Jared112987

I don't share the experiances of most children of alcoholics, I come from a family with money, 4 homes (mom got 2 and dad got 2 when split up), 3 boats (mydad), numerous cars (my dad), basically given any materialistic thing a kid could ask for. I was allways well taken care of mostly by my mother who is a really good person, I have alot of resentment for her and treat her like **** alot of the time and it's horrible. She never gave up on me no matter how bad I ****** up. My Dad owns a construction company, He makes alot of money and works really hard. When I was growing up my parents allways fought or basically didnt talk much. My dad worked alot and when he wasnt working he was out with other women having affairs, going to concerts, or other things. I can't say I didnt spend alot of time with my dad when I was younger because I did, we would take the boats out, or go to the beach, went fishing, but never did anything as a family. My mom was basically the one who raised me, my dad was just there to take me to have fun. I knew my family wasn't normal, and wished I had the 2 parents who got along with 2 kids. Me being an only child was really lonley when I was young. My life was this way up until I reached the age of 10, right before my 11th birthday my parents split up my dad moved out, and I saw both parents on a different days of the week. It didnt bother me then of what was going on I thought it was cool because I'd be able to live at 2 houses and I thought it would make life different in a good way. My parents went through a really bad divorce the court process lasted almost 2 years of fighting over properties and money. I can say truthfully that my mother didn't really bad mouth my dad to me even though he was a horrible husband and wasn't a real father in alot of ways. About 4 months after they split up my dad had a heart attack and lived through it and my mother told me it wasnt real because he didnt die. Things went that way for a while, I never really realized my dad was such an alcoholic at that time because I was so young. Then me and my father didnt talk from the begining of my 6th grade year until 8th grade because I just couldn't take the badmouthing and arguing with him. I didnt realize it but the divorce really ****** me up bad I didnt even realize it until now at age 17 after I got sober. I treated my mother like absolute **** from 6th grade to 8th, smashed things in the house, called her horrible names, took all my anger out on her. I started getting into real trouble in school after being a straight A student until the divorce my grades fell dramatically, I changed my group of friends many times because my old ones weren't who I wanted to hang out with because I wanted to be bad. 8th grade came and they diagnosed me with ADHD and I was given medicine to help it and it made my grades go back to where they were B-A range, but I also started smoking pot that year. But my life was getting better and I thought weed helped. I started talking to my dad that year and we got pretty close again, he became the fun loving dad who was an escape from dealing with my mom trying to guide me the rigth way. I noticed there was well over 50 bottles of hard **** in his cabinets and the biggest bottles possible to buy. But his house is like perfect, like he keeps it immaculate. Finally 8th grade ended and my mom decided to send me to live with my dad for the summer because she wanted me to learn that I couldnt have her in my life by acting the way I did and she went to california on a vacation. I ******* hated her for it and I still do, it ****** me up more than I can ever explain. Everyday I went to work with my dad, didnt see my friends once for the whole summer, I was so depressed and lonley yeah we went out his boats and stayed on Block Island and Martha Vineyard but he was drinking all the time when he wasnt at work, and I missed my friends so much I felt so bad. When my mom came home from her little vacation...I started going back to her house again but I ******* hated her like with a passion, I wouldnt do things to her face but any chance I could I'd **** her over, I put sugar in her brand new cars gas tank and ruined her car, then the first day of 9th grade I smoked weed again for the first time in 5 months I got blasted out of my mind off 3 hits and that was it for me, I became a fullblown pothead. I found 4 huge bags of pot in my dads closet that demcember and was taking ounces of the schwag and smoking 24/7. He didnt even realize until april. After that there was resentment but he never flipped out on me about it. Then one night I did some cocaine while running from the police at my beach house for some stupid **** with my cousin. When we finally got back my dad came at me I think he was drunk, he punched me in the head 3 times and I didnt even feel it, now this is a grown construction worker and I'm a 15 year old on coke, I had a surge of anger I've never felt and I kicked him in the face as hard as I possibly could and broke his nose and ****** his face up pretty good. I knew the cops were coming