In need of someone to listen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 2
In need of someone to listen
I feel rather typically newbie-ish to jump onto this message board and already post about my problems, but the truth is I've just spent a good half hour online looking for somewhere to post, where someone would listen.
My mother has been an alcoholic and a pill-popper for pretty much my entire childhood- I'm 22 now. Dad left when I was a baby, mother raised me by herself. Eleven years ago, she went into detox and was clean for a good five years after that. While in detox, she met my future stepdad and they later got married. Everything was fine until something happened-- something my stepdad did (which I'd rather not get into at the moment, here) that my mother used as an excuse to start drinking again. Ever since then, she's been on and off with the drinking and the pills, in more rehab centers than I can count, to the point where she knows the recovery programs better than the one administering them. Still, she drinks, and blames my stepdad. Two months ago, he left her. I'm still living with her, as I don't have enough money to get out on my own, even though the money is only part of the problem.
My mother is the problem. I want to love her like a daugher should, especially since she's been clean for two months, but she makes me absolutely miserable. I don't doubt that she loves me-- aside from the drinking, everything she's ever done has been for my benefit. But she manipulates and emotionally blackmails me into staying with her. I'd like to move in with my stepdad, but she's threatened him with what happened all those years ago. I can't go anywhere. I can't deal with her anymore. I honestly don't know what she'll do if I try to leave-- whether she might start drinking again, or try to hurt herself, or try to hurt my stepdad or the rest of the family. And I can't talk to anyone. I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm torn-- I love her, but I hate her at the same time for what she does to me.
I don't really know what I came here looking for on this board, but a shout of "hey, you're not alone" would go a long way. A hug would be nice too. I haven't had one in a long time.
Thank you all for listening.
My mother has been an alcoholic and a pill-popper for pretty much my entire childhood- I'm 22 now. Dad left when I was a baby, mother raised me by herself. Eleven years ago, she went into detox and was clean for a good five years after that. While in detox, she met my future stepdad and they later got married. Everything was fine until something happened-- something my stepdad did (which I'd rather not get into at the moment, here) that my mother used as an excuse to start drinking again. Ever since then, she's been on and off with the drinking and the pills, in more rehab centers than I can count, to the point where she knows the recovery programs better than the one administering them. Still, she drinks, and blames my stepdad. Two months ago, he left her. I'm still living with her, as I don't have enough money to get out on my own, even though the money is only part of the problem.
My mother is the problem. I want to love her like a daugher should, especially since she's been clean for two months, but she makes me absolutely miserable. I don't doubt that she loves me-- aside from the drinking, everything she's ever done has been for my benefit. But she manipulates and emotionally blackmails me into staying with her. I'd like to move in with my stepdad, but she's threatened him with what happened all those years ago. I can't go anywhere. I can't deal with her anymore. I honestly don't know what she'll do if I try to leave-- whether she might start drinking again, or try to hurt herself, or try to hurt my stepdad or the rest of the family. And I can't talk to anyone. I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm torn-- I love her, but I hate her at the same time for what she does to me.
I don't really know what I came here looking for on this board, but a shout of "hey, you're not alone" would go a long way. A hug would be nice too. I haven't had one in a long time.
Thank you all for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Vabeth.
Here's a hug and you are most assuredly not alone.
It's very hard to watch someone you love self-destruct.
Your mother can and will use any excuse in the book for her substance abuse.
The point is, it's not your fault and it's not your step-father's fault.
You are not your mother's keeper, nor her babysitter.
You have your own life to live.
If your Mom is well versed in the recovery programs, she knows what she needs to do to get clean and stay clean.
It's up to her when that happens.
Your job is to take care of you.
Coming here was a great way to start.
Glad you found us, stick around.
And here's another hug,
Gabe
Here's a hug and you are most assuredly not alone.
It's very hard to watch someone you love self-destruct.
Your mother can and will use any excuse in the book for her substance abuse.
The point is, it's not your fault and it's not your step-father's fault.
You are not your mother's keeper, nor her babysitter.
You have your own life to live.
If your Mom is well versed in the recovery programs, she knows what she needs to do to get clean and stay clean.
It's up to her when that happens.
Your job is to take care of you.
Coming here was a great way to start.
Glad you found us, stick around.
And here's another hug,
Gabe
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome!!
You are 22 and it is time for you to start planning a life for yourself. Are you in school?? Are you working?? There may not be enough money today but if you start to plan you will be working toward something and that will make you feel better.
Living with an active addict is horrible if you don't have the tools to deal with it. Al Anon would be the quickest support for you. They are all over the place, more so than ACOA or Naranon and the process is the same.
You have to take care of yourself. Feel free to hang here or on the Friends and Family or Naranon forums. There is a lot of information. Read the stickies at the top if you haven't already.
