PrincessB

Hi

This is my first post here for a while. I was recently entangled with a cocaine addict in recovery but have thankfully escaped from that messy web. However, I have been looking back on my life and family and am gradually realising that my Grandfather had a serious alcoholism problem. My Mum is having lots of problems with self-worth, confidence, unmotivated aggression, and so on - which i believe may have been caused by her difficult childhood. However, she refuses to admit that her father was an alcoholic or even to discuss the possibility and becomes aggressively defensive if the subject is even approached. So - my question is - how do i help her address this issue and help her overcome the problems caused by this situation?

Any advice would be much appreciated!

Thanks
- PB

utopia

hi pb, first of all i feel for you and am glad your heart is in the right place. from my experience i wanted my mum to realise things too, wanted to help her, as heart breaking as it is i had to let her go to my higher power. i cant change her no matter how good it would be, i can only hope and pray for her, i can only focus on my own attitudes, values and beliefs and change only my own stuff. if she asks for help then you can direct her to alanon. but ive learned that i have to let people have the dignity to choose recovery themselves, i chose myself. there is a slogan let go let god. its not easy but i have to accept the things i cannot change for my peace of mind, and that includes having to let go what i think is best for those i love.

i wish you well
peace out
t

best

It has to be something she seeks on her own.
When you were ready to listen is when you looked for answers to stop your entanglement. What you can do is just be there as you can, with info if she is looking for answers. Pretty much set in her ways after all these years. Can't force her to accept the truth. Untill she is ready to seek answers she won't listen. Gentle share of info as she is willing to listen.
Maybe sit down and share with her what you did, felt, went through, in dealing with the addict in your life. As you share, she may see that her life mirrors what you say. beyond that... pray.

PrincessB

That's it? There must be a better way! My Da is going through hell living with the situation!

Alcoholism is the great Unspoken in our family. How can I drip-feed information into this void? I don't even know if I have enough information to be telling her as my experience was so fleeting in comparision. She also encouraged me to forgive and forget and to work through my problems with him, she refused to recognise that he was ill. Argh!

There must be more?

If someone had a broken leg and didn't realise it, you would tell them and help them have it fixed!

PrincessB

BTW I am not a codie desperate to fix something or someone - this is my family.

best

Maybe she did see the broken leg and was telling you how she feels is the best way to fix it?
I would think she is set in her ways. You can't force change. You can change how you deal with things and neither you or I, or 100 strong men can make another listen and change.
Hard to accept when we see others in pain.
Till they are ready there isn't much we can do but pray and leave things in God's hands.

JT

The fact is who am I to decide what is right for another person? My family could benefit by my wisdom, for sure, but what if they listened? That makes me responsible for the outcome. I can't see into the future and I can't see inside another person's head. I can't force feed my thinking and expect someone to comply.

I have tried and the only result I get is frustration and resentment. That and the other person leaves the room whenever I walk in. They turn me off and communication is forever damaged.

Hugs,
JT