cupowater

This just crossed my mind. I am an ACoA. I am also in a relationship with an A. I am currently trying to work the steps and am flooding my mind with self help and alanon meetings and counselors. It accurs to me, that if I finally get to that step of loving myself so much, and growing enough that I cannot be around my A any longer, and breaking it off with him, how do you get to the point that you can enter a new relationship with another (sober of course) person and not tend to go back to your "codie" behavior as a force of habit???
Any thoughts of experiences on this?

JT

Recovery is not about the other person. It is about me....about how I relate in every area and every relationship in my life. I have to work my program on a daily basis to avoid "going back" as you put it. I have issues and those issues can spill over on to the check-out girl at the grocery as easily as my husband. Staying vigilant is how to break the force of habit.

JT

utopia

thanks for sharing that, its amazed me how i can focus my internal issues on outside people, places and things. those that i am powerless over. including faulty blenders, slow queues, people who are rushing past, people who walk in front of me, people who arent the exact replica and who arent under my control. how i'd 'spill over' and then attack them verbally or worse (or most likely just get a very stong urge to attack). its only by working my program (for me i do 3-4 meetings a week, read literature, cut my excuses, pray and meditate a lot! and forgive myself wheni slip up)

as for relationships, i used to be terrified of getting into a relationship with a unhealthy person. how could i not, i only had sick and unhealthy examples of 'love' as a child so how would i be attracted to the unfamiliar, uncomfortable, doubt filled situation that is a 'healthy' person? was i not doomed to fall continously for sickos?

well for me i focus on ME. if i want to be attracted to healthy people I have to be healthy MYSELF. Positive minds attract. as i grow in my program and in my life, the type of people i want to surround me changes. yes ive dropped many people but ive gained new ones. I have to- one day at a time, hand it over to my higher power, trust that he knows what hes doing, trust that i have the ability to respect and love myself to not settle for less and trust that god will help me with it all. :shysmile:

trust higher power, ONe DAY AT A TIMe, sometimes a second at a time. i am willing able and i can.

GettingFree

This is really hitting home as I try and regain my footing after my break-up last week. I thought that I had moved to 'healthy people' with this past relationship. After all, I had gone from being with an addict in denial to a gentle loving man with 17 years recovery behind him.

But the fact was, neither of us was very healthy. We were both still thigh-high in our co-dependency and desperate for love, each of us having left toxic relationships not very long before. We lost our sense of healthy boundaries and became enmeshed very quickly, talking about marriage quite early on. And each of still is dealing with lots of childhood 'stuff'.

The point of this is that there are degrees of healthy. Yes, it was a much more loving relationship and free of addiction. But my ex lived recovery almost 24/7, has huge trust issues, and I have huge abandonment issues.

I had had a good head-start on my co-dependency. The work had enabled me to end the very destructive relationship with my previous partner. I felt strong leaving it, and empowered in taking back my life. But then, I walked straight into a different enmeshment.

*sigh* one day at a time
gf

journeygal

HI GF,

I just wanted to say that I think it's wonderful that in just a short week you have reached such a level of clarity and understanding about your recent relationship. A lot of people run from one relationship to the next without even realizing there's a deep underlying problem, much less pinpointing what the problem is.

Recovery is a process and it takes years. We do get better gradually, but it takes a long time to uncover and process through a lifetime of stuff. Whever we are in life, I think that's the kind of person we attract. The more you progress in your recovery, the healthier your relationship(s) (current and future) will be.

I think you're doing great.

Hugs,
JG

GettingFree

Journeygal, thanks for the support. The thing is this -- I may have clarity, yet I'm suspecting I may do the same thing again, despite my understanding. It's the separation of head and heart. The truth is, I'm afraid that if I knew that getting on my knees and begging for forgiveness and vowing to be 'better' would have him resume the relationship, that I might do it. And that shows me how far away I am from health.

Right now, it just hurts so terribly. One difficult thing, is that he loved me through so much recovery work. Held me, comforted me, loved me, as I did him. I held him through PTSD memories as he body quivered, and tried to make him feel safe. I looked up to him and his wisdom and gentleness with me. And he would be the one that I would take this aching hurt to today, but of course I can't. It feels like I have been dropped off the side of a boat.

I'm trying to figure out if this simply 'normal' grief from the end of an important relationship, or I'm stuck in a bond that's replaying the past.

thanks
gf

Freewolfman

We can & only attract someone at the same emotional [ level of emotional maturity ] level that we are at !! Love for all ; Mark .

Star Gazer

I ended a 5 year relationship, about 8 months ago, with a recovered A that has been sober for 20 years. Note that he is also 16 years older than me. We both have major co-dependancy issues and knew at the end that we were better off apart. I fight the urge to take care of him daily but I have done rather well at detaching.

Well, I met a man that is 20 years older than me. The age difference crossed my mind as a red flag. I quickly dismissed it because this man is a completely different type of person, or so I thought. He is just like my ex, only educated with a good job. Like my ex, he showered me with compliments to attract me, we have alot of fun together but rarely discuss anything serious and he fell very quickly for me. He is a workaholic and admits to not being "good" at life and taking things to the extreme. He even tells me that he needs me to take care of him! I fell right into my old habit of being swept of my feet by this man that says he can take care of me and treat me well. And of course, I doted over him, making sure he took his medication when he was sick and reminding him not to work late. However, through all this, something didn't feel right. It took him going on vacation for 3 weeks for me to step back and see what I was doing.


There is also another man in my life I met shortly before my break up. We aren't really sure what we think of each other, though we are quite smitten, but niether of us will admit it. He is my age. He is not an addict. We have real conversations that do not revolve around sex or flirting. We have "real" things in common. I really have no idea where this relationship will lead, as we are quite far from each other at the moment. He takes things very slowly. Telling me that it takes time to fall in love. We have no false expectations of each other. We are blatantly honest. It is all very unromantic. However, it feels good. It feels good to do something different.

I guess my whole point to this is that I find as I progress in my recovery, I catch myself making the wrong decisions. I see red flags before they become problems. I actually trust my instincts! I had thought that getting into another relationship would be easy. I now understand that it will take time and that I need to take my time. As for avoiding Codie behavior, I find that as I meet healthy people, I don't have codie tendencies.

Ultimatley, I look to my HP for help and trust that I am taking the right path.