We are here 24/7...make yourself at home!
Hugs,
JT
You are 22 and it is time for you to start planning a life for yourself. Are you in school?? Are you working?? There may not be enough money today but if you start to plan you will be working toward something and that will make you feel better.
Living with an active addict is horrible if you don't have the tools to deal with it. Al Anon would be the quickest support for you. They are all over the place, more so than ACOA or Naranon and the process is the same.
You have to take care of yourself. Feel free to hang here or on the Friends and Family or Naranon forums. There is a lot of information. Read the stickies at the top if you haven't already.
We are here 24/7...make yourself at home!
Hugs,
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 2
Hi again, and thank you for the replies. Once I get my own act together, I hope I'll be able to return the favour and become a productive member of this board.
To answer your question JT, I'm out of school (with a degree in French) and I work in a bookstore, but I barely make enough to get by all my myself. Half a year ago, I'd found a nice cheap place with a roommate but allowed myself to be manipulated into moving back with my mother.
It's as much my fault as it is hers, I'm sure. It's just hard to be reasonable and strong when it's much easier to just give in and hope everything will end up okay, even though it rarely does.
Christmas is a tough time for something like this. I hope those of you who are reading this have been having a good holiday.
Vabeth
To answer your question JT, I'm out of school (with a degree in French) and I work in a bookstore, but I barely make enough to get by all my myself. Half a year ago, I'd found a nice cheap place with a roommate but allowed myself to be manipulated into moving back with my mother.
It's as much my fault as it is hers, I'm sure. It's just hard to be reasonable and strong when it's much easier to just give in and hope everything will end up okay, even though it rarely does.
Christmas is a tough time for something like this. I hope those of you who are reading this have been having a good holiday.
Vabeth
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Vabeth...I hope your holiday was good too!
Bookstore?? I would love that job but like you said the pay isn't all that great.
I am a mom of a 30 year old alcoholic and the daughter of one too. I would love to see you put a plan together...no rush...but something you can be proud of and make you independent. As sad as it is...us daughters can be drawn to dysfunctional (wanna fixum) relationships.
Think about it..k??
((Hugs))
JT
Bookstore?? I would love that job but like you said the pay isn't all that great.
I am a mom of a 30 year old alcoholic and the daughter of one too. I would love to see you put a plan together...no rush...but something you can be proud of and make you independent. As sad as it is...us daughters can be drawn to dysfunctional (wanna fixum) relationships.
Think about it..k??
((Hugs))
JT
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((Vabeth))))
Cyber hugs to you you are not alone. I too am an ACOA.....I split just as soon as I had a job when I was 15...anyway I know there are jobs out there that want someone who speaks french and english you might have to relocate...but the money would probably be worth it.....
Cyber hugs to you you are not alone. I too am an ACOA.....I split just as soon as I had a job when I was 15...anyway I know there are jobs out there that want someone who speaks french and english you might have to relocate...but the money would probably be worth it.....
and that is all that matters..
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 73
Vabeth,
The important part is that you are doing something. You are reaching out to others. You are seeking answers. And all at 22 years old! I am a newbie too, but I didn't start until I was 41! You are making progress in your recovery just by admitting that there is a problem.
Remember, take baby steps, but relish in the fact that you are. Baby steps forward are better than no steps. Baby steps like searching for a better paying job so you can get a place of your own.
Keep reading all you can. Be a sponge. Attend ACOA, or Al-Anon meetings and keep posting here. Learn, then do. The good feelings are well worth it.
God bless!
The important part is that you are doing something. You are reaching out to others. You are seeking answers. And all at 22 years old! I am a newbie too, but I didn't start until I was 41! You are making progress in your recovery just by admitting that there is a problem.
Remember, take baby steps, but relish in the fact that you are. Baby steps forward are better than no steps. Baby steps like searching for a better paying job so you can get a place of your own.
Keep reading all you can. Be a sponge. Attend ACOA, or Al-Anon meetings and keep posting here. Learn, then do. The good feelings are well worth it.
God bless!
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
You are not alone at all
No Darlin' you are not alone in the least bit.
I am twenty years old and decided not to live with my addicted and manipulative Mom back in March. I just could not be her nurse person anymore. I got so sick of it. Manipulation is a way or life for her.
Recently I visited her and the rest of my addicted family for Christmas. I could not imagine how it would feel to still be living with them. They still continue to use me and belittle me. I dont want to go back for more but I keep forcing myself to go see them. *sigh*
But this thread is about you not me. I just want you to know that you are not the only one going through this. You are not the only torn one. Believe me, I am very torn.
May you be blessed and I hope my words have been of some comfort.
