GettingFree

Last night I listened to a tape by Bob Earll on rediscovering the child self lost in childhood. And afterwards something huge broke loose. This present-day loss I've experienced has opened the door to my first abandonment and the feelings are so big, it feels like a well of grief that goes so incredibly deep that it's part of me and always has been and will never end. I have wailed so loud and large and feel such grief for the little girl who lost her mom when she left at age 6 and her father who retreated into his work and subsequent wives who were emotionally abusive.

It hurts so much! I feel like I am unravelling. I don't want to experience this pain on top of the other pain. There's a feeling of being not in the present and feeling so fragile the real world seems inconsequential. It feels like I could go away and cry for days. I have to believe this is a door to getting free, but goddamn, it hurts!

gf

journeygal

(((((((GF)))))))

This was today's Hazelden message: I know it hurts and feels incredibly overwhelming. But you will be ok and you will get through it. We're here for you so you don't have to do it alone.

Hugs,
JG

minnie

GF

I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering. You will be OK, as jg says, and in fact your life will be better for going through this process.

Do you have a photo of you when you were 6? I have heard that it is useful to look at a picture of yourself at this age and look at it through adult eyes. See that child for what she was and look after her now. You don't have to keep that pain with you anymore.

Keep posting, hon. It's good to let it all out.

Love

Minnie
xxx

nocellphone

gf,

The core issues are always the most painful, especially when they've been buried for so long.

I have issues similar to what you've described, and an exercise I found immensely helpful was to write a series of letters (one every night for 14 nights) to that wounded child who lives within me. To make this easier and more "real", I kept a photo of myself at three years old propped in front of me as I wrote the letters.

Midway through the 14 nights, I began to feel a connection to that child (prior to this, I couldn't relate at all to the kid in the picture...). By the end of the exercise, I came to realize that this little, abused, neglected, frightened child still occupies a place inside me and that it is now my job to be his parent, protector and caregiver, roles that the people who raised me did their best to fulfill despite the disease that held them hostage. The exercise was a very powerful step in my recovery journey.

Marianne Williamson says (I'm paraphrasing) that it's better to endure one sharp pain, no matter how intense, than to live the rest of one's life with a river of misery running in the background. AA literature speaks of pain as the "touchstone of all spiritual growth". AA members also say not to quit before the miracle.

I hope you find your way through the pain to the miracle waiting at the other end...

journeygal

NCP, what a powerful post. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

GettingFree

Thank you all for responding. Your support helps, more than you know.

JT: yes, I've known the only way out is through; I guess the door to through just opened

Minnie: ...I'd have to dig down in the basement to see if I can find any old photos, I don't keep any around from early family days. I can understand why it might help. I'll see about going on a hunting mission

NCP: Thank you for that suggestion. It frightens me -- I suppose that probably means it'll be good for me. A little over a year ago I wrote a letter to my child self, and the keys were soaking by the time I finished. After that episode, I closed that valve up and returned to 'normal'. I fear if I write in this way everyday for 2 weeks, it will be so intense, I'll become unhinged, dissolved, just a mess of exposed feelings without any protection.

I'm afraid too, because my whole demeanor with my children has been affected. They know their mom is going through something heavy, they can see that I'm very emotional and 'not myself' and there's no question that my 'debilitation' affects them and the household in general. I'm so used to persevering, no matter what, whatever hell my life happened to be at any given time, I got very good at pretending. I always managed to be mom and be there for them, take care of everything, and I held myself to a pretty high standard that I couldn't let go of, no matter what was going on inside.

But now i can't and I'm afraid they see their mom as an emotional mess that is withdrawing and falling apart. I don't want to scare them. I don't want to make them feel responsible for me either. I don't want to visit my dysfunction on them.

p.s. NCP...I thought "What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding?" was written by Elvis Costello, but I just looked it up and you're right! (I love that song).

nocellphone

You're welcome, journeygal! And thanks for just being you...

You're probably right. Some of the most profound growth experiences for me have been as a result of walking through my fears and doing the things I did not want to do. At those times I need to remember that my Higher Power is bigger than my fears. Someone once said that God's will won't take me to where God's grace can't protect me...

Yeah, I don't think it's a go-it-alone kind of process. I had all my Al-Anon supports in place when I did my writing. And it doesn't have to be two-weeks worth by any means, especially if it gets too intense. Even a little bit is better than nothing sometimes.

Understandable. Someone also said once that going crazy and getting sane look and feel almost exactly the same, just that the outcomes are different. Maybe what looks like "falling apart" is simply the shedding of an old skin that no longer fits. Maybe it's really you "coming together"...?

I used to think the same thing. I guess the connection with Nick Lowe (a great songwriter, actually) is that some of Elvis Costello's early records were produced by him and they were (are?) friends. PL&U is one of my favorite songs, especially in light of recent global circumstances, and I anticipate Elvis will sing it tonight when I see him in Miami!!!

Peace!

minnie

My counsellor taught me that when I am cracking up, that's not a bad place to start. Sometimes we need to be broken to put ourselves back together again in a healthier way.

Doesn't seem so bad to me now.

sarah13

That was a powerful post. I felt your pain. I am inspired by your courage to open up about it. You are surely on the road up when you go thru rather than avoid it.
The pain you feel is exactly the pain I want to spare my own kids- My yelling makes it worse....doesn't it?
Is it better than I pretend that all is well for their sake or should I just be honest with them that their dad is sick? I am thinking of the schoolagers.....

Prayers will be with you as you continue your seach for peace.

