Death and Family
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Death and Family
Two uncles have died/are dying in the last 4 months. In both cases, neither my 'parents' nor my siblings have told me.
For the first, AF asked my XH to tell me. AF or others can reach me via phone, email, &/or FB. They choose not to. They ignored me at the funeral.
With the one who's dying now, XH once again told me. Then three of my kids called and texted to tell me. It suggests to me that 1. they know my 'parents' and siblings won't tell me and 2. they recognize that it's wrong for them not to tell me.
Beyond this--I'm disgusted with the AF and CoDependent Mother (CM) and the siblings. They are petty and nasty and I can guarantee the whole time they're doing this, they're feeling quite self-righteous that I cut myself off from the family and it's my own fault.
Uh, yes, I quit going to family events or seeing any of them AND I told them why: Because they treat me like garbage. They individually told me that's because I deserve to be treated like garbage and they have since then gone on to talk earnestly and in such concern to other people including my then-boyfriend (now husband) and my cousin, telling them please talk some sense into me, they so want me back in the family, they loooooove me, won't they (husband and cousin) tell me how much I'm wanted and loved. (Yes, as long as I smilingly accept my place in the pecking order, which is the pooping mat in the hen house, and stop objecting.)
But they won't just speak to me. And the once or twice they did and I told them (calmly and succinctly) the problem, they just told me it wasn't happening or I deserved it. Back to Square One.
How do I handle the anger? I have repeatedly forgiven these people for decades for all the nasty, ugly, stupid, belittling things they've done. I finally quit being part of it but I still don't seek revenge or say nasty things about or to them. But it seems like every time I turn around, they're doing and saying more things that I once again need to process, deal with, wonder what the upshot will be, will my kids finally see them for what they are and quit being their pawns? [My kids are adults so no, I can't stop them seeing these people.]
Apart from this, none of my aunts or uncles have made any attempt to have any relationship at all with me since I moved home 20 years ago. They're nice enough people but they've never cared if I'm part of their lives so I'm not sure why everyone expects me to drop everything and run now, driving 3 hours to see Uncle #2 in his last moments.
For the first, AF asked my XH to tell me. AF or others can reach me via phone, email, &/or FB. They choose not to. They ignored me at the funeral.
With the one who's dying now, XH once again told me. Then three of my kids called and texted to tell me. It suggests to me that 1. they know my 'parents' and siblings won't tell me and 2. they recognize that it's wrong for them not to tell me.
Beyond this--I'm disgusted with the AF and CoDependent Mother (CM) and the siblings. They are petty and nasty and I can guarantee the whole time they're doing this, they're feeling quite self-righteous that I cut myself off from the family and it's my own fault.
Uh, yes, I quit going to family events or seeing any of them AND I told them why: Because they treat me like garbage. They individually told me that's because I deserve to be treated like garbage and they have since then gone on to talk earnestly and in such concern to other people including my then-boyfriend (now husband) and my cousin, telling them please talk some sense into me, they so want me back in the family, they loooooove me, won't they (husband and cousin) tell me how much I'm wanted and loved. (Yes, as long as I smilingly accept my place in the pecking order, which is the pooping mat in the hen house, and stop objecting.)
But they won't just speak to me. And the once or twice they did and I told them (calmly and succinctly) the problem, they just told me it wasn't happening or I deserved it. Back to Square One.
How do I handle the anger? I have repeatedly forgiven these people for decades for all the nasty, ugly, stupid, belittling things they've done. I finally quit being part of it but I still don't seek revenge or say nasty things about or to them. But it seems like every time I turn around, they're doing and saying more things that I once again need to process, deal with, wonder what the upshot will be, will my kids finally see them for what they are and quit being their pawns? [My kids are adults so no, I can't stop them seeing these people.]
Apart from this, none of my aunts or uncles have made any attempt to have any relationship at all with me since I moved home 20 years ago. They're nice enough people but they've never cared if I'm part of their lives so I'm not sure why everyone expects me to drop everything and run now, driving 3 hours to see Uncle #2 in his last moments.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Im sorry for this situation you are in.
I read your post and can sense the frustration, anger and hurt you feel.
I'm not in your exact situation, but I am right beside you when it comes to toxic families and relationships.
I find it hard to not become angry and verbalise it to my family.
I feel very lonely and left out, but I'm never going to win on that with them.
Its a battle I lost 40 years ago.
I think you should stand strong though in what you believe is right.
You don't have to explain your behaviour and choices to anyone but yourself.
Even to your adult kids.
If you do feel you have to have contact, have you thought about writing a letter or a phone call instead of a face to face in person meet up?
I read your post and can sense the frustration, anger and hurt you feel.
I'm not in your exact situation, but I am right beside you when it comes to toxic families and relationships.
I find it hard to not become angry and verbalise it to my family.
I feel very lonely and left out, but I'm never going to win on that with them.
Its a battle I lost 40 years ago.
I think you should stand strong though in what you believe is right.
You don't have to explain your behaviour and choices to anyone but yourself.
Even to your adult kids.
If you do feel you have to have contact, have you thought about writing a letter or a phone call instead of a face to face in person meet up?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Thank you, Sasha, Sometimes it's just good to feel someone out there heard.
I haven't said much to my kids. Once in awhile if it comes up in conversation. My son's response, when he was 16 and asked why I don't see them and I told him some of ugly, awful things they have done, including trying to choke me when I was 23, his response was, "I'm sure you think those things happened...."
In the meantime, I now have two children who don't speak to me and I absolutely believe it's coming in large part from 'the family' working at them, drip drip drip....telling them I'm all these awful, dysfunctional things.
I haven't said much to my kids. Once in awhile if it comes up in conversation. My son's response, when he was 16 and asked why I don't see them and I told him some of ugly, awful things they have done, including trying to choke me when I was 23, his response was, "I'm sure you think those things happened...."
In the meantime, I now have two children who don't speak to me and I absolutely believe it's coming in large part from 'the family' working at them, drip drip drip....telling them I'm all these awful, dysfunctional things.
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