Trendymndy

I am so excited to have found this site, and I can't wait to hear what others might have to say about my issue. I am an adult that grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was a severe alcoholic, with rage and carelessness. He also got sick almost every night from drinking too much. I didn't realize how much this messed with me emotionally and mentally until my most recent relationship.

My fiance and I have been together for almost three years now. For the first year, it was great, I never had any issues with him drinking too much. For some reason, the past year and a half, he has resorted to having at least one drink almost every weekend. He doesn't handle his alcohol well and has been hospitalized (before my time with him) for alcohol poisoning. Knowing this also makes me more aware of his physical condition while he's drinking. I seem to monitor every move he makes, every sip he takes, every drink he has. I constantly ask him if he's going to get drunk, and if he's going to get sick tonight, etc. His family sees nothing wrong with the way he drinks. Granted it is social, it is not healthy. He gets sick from alcohol at least once every couple months. Though this is much less than my father when I was growing up, I still can't deal with it. I hear him get sick and I start shaking, I start sweating, my stomach starts to knot up, and I get mad/irritated/upset. I can't look at him for a couple days without feeling and thinking as if he had just committed a serious crime.

When I try to talk to him about what he does and how it bothers me, I tell him it is most likely a result of my past as a child. He tells me that by now I should be over those feelings as I haven't been around my father for several years. Unfortunately it is not that easy. He is insenstive towards the issue of alcohol abuse. What do I do? I want to make him aware that it is a disease that causes permanent mental/emotional damage. He just thinks I am using this as an excuse to control his drinking.

He's a fantastic catch, probably the best guy I've ever dated (that's why I'm marrying him). However, I feel I may not be able to make this work if he doesn't undrstand how serious this is.

Any help on this issue would be greatly appreciated!!

Thank you in advance.

nocellphone

Welcome to SR, TM!

You've come to the right place and certainly at the right time...

I, too, grew up around alcoholism. It is a disease that affects not only the drinker but also those close to him/her. The effects of growing up with alcoholism in the home are not so easy to simply "get over", tho' I imagine we all wish it were that easy.

As I see it, all of your responses (physical as well as emotional) to your loved one's current alcohol use are to be expected, considering your early exposure to this family disease. I'd like to say your feelings are "normal", but I have no idea what "normal" really is. As far as I know, "normal" is just a setting on a washing machine...

I had to learn that I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism and over the alcoholic themselves. This includes their choice of whether to drink, when to drink, how much... I found that my life becomes unmanageable when I forget this very important point and I start trying to control the uncontrollable and manage the unmanageable. Someone once said that the pain is not in accepting the situation, but in my resistance to that acceptance.

Here's a link to Al-Anon that you might find helpful. There are some questions that may help shed a bit more light and let you know that you are certainly not the only one struggling with this problem. Believe me, there are millions of us.

If you follow the link to locate a meeting, you'll find out how to meet some of us!

I hope you keep coming back...

journeygal

Hi Trendy and welcome,

Growing up with an alcoholic shapes and molds who we are for the rest of our lives and unless we learn about addiction and its affect on the family, we don't magically become better/different just b/c we no longer live with the people who rasied us. I was raised in an alcoholic home and I've had to work my own recovery program to counteract the patterns and behaviors I learned growing up.

I can relate very well to the fear you have. I am married to an addict and I used to try to control his every move as well. It nearly destroyed my marriage. My husband is still struggling with his recovery, but thanks to al-anon I've let go of my need to try to fix or save him. ACOA has also helped me deal with my childhood.

I hope you check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum here.

Take care and keep coming back,
JG

dollydo

Removing the many coats we wear from our past is very difficult. I was raised in a violent alcoholic home. I have made some very bad choices in men, alcoholic & drug users. My relationships always been tense and basically unhappy. It's all those d'mn
coats. I have removed many of them, but I still struggle. I too am working on my own
recovery and it feels good to put Me First.

I agree with the other posters, start going to meetings...it will help.

Dolly

Trendymndy

I really appreciate all of the advice. This was truly a good thing for me to join. I am definitely going to check out Al-Anon. I think that's the first step for me to be comfortable with my past and my future. Thanks!!

nocellphone

I think you're right! Even better, it'll help you become comfortable in your present (which, really, is where we always are).

As someone once said, yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, and today's a gift---that's why it's called the present!

Kinda goofy, I know, but true at the same time...