(((((((((((((((HUGS TO YOU))))))))))))))
~Def
I am twenty years old and decided not to live with my addicted and manipulative Mom back in March. I just could not be her nurse person anymore. I got so sick of it. Manipulation is a way or life for her.
Recently I visited her and the rest of my addicted family for Christmas. I could not imagine how it would feel to still be living with them. They still continue to use me and belittle me. I dont want to go back for more but I keep forcing myself to go see them. *sigh*
But this thread is about you not me. I just want you to know that you are not the only one going through this. You are not the only torn one. Believe me, I am very torn.
May you be blessed and I hope my words have been of some comfort.
(((((((((((((((HUGS TO YOU))))))))))))))
~Def
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by Vabeth
I'm torn-- I love her, but I hate her at the same time for what she does to me.
My experiences with Mom sound similar to yours, and I began my recovery in Al-Anon at 26 years old. People told me many times how fortunate I was to have begun the process "so young", but from my perspective, I'd been dealing with other people's alcoholic insanity my entire life! At the time, I didn't feel "fortunate". Today I do.
It took me a while to come to the understanding that I could love someone (Mom...?) and be angry with them at the same time. I had to learn that this was not only acceptable, but natural and to be expected under the circumstances. I learned to give myself permission to feel what I feel. It's that bit about loving the person and hating the disease.
It can be hard to say things like, "I love you, but I don't like your behavior", but it's well worth the short-term discomfort.
I hope you stick around and keep coming back!
Peace!
i have to heal from the steal
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: nyc
Posts: 4
im new to this too, so id like to thank you for posting it all out there VB as your newness is something that does not sound so new to many
i know how you feel about thinking you are the only one,
as many times as i have as well tried to figure things out on my own,
i can see the manipulation come to light as well
i joinded this forum today, as sort of a call to my last staw and knowing that i need to talk to people that may know what i am dealing with with my own mother,
and that is hard for people who don't know what you have been through with a life long alchoholic in you life,
who says she will never quit drinking !!!!!!
so i really do think is was a brave step and a loving one for your mom to even try and suceed at some level, and that shows care for you in many ways
in that way you are somewhat lucky
also like many others have expressed , you are coming at this at a younger age...myself being 38...and wishing that i had taken this action, and had tried at an earlier time
but i have to say , i bless the day the internet came to be, cause it lets you know that you are not alone, in many ways in life
making changes VB is your greatest step, job home, and i do know what you feel about tha manipulation and blackmail.....i call it when they get desparate!!!...and that is when i tend to feel the most torn as well
so let me too extend you a HUG!!!!!!!, and join you all in this place, where i know , im not as alone as i always think i am
i know how you feel about thinking you are the only one,
as many times as i have as well tried to figure things out on my own,
i can see the manipulation come to light as well
i joinded this forum today, as sort of a call to my last staw and knowing that i need to talk to people that may know what i am dealing with with my own mother,
and that is hard for people who don't know what you have been through with a life long alchoholic in you life,
who says she will never quit drinking !!!!!!
so i really do think is was a brave step and a loving one for your mom to even try and suceed at some level, and that shows care for you in many ways
in that way you are somewhat lucky
also like many others have expressed , you are coming at this at a younger age...myself being 38...and wishing that i had taken this action, and had tried at an earlier time
but i have to say , i bless the day the internet came to be, cause it lets you know that you are not alone, in many ways in life
making changes VB is your greatest step, job home, and i do know what you feel about tha manipulation and blackmail.....i call it when they get desparate!!!...and that is when i tend to feel the most torn as well
so let me too extend you a HUG!!!!!!!, and join you all in this place, where i know , im not as alone as i always think i am
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Holland, MI
Posts: 1
Hi Vabeth, I have been in recovery a while and would like to give you some practical tips from my experiences. First of all....if at all possible...find a local meeting. You may find help is at your meetings (Al-anon, or ACOA). We are not in this alone, and although it feels like it, you're not betraying your mother by taking care of yourself first. The three C's come to mind....you didn't cause her drinking (even the most recent relapse), you can't control it (even though we knock ourselves out trying!), and we can't cure it. You are not being a 'bad' daughter by moving out...and I will say, if you really want to move out....there are ways to do so. My first suggestion (as it worked for me in a similar situation) is to start praying....something like this may be helpful "God (or who ever you call "it"), if it be your will for me to move out, please provide a safe place for me to live. Your will be done. Amen." When I prayed something similar to this, and meant it with everything in me....oportunities opened up that there was NO WAY to account for, other than spiritual intervention. I also have found reading of 12 step literature extremely helpful to my peace of mind. Just because my loved one's life is going down the toilet doesn't mean mine has to also. You are on the right track, and I have to tell you, you are in for one heck-of-a ride. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done - to work a 12 step program...work it for ME...not for the alcoholic. Best of luck, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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