thrashej

My father is a binge alcoholic who is currently not drinking, but always a dry drunk. I am 28 years old, my Dad has been drinking like that all my life. Drinking (and some untreated mental illness) has made him practically insane......let's just say he does not act like a normal person. It is very hard to put into words how he acts. He recently got dumped by my mom (who took care of him for 30 years while he crapped on her, she finally got the strength to hook up with someone else), got a third or fourth DUI, spent 2.5 years in prison, and got out Dec 31 2004. Problem is, now my mother is not supporting him and reality is he has no idea how to support himself. He has never really held a job for a long time. Now he is a convicted felon, 60 years old, trying to get a job. He lives with my addict brother, sucking off of him...well, the suck off each other really. My father is so messed up in the head, he calls me sometimes four times a day just to say nothing or guilt me into taking him somewhere. I don't always do it, if I don't he ends up giving me attitude. He expects to spend atleast one day out of the weekend with me...doing nothing. He has no money so we can't go anywhere. He can't carry on a normal conversation because he is always "in his head", for lack of a better way of describing it. Think severe ADD. Sounds really bad, but when I see interviews with Charlie Manson, it reminds me of my father. I know he loves me, but he has no idea how to treat people. It is like he never learned it. I don't even know if he knows that how he treats me is wrong!!! Now that my mother is not bearing the load it has come crashing down on me and my sister. My brother is an addict himself so it does not phase him (we all know he has his fair share of problems). He can't pay his own bills, borrows from my mom, and then uses his money to buy pot. He recently kicked heroin and likes to try new drugs as a form of, quote, "clinical trials". He's crazy too.

Ok, well, problem is, I don't know how to have a relationship with my father that will make me happy as well. He doesn't ever truly listen to me, honestly, I don't know if he is capable. We sortof consider him "********" or "unrehabilitatible". We have lost hope. We "deal" with him but never really enjoy any time with him. How do you change a relationship like that for the better?

I am 28 years old and have hit a point in my life where nothing feels right. I broke the cycle and married a man that is absolutely wonderful to me. He is my salvation. However, he is a police officer with stress of his own and lately my family stress is caving in on him. I can see him changing, turning into a fuse ready to POP at any second. I have always been that way, but now he is turning that way. He is still very gentle with me but he used to be very easy going and low anxiety...not anymore! He has practically exceeded me in only a few years! I tell him, "How do you think I feel after years and years of this insanity??" My family seems to make people this way with all the craziness and messed up mind games. I dream of what it would be like to have a family that could take care of itself, all family members had jobs, money, and no real mental problems....and I could live my OWN life.

My husband wants to move away, but I don't know how to leave my brother and my sister with the burden of my father. Also, I am getting ready to go into nursing school where I currently live so that we can start a family in a few years. Moving away may be an option then, but not now. I am not even certain how I really feel about it. Is moving away the only way I will ever lead a normal life that I like? I feel like I am trying to break out of everything that was unhealthy from my childhood, but my messed up family is suffocating me!! Even more despairing to me is my husbands change in how he is reacting to stress. I am very worried that this is going to infect our relationship like a cancer...or even worse, adversely affect his health as he already has risk factors for heart disease.


Do any of you have family members that won't leave you alone? I unplug my phone many nights to be FREE of it all but then all they all act angry as if I never should have done that. I DO care about them but now it seems like I will never have what I want out of life AND make them all happy. What do I do?????? Counseling, Al Anon, CODA, ACOA..what? Hubby is adding me to his insurance in June and he has some good psych benefits. I intend to take advantage of some couseling. Good idea??

I know I have to change me, too, and how I deal with this and react to family stuff. I spend 95% of my time venting to my hubby, because he asks how things went, and then we both are like this for hours:

As you can imagine, not too good for stress levels and/or health!!


Meanwhile, I am strait as an arrow, putting myself through nursing school and my Mom acts like I will never succeed.

Thanks for any feedback!
Janice

Gabe

Hey Janice,
You are responsible for you.
Just you.
Not your father, not your mother, not your sister, not your brother.
You have a right to a happy life, free of all this insanity.
If you truly enjoy spending time with your family members, then do it.
If it makes you crazy and stressed out, don't.
Moving doesn't mean you are leaving things up to your sister and brother.
They get to choose how much they will participate in the family theatrics.
So do you.
Make your choices based on what is best for you and your relationship with your husband.

granolaprincess

Making choices based on what is best for you is key. I resented my then-husband when we moved away - we were living just blocks away from both families and were going nuts. We didn't think we'd ever survive being next to them. A few years ago I realized that moving away was the greatest gift he had ever given me (next to my dog) because I may not have had the strength to pull away on my own. I am grateful to be at arm's length from the problems, and it has helped me garner the courage to say "leave me out of this" when I get phone calls from everyone, complaining about each other and dumping on me about how crappy their lives are and whining about how I've got it made.

Do what's right for you, it's the best choice you can make.

Hugs,
Angela

thrashej

Thank you all for your comments. I won't be moving soon (hopefully), I really want to get that degree. I was just interested in knowing how I could deal with them until we do move. When I quit my job to go to school there will be real ground rules laid and I plan to make my whole family well aware of them. I cannot have them stressing me out to the max while I attend nursing school. That is stressful enough in an of itself. I also intend on counseling ASAP, for both me and hubby.