and I knew I'd get ****** so I punched myself in the face really hard a bunch of times and told the police he came at me first and showed them the marks I created and I didnt get in trouble. Me and My dad stoped talking because I saw him from what he was an addict and an alcoholic, not thinking of myself as one though. I then emptied out a bank account I had since I was very young by stealing my bank book from where my mother had it hidden, she still has no clue I did so and going to the bank on my bike and drained the account. I smoked weed every day every hour probably even more, huge quanities of pot, from that day until 1 month and 1 day ago when I finally got clean. I started talking to my dad again in my junior year in november 2004 after being arrested for class d substance, minor possesion of alcohol, and a felony charge of vikaden. Never stoped using, or drinking. I got suspened indefinatly until the charges were done in court and I ended up smoking much more than I did b4 and drinking everyday which was a new thing. My parents got a top notch attorney and everything was going to be ok. But then I was arrested a little more than a month ago for class d, alcohol, and a carrying a dangerous weapon another folony. I had none of the things on my person but the police still charged me and the driver. That was it for me I had to get out and I did I havent used in 1 month and 1 day. The second arrest scared the **** out of me because I was an adult and didnt know what would happen but I have a good lawyer and case is ********, but I needed to be scared like that and it stoped me. Since quiting I have enrolled in a different school until the end of the year and I'm back to getting A's and doing good except for times of real depression that hit unexpectantly and go away all of a sudden. Since getting clean I realize alot of things, my dad isn't going to be around much longer and it makes me so sad, we spent so many years in fighting and not speaking and now I know he doesn't have much time left. He drinks really hard everynight of the week. He goes out with all these different women every night. Yeah it sounds cool to a 17 year old and I thought that's what I'd be doing but I cant make money and keep a job if I did. But he's already had a heart attack and he drinks so much like he gets smashed, he doesnt even rember when I talk to him when he wakes up the next day. I know I should be spending alot of time with my dad because I really do know he didn't try to make my life bad he tried giving me everything he knew how and so did my mom. But since being clean I cant be around someone who drinks and I cant see bottles of booze or even smell it. I feel so helpless, he's dying and I know it, He lives like a teenager and he's almost 49 and he's a heart patient on all different medicines. His dad died of a heart attack at age 51 and he took care of himseld a hell of alot better than my dad does. I know I was well taken care of but I was lost as a young child, after my parents split up I was never the same, and I know how bad my dad's alcohol problem is. His only justifications for his drinking is that he isn't an alcoholic he just choses to drink, and that he makes alot of money and he gets his work done first. I really feel in such a dilema because I know he doesn't have much time left, I mean I know it. It sucks so bad I want to spend time with him because in the last 6-7 irreperably life changing months he's helped alot I have one case out of the way and 1 to go but the other should go ok because of the circumstances of the charges not really being valid, and he paid half of may lawyer bill and my mom paid the other half. But he did so after us not speaking for so long. I know he loves and cares about me and I feel the same for him and want to spend time with him but I feel that when I do I'll feel so uncomfotable because I cant see booze, I know I cant. I know this part of the forum is for adult children of alcoholics and I'm only 17 and I'm an adult in the eyes of the law and in my knowledge I have gained and learned through this process of changing who I am I feel I am an adult, yet the same confused little boy who wanted nothing more than to just have a normal family as much as I feel resentment for my mom I do love her and I'm working on treating her the way she should be treated because she did anything she could for me and was the only real constant adult figure in my life, but I cant help but feel resentment sometimes...None of these issues even bothered me during childhood even before I did drugs to hide the pain. What do I do about spending time with my dad? Like I mean He's smashed all the time He goes out and parties harder than I did which is basically impossible, only he does after his ***** done, I partied all day until I realized I couldnt hide my feelings with drugs anymore because of drug tests for probation and realizing how bad it hurt me even more. I finally realize that my dads alcoholism led to my parents not getting along and to him having affairs and not being a true and real parent and it hurts.

