes from the past part of it comes from I just don't see the point.
It's what you are comfortable putting up with in your skin.
I can relate about the insecurities being triggered when you've been with your parents. That would be pretty normal I'd say.
Working on yourself is the only thing you can do and deciding what you are comfortable with.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Ngaire,
It's good to hear that someone else has been through it. I have started working on me... and got a few of Beattie's books on Codependency and it's really starting to make sense. I still haven't resolved the strip club issues, but at least now I understand that it's really just triggering the old memories and feelings. Now I work on how I react to that trigger!
I may never get over the issues either. My husband and I have had some really great conversations about it. He understands my issues because of the past, and my overall dislike for the whole "pay for sex" industry. We each chose our battles, and this is one that he has decided isn't really worth "fighting" for. He has so many other better ways he likes to spend his time and money that he is really willing to let it go!
In the meantime though, I still continue to work on my ability to trust, which entails me coming to terms with my father's infidelity. Not sure how I'm going to do that, but I'm sure my HP will show me the way when I'm ready!
Thanks again for all the support!
Shannon
It's good to hear that someone else has been through it. I have started working on me... and got a few of Beattie's books on Codependency and it's really starting to make sense. I still haven't resolved the strip club issues, but at least now I understand that it's really just triggering the old memories and feelings. Now I work on how I react to that trigger!
I may never get over the issues either. My husband and I have had some really great conversations about it. He understands my issues because of the past, and my overall dislike for the whole "pay for sex" industry. We each chose our battles, and this is one that he has decided isn't really worth "fighting" for. He has so many other better ways he likes to spend his time and money that he is really willing to let it go!
In the meantime though, I still continue to work on my ability to trust, which entails me coming to terms with my father's infidelity. Not sure how I'm going to do that, but I'm sure my HP will show me the way when I'm ready!
Thanks again for all the support!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
If your husband is willing to let that one go then I think that is commendable of him. Lots of husbands wouldn't care how you felt and keep doing it. You are lucky you can talk to him about it and that he obviously listens.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
