chinalee78

I'm new here. I'm 27 years old, married, fairly successful, and I'm in an absolute state of unhappiness. I've spent my entire conscious life aware that my father was an alcoholic and yet never accepted that it had any effect on me. 2 weeks ago was my birthday, the first since my mother (finally) left my father, and he forgot it. Didn't call then, still hasn't. And he's living in the same house as my sister who came to visit me for my birthday.

I was always the 'peacemaker.' I wanted to believe so badly that I understood my dad better than anyone else, and I made excuses for him. But at that moment when I realized he forgot, the dam broke, and I couldn't excuse him anymore, b/c I realized that I never knew him at all. Now I'm in that "my whole childhood was a lie; who the hell am I?" phase. And I'm furious at him.

The scariest part is that the feelings and thoughts that have been running through me the last two weeks are like those you have when someone dies. I feel like something died.

So now I'm here. Because my husband doesn't understand, I can't talk to my mom or my sister. I feel guilty, I feel unjustified and self-indulgent for being so emotionally preoccupied, I feel lost.

Star Gazer

Hi Chinalee!

I felt the same way when my mom quit drinking. I know, you would think that everything would be fine after she quit. Everything in my life changed in an instant. I was no longer the daughter of a drunk and I had no idea who or what I was. I am just now figuiring out who I am, who I want to be.

This is the first step in a long journey. Keep coming back here and learning all you can about ACA. It is a wonderful program.

JT

Welcome!

What died is denial.

When my denial died I felt like I had been run over by a bus. I felt like I had lived my life like a puppet. All along I had the illusion that I had been making choices when in reality I had been a walking reaction to my childhood. I thought I was the one who ended up normal and that had been a lie. I was pissed, I was off balance, I was vulnerable and the pain I felt seemed unbearable.

But I didn't die. It didn't kill me. The pain did pass but the memory of how I felt has not. I educated myself about the family disease of alcoholism and I discovered that I am not any different than anyone else who lived the same way I did. I found people who felt the same and just like you I began to plow through the trash.

My husband has watched me cry and felt helpless to do anything but get angry at the people who hurt me. That is all he knows how to do.

It does get less acute, if that makes sense. I will probably always have a sense of sadness and even anger about living a sham. No one made me do that. It was how I coped.

This is a soft place for you if you choose to stay. Al Anon is what has helped me put my life back together.

Hugs,
JT

tasmin

hi guys
just wondering how you take a peice from someone elses post and highlight it in your own post?????

help

lol
tasmin

chinalee78

thanks. it's good to know that i make sense to someone.

chinalee78

thanks, it's good to know that i make sense to someone.

Petunia

Chinalee,

When I started rooting out the cause of many of my co-dependent behaviors I had to come to the realization that my parents were very imperfect. Since then I have had many deeply sad days b/c I am grieving a death. The death of the fantasy I had of what my parents could be. I am finally accepting that they have chosen in the past and continue to choose to act in ways that are wholly unhealthy to me.

It has been so very sad to realize that I have no parents. In my case my M is not strong enough to stand up for herself to F (in my opinion) and the crazy cycle of chaos continues for them. It has been sad b/c I am forced to make the decision of what quantity of time I can spend with the craziness that they put out in the world. I am sad b/c I cannot just relax and spend time with my parents. Maybe someday I will have more experience at detaching and just being in the moment without the craziness creeping into my brain but for now I haven't been successful in doing so.

For me there has been great sadness but this is definitely outweighed by the growth and self-acceptance that I am learning at the same time. I am learning that my M & F do not determine my value - my HP determines my value. And this has brought be great relief.

I too hope you will find a way through the initial pain with your soul intact. Recovery is something we do for ourselves, but it involves change and change has some pain associated with it. But the pain is short-lived and the joy on the other side for me has been worth the effort.

I wish you some peace today,
Petunia

tasmin

hi chinalee,

just wanted so say sorry for my post today, i wanted to reply to you post but i didnt know how to highlight something someone else said in there post that made sence to me.

hope you didnt think i was making light of your situation?

i've been there, so i know how you feel.


all the best,
take care of yourself,

tasmin

chinalee78

Petunia,
Thanks for your story. It helps me to hear someone else and it reminds me that I'm not just overreacting or something. I especially appreciate that you were honest about your pain and didn't paint an unrealistic picture for me.