JT

Jared,

Parents can sure screw things up. I am not only an adult child but I am also the mother of an alcoholic...5 DUI's. Reading what you wrote is like listening to my son and it breaks my heart that anyone at your age could feel so lost.

I absolutely understand your need to bond with your parents but right now they are toxic to you. What is most important in your life is to make it 1 month and two days clean and sober. Then 1 month and 3 days...

Live honestly a day at a time. You have done damage to the relationships yourself with your anger and that is the part you can fix. By not repeating some of the things you have done in the past...it could go a long way toward healing the rift.

Hugs,
JT

bikewench

Jared...

I'm an adult child.. your dad's age.

It breaks my heart as well that you have been allowed to get so lost...

Your dedication to your sobriety is inspiring.. as well as being your gift of life to yourself Jared. Your wise to protect it..

Just a thought... but.. do you think you could ask your Dad to spend some time with you away from the physical presence of booze... and him not drink ? If you explained that your trying to stay sober and even if it was just for a short time?

Jared... I truly hope that you find it in yourself to continue this higher road. I don't know if you have a Higher Power you can lean on... but.. if you don't... there's lots of power and guidance on this forum.. from all ages.

Praying for your wellbeing ...

Jared112987

Thanx both of you really. My dad will say he's away from teh booze but he'll have at least a couple shots in him and I can tell because I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict. It sucks it really does, he keeps bringing up all the **** he does for me and it makes me feel so guilty but I cant be around it, all he does is tell me not to get in anymore trouble and to stay clean but he doesnt know to get clean you cant be around it because the only thing he got clean of was coke and for some reason he was able to be around his friends doing it and he didnt do it because he knew he'd lose his buissness and have to get a "real job". I don't really care I cant be around it I dont know what to do though. I feel guilty.

bikewench

Hey Jared... morning... ;o)

Feeling guilty....

Can you expand on that a little bit? Do you feel responsible in any way for your parents situations?

I'm wondering if your going through this alone as well Jared. Do you have people that you can talk to face to face about your family dynamics?

I know about the feeling of just wanting them to stop for a little while.

Just... be there for me for a bit...

The disease of codepencancy is insidious though. It's a disease of the thought process aided and abetted by the introduction of a harmful substance into one's life.

It takes over.

Children are the casualites.

Don't know if you've checked out any of the Alanon or Naranon threads... but.. there are some powerful tools in those programs to help one not be taken down by another's disease.... including parents.

There are the wreakages of many lives here. Many are trying to rebuild...

If you have no one else...
If you feel alone...

We can be your family...

Jared112987

Thanks Bikewench, I feel guilty because I know my dad doesnt have much time left just by the way he lives and Im afraid to be around him because I think Ill drink. I can talk to people I just dont like to. It's easy to talk on here because noone knows me, or judges. On here I can talk about my true feelings instead of being that brick wall. Thanks Bikewench.

escape artist

Jared you can protect yourself when you are around him by trying to remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. this is one of the little sayings that we remind ourselves so that we don't get sucked back into the turmoil when we are involved with a beloved alcoholic. there is much more you can find here and maybe at an Ala-teen or Al-Anon family meeting. i would be so proud of you if you were my son.

Katchus

Jared-

I've read your post several times, I wanted to make sure I understood in detail what you've posted prior to responding.

I have a son who will be thirteen soon, he too was diagnosed with ADHD. As a mother, I didn't settle for the "simple check the appropirate box" type of ADHD paper testing. I wanted to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what this disorder was and whether my son had it. I'm his biggest cheerleader and his biggest advocate, in school and in life. I would die before I allowed him to become one of the staggering statistics out there surrounding boys with ADHD/ADD.

My heart goes out to you. This disorder has it's own challenges, without the added b.s. of a parent who is using. My heart also goes out to your mother, because it's not easy to fully understand the complications this disorder brings with it. ADHD affects not only you but those around you and unless you and your family are well armed with the indepth medical and clinical information, the battle is already lost.

My family is a member of CHADD, they are a large group who supports children and adults with ADHD. I don't agree with all they stand for, however they are an excellent source for medical and clinical research.

If I could say something to you that would clear away the clouds, it would be this.