Gabe

NCP,
I really like that writing exercise, what a good idea.
For any of you who have seen the movie "The Kid", it is interesting mental imagery to have your young self go through the day with you.
No matter what kind of a past he/she had, I believe our inner child is always with us.
Making a healthy connection to that part of me has been instrumental to my recovery.

DesertEyes

>>... I'm afraid they see their mom as an emotional mess that is withdrawing and falling apart.

You don't sound like an emotonal mess that is withdrawing and falling apart. It seems to me like you are making major improvements at getting your feces amalgamated. You are reaching out to a therapist and to this forum. You are showing a great deal of courage and strength of character. I think you should be proud of yourself.

I also think your kids would be proud of you, if you were to share a little bit of what you are acomplishing with them.

>> I don't want to make them feel responsible for me either. I don't want to visit my dysfunction on them.

The "codie dysfunction" is to do for others what they can do for themselves. Asking your kids for a hug because you feel bad is _not_ dysfunctional.

Now that I am on the road to recovery I no longer have to be perfect. I no longer have to be the rock of stability and super-dependability for everybody else to lean on. I have given that job over to my HP. I am now allowing myself to be human, to hurt and need comforting just like everybody else.

You can be human too ;-) It feels a little awkward at first, but you'll get used to it quickly ;-)

Mike

GettingFree

It seems time. An inner voice says "You can handle this. You've waited till now for a reason. It took you this long to get strong enough to travel back to that time and feel the feelings you did then." I am afraid, but as I once read, "Courage isn't the absence of fear. It's action in the face of fear."

I am still working on my understanding of a HP. I am still working at letting go of control. Like a good co-dependent/adult child, losing control is terrifying. I want to learn how to not lose it, but release it.

You're right. I will follow my gut and listen to my feelings. It would be 'just like me' to set expectations full of 'shoulds'.

I think this is ultimately what will happen. Yesterday was tough, but today I was definitely more present, and I think we will emerge from this time as a family unit stronger than ever.

REALLY?!!!! So share!!

PL&U,
gf

GettingFree

It's a funny thing -- when we're in terrible pain before beginning recovery, we think that's what it's like to be human. So, of course, we think that being human sucks -- big time. So we heap a whole lot of scripts, expectations and pressures on us thinking if we can change the outcome by living up to those, we might make being human suck just a little less.

Kind of ironic to think that releasing some of the pressure and expectations on ourselves would actually make being human a lot easier.

slow but sure,
thanks mike
gf

Patsyd1

NCP, what a powerful post.....Thank You

I am slowly learning, that no one can abandon me today, all they can do.....is leave.

nocellphone

I thank my old Al-Anon sponsor for that one!

This is one of my favorite quotes, because it's sooooooo true...

If you could create your own higher power, what qualities would he/she/it have?

Generally, I let go just before I get dragged. I like the distinction you make between "lose" and "release". I try to simply release my efforts at control and let something else take a crack at it. Sometimes I forget that whatever force it is that keeps the planets aligned and the universe in order could prob'ly handle my itty-bitty life... if I let it.

Maybe not this time. Remember--life is like panhandling. It's all about change!

Hmmm... Methinks I hear hope.

CAUTION: GOING OFF-TOPIC

And since you asked, the Elvis Costello show Friday night was outstanding. He reached far back in the catalog and brought out some great songs, plus several from the new album (which is very good) and from the album he recorded with Burt Bacharach (which is on my "desert island" list).

At one point, there was a noticibly loud buzz coming from the equipment (EC remarked that there must be "a man with a rather heavy beard under the stage using an electric razor..."), so he veered from the set list and played a couple of acoustic songs: he played Alison while sitting on the edge of the stage and then asked a man in the front row to "switch seats with me, 'cos I never get to hear this great band that I've been playing with". So, EC sits in the front row and sings Almost Blue (one of my favorite songs, the recorded version of which includes Chet Baker on trumpet).

Peace, Love and Understanding? You betcha, about fifth song from the end.

I hung around afterwards for an autograph and had my picture taken with him!

(I've surely lost a whole bunch of people's attention by now...)

GettingFree

Gonna have to get back to you on that one. I'm in a purging mood tonight. But of course my HP would understand all my moods.

If I let it....kinda key. Agree completely. Then again, if I were British like EC, I may think you were talking about renting the damn universe.

I'm in Canada and we have loonies and twonies. Change that adds up faster. Maybe this bodes well.

That you heard it through the cynic that sits on my shoulder tonight shows careful listening. Always helps to have a keen observer as a reminder!

Not lost my attention. Thanks for the details -- I enjoyed hearing about it. Especially about the personal touch of his performance, sitting on the stage and then in the first row. I wondered if he might have been more mechanical by this time, and it's great to hear not. I had tickets to Van Morrison this past Sept that I had to miss cause I got the flu, but reports back said he was hollow and not into it at all. So I'm relieved one of my icons is as strong, and personable, as ever.

(Music's been a big part of my life -- was my major in university. Now I have 2 out of 3 children with bands, and guess where they rehearse? It's easier to come to the drummer's house. Well, one of them is a drummer, the other keyboards. Let's just say there is usually sound emanating from several places!)

nocellphone

I hardly have enough furniture...

Careful... You could end up with serious back issues, and I ain't talkin' magazines!

EC is one of the very best live performers I've ever had the pleasure to see and meet. This was the 3rd time I've gotten that opportunity and he has yet to disappoint. I don't imagine he ever will.

Hopefully it was an off-night. I'd hate to think that Van's lost it...

I'm a songwriter and musician myself. Music is truly the language of the soul!

Peace...