But I do have a question about your comment regarding the HP. I know the whole alanon, aa, etc. stuff. The third time my dad went into rehab when I was about 14, they tried to get me to try meetings and stuff, and at that point, I just wasn't ready. I couldn't buy into it. I'm still not sure if that would work for me. I'm very much internalized (as I'm sure many of us are) and I just don't feel validated in venting to others my pathetic story, and I assume that no one there will really have anything insightful to help me out. That's probably wrong of me, and--again--typically acoa, but that's where I am. The other major issue I have is that I'm, generally speaking, atheist. I mean, I believe in a life force, but I don't see that as something separate from us, and I don't see it as something that I can "trust in" to watch over me.

Based on what you said in your message, you see faith as the primary source of strength. So I ask you, what about someone like me? I'm not asking this to be defeatist or sarcastic. I'm genuinely curious about the program and your understanding of this process as a person who is further in it than I am.

chinalee78

No problem. I figured you made a mistake. Thanks.

osier59

Chinalee,
I know of more than one person who was challenged by the steps because he did not believe in God. The 12 step program is quite wonderful in that it refers to "a power greater than ourselves." Some people choose the program itself...or the idea of recovery as their higher power. Whatever it is, whatever it takes. You might want to ck out the thread in Nar Anon entitled The 12 Steps explained. It's a sticky near the top. It explains a lot about working the steps.

Hugs and love
Barb

JT

I went to Al Anon with no concept of God, HP, a plan or anything else and I did struggle with that.
In recovery I found that faith.
Quite honestly, if I can go from where I was to where I am, there has to be something or someone out there leading me along.

In the program I was promised that if I did certain things a certain way...if I followed what those who went before me had done, that I could have peace amid the storm.

That promise was fulfilled.
((Hugs))
JT

Tiro

As painful as this place might be now it is the doorway to a better understanding and healing.

I spent years being angry at my father (the alcoholic in my family)

I blamed him for everything. But then I began to understand that my father was simply perpetuating family dysfunctions passed down to him from his own parents and further compounded by dysfunction from my mother's side of the table.

For years my father remained the main focus of blame until I LEARNED THAT OUR ENTIRE FAMILY UNIT WAS DYSFUNCTIONAL.

Sure my father did a lot of harm during his drinking years but when I consider the way my mom treated him I find it hard to blame him anymore for not coming home at nights.

Alcoholism is a complex condition that produces complex families.The entire family unit is subsequently ill and needs attention.

The good news is that treatment is available and you are in a place where people know,understand and care.

Petunia

China,

I started my life training as a good Catholic, then moved for many years to the point of more agnositic than atheist. I started therapy (vs. recovery) while still in the agnostic mode. I didn't pray but I didn't say there wasn't an HP either.

My therapist tried a few times over about a 2 year period to ask me about spirituality and I resisted. Not sure why, but I didn't want to discuss what I felt about spirituality b/c it automatically brought up Catholicism in my mind. For some reason when I started to go to Al-Anon I became more accepting of the concept of HP. Maybe I was ready to let go of all of things that I felt I had to keep managing every day or else the world would collapse around me. I think I was emotionally tired of being the strong, reliable, consistent one and I was more open to the idea that there could be someone/something out there bigger, stronger and willing to take it all on - that being, HP.

I stuggled to let go. I still do and at times I let go of something, only to immediately snatch it back. But what I realize is that if I accept for myself, my version/vision of an HP, one that is willing to take the hard stuff from me then I have the energy I need to get other stuff done. And oddly, I think it also allows my mind to clear long enough to figure out what, or if, I really need to be dealing with the issue in the first place. Sometimes the strangest thing will happen, I'll ask for a few moments of peace or I will repeat to myself, "My HP determines my value" and I will be distracted from the obsessive thought I was having - usually about my family.

Sometimes I call HP God, othertimes the Big G. Other times I just know that there is someone out there that will accept me - warts and all. This has taken time to accept b/c my vision of HP came from how my parents acted. They were the first "concept" of HP that I had. I learned that HP could be cold, distant, demanding, perfectionist, angry, selfish. It is not surprising to me that as I got older the idea of HP wasn't all that appealing. But I have realized and accept that my HP is not those things. Those are the things that my parents feel for all their historical reasons.

HP to me is not associated with a religion or a theology. HP is the one person/thing that is accepting of all that exists, as it exists, in its most basic and raw state. I don't read the Bible, or go to Church. But I thank my HP every evening for all the wonderful gifts that I have been given that day. It is a willingness to accept that I do not know it all, that I can't do it all, or that I can't fix it all.

Take what you need. You're brave to delve into the concept b/c it requires a growing sense of faith and a willingness to let go of the root.

I hope you find what you need...
Petunia