ADHD is part of who you are, embrace it and learn about it. Don't feel guilty for "feeling", your emotions are a part of who you are. There are two types of emotions, you must choose which to show...constructive and destructive. You were made for a purpose, you may not believe it now...but it's true. The road you choose to travel is up to you, no one else can force you to make the choice. People like to play the "blame" game. I believe in placing blame where it's due, however some get carried away. At what age did you know the difference between right and wrong? That was the age you became accountable for your own choices and actions. Prior to that, others can be blamed for what happened to you. After that, the choices were yours alone. Please don't get caught up in the blame game, don't use a crutch. Make choices that only affect you and that you're willing to be accounted for.

I could give you some very sad statistics on males with ADHD and the direct connection between the use of illegal drugs, alcohol, attempted suicide, death and incarciration by the time males reach the age of 21, but I won't.
Because along with those stats, there was an alarming lack of knowledge given to these young men about the disorder. They were not able to arm themselves with knowledge and they didn't know where to go to seek support.

You have several advantages over them, use them wisely...as I know you will.

You're in my prayers and my thoughts.

Kat-

Katchus

BTW

I think you would make one heck of a spokes person for young males with ADHD. You don't realize how many "buttons" or "triggers" pop up in your post that seem to be directly related to the disorder.

I wish my son could hear you talk about that aspect of your life. School, peer pressure, anger, behavior control issues, grades, pot smoking, court, medication, girls, parents, and just being a male teen.

My son has a very loving, supportive and positive home environment. He has never been around a parent who drinks or uses. I can actually see some of him in your post, which is why I suspect the connection with the disorder.

There are positives that come out of negatives, no matter what others might think.

I just had to add that in there Jared.

Kat-

Jared112987

Yeah, My ADHD deffinatly contributed to my addiction, no doubt. I don't really have it as bad as most but I've allways felt like I've had a hard time focusing for a long time. I didn't take my meds for long because of other drugs, now that I stoped all drugs and just take my prescribed medication, my life has completly turned around. But just to warn you I really wasn't exposed to anyone using I never knew my dad drank so much or smoked pot until after I got into the drugs. I knew he drank but not how much. I realize now how much he really did drink and smoke pot but I never did up until I was around 14. I had a loving and caring environment from my mom and I still got into drugs and I got in deep. I'm not saying you're son will at all but he's at the age right before I started and I've seen it happen to alot of kids. To tell you the truth if you're kind of over bearing with him, like over protective it wont help and you should lay off a bit, give him some freedom, I'm not saying you are because I dont know you but my mom was always over protective and it always pissed me off hardcore and I just ways to get into trouble anyways and by the time I was 15 1/2 she had no control what so ever. I know my ADHD deffinatly contributed to my drug use...Alot of things did. Thanks for your supporting response, and I hope your son continues doing good. I'm not telling you how to parent because god knows I couldnt if I wanted to but I do know certain things really did contribute to the way I ran my life for 3 1/2 years. It really sounds as if you're a great parent and you're doing a great job though. Thanks for the support.

Katchus

Jared-

Thank you for the reply!

As a matter of fact, I did catch myself being overbearing and my son did come out and "matter of factly" state this to me. This was about two years ago.

My son knows he can joke around with me but he also knows to respect me. He knows where the lines are. I've taught him that respect must be given in order to get it. He has worked hard to get where he is. I've listened to so many adults say to me, "Oh, you've done such a great job with him", "Oh, he sure has come a long way with your help". My response: "He deserves all the credit, it was his choice to turn his challenges into triumphs, not mine". I always redirect the adults to give him the credit, because he is the one who has done all the work...I just stood on the sidelines, cheering him on.

Over protective...not so much...anymore *smile*. I always tell him; When you're right, I will stand with you. When you're wrong, you will stand alone.

I give him his freedom, he is a pretty darn good skateboarder...and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom. He hangs out at the local pool hall (it's a alcohol free pool hall) with his peers. I give him his space and I trust him. In return, he calls home to check in with me. We have a very honest relationship. He knows he can trust me when he has a question, concern or he just wants to unload.