I am going to an ACOA meeting tomorrow. Maybe I'll get help there. I need to stop venting to my husband and find other outlets for my stress. I plan to tell my family that I only intend to see them once per week and only talk on the phone to them twice per week, max unless there is a special circumstance. I plan on telling my father there will be no chauffering. I plan to tell them to consider me still working FT. After all, nursing school is a full time job! And then I will have another job by then on top of it!

It is all about BOUNDARIES, right? I haven't been to any ACOA meetings yet, but I know that much!!!


I am interested in any other comments...

n1hnr94

Hi Janice, My name is Robert and I have been in ACoA for 20+ years.Now is the time to take your life back at any cost. Remember there is only one go at this and you have to do it for you. When you lay down the law you may lose someone close but that maybe a temporary situation. They may come back into your fold, but meanwhile you have to do what is best for you. Go to school,let go of the rest and give them to your Higher Power. Let HP worry about them. Afraid of hurting them? What about you? Are you hurting? Is it fair that you should hurt for what is best for you? no! Hit the books! Robert PS Both my parents are gone Mother when I was 17 by suicide and my father in the early 90's. I am 45. They are gone and I am still fighting with them. Get back your life now. You don't want to fight with them later either.

Kahlia

I am an ACOA and I agree with Gabe.....you need to worry about you and your husband, go to school. I have found in this crazy dysfunctional family of mine that I had to move on. They did not change and I could not make them. It drove me crazy for awhile as I wanted their support and love. They do not KNOW how to give it. I am a firm believer in taking control over your own life and letting them do whatever it is that they do. You will find that the anger leaves and you are a better, more serene person. I just got a call from my co-dependant Mother who told me that "the only way I will call you is if someone is lying in a funeral home". I told her I could read about it in the paper......I have had my crap level, so to speak. She just hung up, which I am used to. That was fine with me as I will not argue with any TOXIC people. I am hoping that you take the advice of the people on this board and be happy. Life is so short and we make our own lives.......Kahlia

Kahlia

Janice-YOU are living with MY family. It is true I mean it. It sounds like a soap opera and it is' Another episode of as the Stomach turns". I just Divorced my entire family.....I mean it. I told then to hit the road. They had had me depressed for years, well I LET them depress me for years. I am still angry at the fact that they are so damn CRAZY....they think I am the one that is nuts???? Sound familiar. I mean it, Janice, go to school, make something out of your life, because they have NO intention of making anything out of theirs. I am happier but sad that we cannot have any sort of relationship. I have an alcoholic brother who climbed up two floors to say HELLO at 4am.....I was so excited to see him....I just pulled the blinds and went back to bed.....hope he isn't still out there? It is TOXIC and it will drive you insane.....end it now......Kahlia

sunshinebluesky

i think you need to really sit down and talk with your husband about your feelings for each other and your future. what you both want out of it. if there is true mutual love,respect and committment there, i think moving may be the best thing for you. i know how hard it is to let go of the people we are supposed to be in healthy,happy,loving relationships with,ie....family................................. ............. parents,brothers,sisters,sons,daughters.
letting go, though it may be the best thing for us involves so many emotions. disappointment,anger,resentment,and the worst--guilt. made far worse by the manipulators we need to get away from.
get that counseling,and as the others suggested, read.
my heart goes out to you. i have been just where you are with my family and my own immediate family.
and yes, there are many times i dont answer my phone!!! its our perogative!!

sunshinebluesky

lmao

ared

Hi thrashej I'm in somewhat the same position, my father holds down a job but is always drunk. He acts like everyone else is crazy. I am only 22 and really just understanding how he is affecting me. He gets drunk and calls me to complain about that "crazy bitch" referring to my mom who is a very smart woman but for some reason hasn't left him yet. Just today I stood up to him for the first time and told him what he was doing to us. Well you Go ALL THE WAY IN SCHOOL. GOOD LUCK!!

Katchus

Yet one more reason to cut the "ties that choke". I don't have "ties that bind", they choke. ACOA all have that one thing in common, "ties".

I cut my ties to my entire family as well. There are five of us adult children, I honestly being the only one who cannot relate to the other four children's adult choices.

So, I would like some input from other ACOA's so that we can start our own list. Not a list from someone who is getting paid to put us in a catagory, but a list that is for "us", by "us" that might help other ACOA's.

You know you're an ACOA when....

1) You are told you're weird.

2) (add you comment here)

Kat

Gabe

You know you are an ACOA when...
You're the one who told yourself that you're weird.

JT

You know you are ACOA when you meet a guy who is drunk, on parole and unemployed and it feels like going home. He's all mine!!

Gabe

AND I CAN FIX HIM!!!

FriendofBill

NO! I can fix him! Im gonna plug my IV solution if insanity straight into his arse, so he can suck the life outta me, then he will be ok,,,so in turn, I will be OK!

Katchus

Awesome job!

Thanks for making me laugh and smile....it's always good to know when you turn out the light that you're not alone.

Kat-