Need Help, How do I start setting boundaries?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Oxford CT
Posts: 2
Need Help, How do I start setting boundaries?
Everytime I speak to my father on the phone, he is extremely depressed. He always talks about how horrible his life is. This is nothing new but now that he has gotten his second DUI and he is in jeopardy of losing his job, it is much worse. I always get very upset after talking to him. I try to be positive and tell him that it could have been worse, I try to be understanding and just listen, but it doesn't change anything. Is there something I should be saying to him? What can I do to not let it affect me so much?? I am wondering how I can start setting boundaries without abandoning him??
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I was sober about 5 years when my father really started whining to me every time we talked or I visited.
I had to start sounding like a broken record and every time he started I would quietly ask: "What are YOU going to do about it?"
After about six months I added: "Do you think your problems may be a result of alcohol?? What are YOU going to do about it?"
This went on for several years, but I am happy to say that he finally started doing some things to improve and did finally stop drinking.
He was sober when he passed on to the next leg of his journey on October 13, 2000.
He had over 5 years and he was 85. He had to come to it on his own. There was no way that I could do it for him.
Talk to your dad about lots of things and when he brings up his horrible life, just become a "repeating tape". Eventually it will sink in.
Just love him, but please don't put a guilt trip on yourself. HE got himself where he is at today.
JMHO
Love and (((((to all))))),
I had to start sounding like a broken record and every time he started I would quietly ask: "What are YOU going to do about it?"
After about six months I added: "Do you think your problems may be a result of alcohol?? What are YOU going to do about it?"
This went on for several years, but I am happy to say that he finally started doing some things to improve and did finally stop drinking.
He was sober when he passed on to the next leg of his journey on October 13, 2000.
He had over 5 years and he was 85. He had to come to it on his own. There was no way that I could do it for him.
Talk to your dad about lots of things and when he brings up his horrible life, just become a "repeating tape". Eventually it will sink in.
Just love him, but please don't put a guilt trip on yourself. HE got himself where he is at today.
JMHO
Love and (((((to all))))),
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Boundaries CAN help not let it affect you so much. First for me is not having conversations with a drunk. They say stuff they don't mean and don't remember it anyway. At least it is a place to start. Simply saying" I am not talking to you when you are like this...goodbye" is all it takes or simply "I have to go" I cut it short and leave the room with my husband and get off the phone with my son. Over time they do get the point but in my son's case he continues to test me.
At least that is a start, you can be understanding and listen when he is sober.
One other small thing I have recently put into action is eliminating the "Have you blah blah blah?" and the "You should blah blah blah" I usually don't like the answer to the "Have you's" and the "You should's" are just as bad. They both keep ME in the middle of it and that is not where I want to be.
(((Hugs)))
JT
At least that is a start, you can be understanding and listen when he is sober.
One other small thing I have recently put into action is eliminating the "Have you blah blah blah?" and the "You should blah blah blah" I usually don't like the answer to the "Have you's" and the "You should's" are just as bad. They both keep ME in the middle of it and that is not where I want to be.
(((Hugs)))
JT
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