JT

Is some one "put on the defensive" or were they always there?

Kind of a which came first question..
Hugs,
JT

journeygal

I think they were always there, especially if there's some truth to what's being said that they're not ready to admit to...

minnie

I think the defenses are already there, and are brought out when the button is pushed. As JG says, usually when it's an uncomfortable truth.

Dan

Oooooo, can I put in my two bits.
Not only was the defensive attitude inside me already, it was also mated to the skewed, denial induced belief that I could somehow always find a way to defend the inexcusable.
There were always other reasons other than my behavior to explain the indefensible.
If that makes sense.

GettingFree

Wow, is this ever a relevant one for me now. Let me apply the question to my current situation.

Did my ex 'put me on the defensive' when questioning me about innocent facts that to him made him fear I'd been unfaithful although this was so far from the truth?

Welll, in a perfect world, where I was perfect (working on it) no, he would not have 'put me on the defensive'. If I was whole, healthy and without 'stuff', I would have been entirely unimpacted by someone else's mistaken perceptions of me and simply responded straightforwardly without any charged emotion.

But, in the real world, I carry my early wounding into this situation. In the real world, I was accused of doing things as a child I never did and people got mad at me and I became afraid and just wanted to fo find a way to stop people from being mad. So I have learned that in this situation, as soon as my ex's 'stuff' came up, even though it may be said in a straightforward gentle way, I heard "Explain this or else" and immediately 'went on the defensive." Defensiveness is a response to fear.

And in the real world, people went away, and they were mad, so I learned to be afraid that if someone is mad they may go away. So with fear of the relationship threatened, fear of abandonment kicks in, and presto: defensive posture out of fear.

Also, in the real world, I have done things I have been ashamed of, I have in the past acted in ways that go against my values, I have been untruthful in the past (before him), and I carry that shame with me. And if I haven't forgiven myself for previous mistakes, a false accusation can slide right up against that shame, and cause a defensive reaction.

So, did my ex put me on the defensive by repeatedly asking for explanations for things that terrified him? Or did I go on the defensive because of explanations asked of me that terrified me?

For me in the future, this has been an important lesson in separating what part of me is reacting from my child self, and what part is reacting from an adult ego state.

But after all is said and done, it seems to me you can have two truths. Just like in arguments. Both people are often right.

gf

utopia

inna rgument both canbe wrong and right, thats a new one for me, instead of we both stuffed up, we both ALSo have good points, must keep seeing the positive too