pinkbuddha

I am 22 years old and my father has been an alcoholic for most of my life. Although his drinking was the primary reason my parents' marriage ended, I was often able to convince myself that his drinking wasn't "that bad" because he has managed to financially support himself and his second wife. Their marriage has now ended and it seems that his drinking has become even worse. New Years Eve, I was on my way to a party with friends when I received a call from my sister. She explained that Dad was in jail because he had gotten a second DUI. She wanted to leave him in jail overnight. I felt horrible about him sitting in a jail cell on New Years Eve and wanted to go get him but I was over an hour away and did not have my own car. I attempted to go to the party and act as if nothing was wrong but shortly after midnight I started crying and my boyfriend offered to drive me to the jail to get him. The next morning my sister called again to tell me that he was brought to the hospital by police with a blood alcohol level of 0.37, barely below alcohol poisioning. He had only been home alone for about 3 hours.
I am so depressed. I have been calling him 2 times a day to make sure that he is okay. I am terrified of him drinking that much again and actually poisioning himself. I know he lives alone because of all the bad choices he's made but I feel so horrible for him. He is always so weak. I have been to several al-anon meetings in the past, I have read books, it doesn't help. I am trying not to enable him or make excuses but I feel like if I really tell him how sad and dissapointed I am, I will just push him to drink more. I guess what I need to know is how to talk to him. I love him so much, what can I say to him? He is so incredibly negative and depressed all of the time. He keeps saying he is going to lose his job or maybe go to jail. Everytime I get off the phone with him, I feel horrible.

nocellphone

pinkbuddha,

I can feel your pain, as it so closely resembles my own during experiences with my family members.

The only thing that helped me make sense of my life and find solutions was (and is) Al-Anon, especially Adult Child Focus meetings.

There I learned that it is not my responsibility to be a parent to my parent, no matter what I learned to the contrary as a child. Whether my mom uses or not today is not my business, as hard as it is for me to accept that. When I do accept that she has a Higher Power and that I'm not it, my sanity returns---no matter what path she chooses. When I look in the mirror and I see her face instead of mine, I'm in serious trouble.

Today I choose not to do for an adult human being what they can do for themselves. I also know that if I come between an alcoholic and their bottom, they're gonna land on me. I need to step out of the way of the natural course of things and Let Go and Let God. This is where prayer becomes indispensible.

Petunia

PinkBuddah,

I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you are experiencing with your family. I am 37 years old and just now getting to the point that I speak up to my F. I am working on not seeing my F as anything other than a person. He is not a god, he is not special or unique as I may have seen him as a child. I cannot see him in any way other than an authentic view of who he is to me. Based on how he has treated me. Not on how life has treated him. Or what things have occurred.

I have had to tell people in my family that I have accepted that they may die from the things that they chose to do. The drinking, drugging, abusive relationships. I have had to make peace, and re-make peace about these things. Telling my family what I was worried about put the focus correctly on what was going on - that I was AFRAID. Afraid of what might happen to them and my what I would have to deal with if it did. It was one of the first times I had to come to terms with what I was feeling and what I wanted. But I can't control them. And I have to accept that I can only affect my life, health, sanity, well-being.

I do hope that you will find the answers that you are looking for and the help that you need to find some peace today.

Wishing you some peace tonight,
Petunia