He has already tried smoking pot with a group of boys from the previous state we lived in. I'm not saying he won't try it again, but he did come to me and tell me what he did. He also knew that I would eventually find out and he felt guilty for not telling me when we used to have our talks about experimenting with friends. I didn't get pissed, angry, upset or get all worked up. I did tell him that my main concern was for his safety. I also opened the conversation up for "what if" situations.

All I can do as a parent is love him, protect him, educate him, guide him, provide for him and hope that when the time comes and he needs to make a choice, he makes the right choice for himself. Because along with teaching young adults about choice, I believe one must also teach them that they are responsible for the outcome of their choices.

Again, thank you so much for your insight and your advice, it's greatly appreciated.

Kat-

Jared112987

It sounds like your doing a great job, but that was my life at one time too though. Calling you and checking in does absolutly nothing but let you know he's alive, I dont mean to sound like a jerk but it's true. I did the same thing all the time up until the begining of summer 2004 and I was using from 2000 on. My other concern is I told my mom when I smoked pot for the first few times, to see how she reacted, I also was really into it and it became a big part of my life. If he's already tried it I kind of believe he probably still does most likly not often because he's 13 but it's very likley, I'm only telling you this because I know how easy it is to get away with it, I did for a little more than 3 years before I got in trouble, my mom knew I did it but by the time she found out I was too deep in it and couldnt stop it. Your doing the best job you can do, but my mom did too, it sucks but kids find ways to get away with things alot easier than you would ever imagine. I mean I could be wrong and your son tried it and knew it was a mistake and didnt do it again and he's not into ****, but I'm telling you, that you really should take a close look. Your doing the right thing by him as a parent the best you can, But I know too much from experiance that it just isn't enough sometimes, I highly reccomend you take him to the doctor and have him take a drug test without telling him before hand, or going to the pharmacy and getting a home test kit and just spring the test on him, leave the bathroom door open and tape the toilet seat any draws, and med cabinet shut and stand right at the door with your back turned giving him only enough time to urinate in the cup. If he fails get him into consuling right away, and keep randomly doing this, even if its 2 days later, if he continues to fail get him into a rehab make sure you reaserch it and its a very good one where he will be comfortable as possible and hopefully he wont resent you for it. Sending me to a rehab would not have worked I was in too deep and would have gone into a rampage but he's still at an impressional age and he probably isnt smoking much if he's smoking. If he's smoking pot now is the time to deal with it before he gets any older or builds a high tolerance.

Katchus

Jared-

*smile*

Thank you again for your insight.

I'm not only a mother however I was a counselor for ten years prior to a career change. My son has been in talk therapy for five years and in counseling for the past two.

I fully understand where you're coming from. How children can learn to manipulate at an early age. However I know the signs and I knew my son had used. The worst thing a parent can do is attack a child when they know that their child has used, it only drives them further down the road.

As far as having him tested for the use of drugs at his doctors office, if I see the signs, I will. That form of "parenting" should only be used when you know the child is using on a regular basis. It's a very thin line to walk as a parent and each child is different.

My son knows there is a test kit in the house, ready at any time to be used. Working in the past with "at risk teens" I tested kids all the time for drugs. My son is aware of my previous career as a counselor and knows I'm not one to allow the "manipulation" game. When I say something, I mean it.

The first step would be the home test kit. The second, the doctor. The third, his current counselor. The fourth, he would be put in a clinic. Like I said, I'm not willing to let him fall through the cracks, not on my watch. *smile*

You have alot to offer in the way of "lead by example" as well as "experience" to share with others. You have a head start, ever think about a career in the field of child psychology? I think you would be really good at it.

Kat-

Jared112987

I actually have been thinking about a career in psychology, it's one of my classes right now and it's deffinatly my favorite class. The only thing that I think could hold me back from it would be the fact that I hate math and I hear you need to take some pretty hard math courses in college for a degree.

Kahlia

I have a degree in psych. Math is not that hard, you can go to the library and get a book on math and re-study....DO it...Keep your DREAM alive, brother....Kahlia