Drawn out Death
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 1
Drawn out Death
Im new here. I've never visited a sight like this before let alone made the effort to make an account.
My father became addicted to heroin when I was about twelve, at least that's when my mom told me. Before this, I had never even seen my dad drink a beer and he was an extremely hands on father. Im 22 now, and have not seen or heard from my dad since 2015, and then once on the phone in 2018. There has been no trace of him on the internet and no contact from him to any of my other relatives. I used to be able to keep track a little through constantly checking the internet, and about every few months a new mugshot would circulate from an arrest. The last known location from him was Phoenix Arizona, where he's been living on the streets for years. There is a federal arrest warrant out for him for closer to two years now, but there is still no trace from him.
Its been ten years since he's been in my life and I still find myself obsessing, constantly looking through morgue pictures trying to see if he's one of them, googling him anywhere I can think of. Its become an extremely unhealthy habit for me that has become an almost nightly ritual.
I have spent a large amount of my life worried about him and if he's alive. I thought by now I would be able to accept what has become of him. A part of me still imagines him being in my life and sober, even though I don't even know if he's alive.
I know in my heart I need to let go, but this feels like the worst outcome from this situation. It feels like the longest drawn out death there could be. I yearn for closure so bad, and can't help but think I will never get it. That he will never circulate back to society, never be found, or has already passed on and somehow I will never know. I don't feel like this chapter of my life can close until he's either found, or presumed dead. Ive been mourning the loss of him for what feels like ten years now, and I fear the only closure Im going to get is waiting two more years and having him be presumed legally dead.
I hate that after all this time my heart still imagines him here, sober. Back to his original self, not what he's morphed into because of his heroin addiction. But after five years of no trace, I don't know what im holding onto anymore.
My father became addicted to heroin when I was about twelve, at least that's when my mom told me. Before this, I had never even seen my dad drink a beer and he was an extremely hands on father. Im 22 now, and have not seen or heard from my dad since 2015, and then once on the phone in 2018. There has been no trace of him on the internet and no contact from him to any of my other relatives. I used to be able to keep track a little through constantly checking the internet, and about every few months a new mugshot would circulate from an arrest. The last known location from him was Phoenix Arizona, where he's been living on the streets for years. There is a federal arrest warrant out for him for closer to two years now, but there is still no trace from him.
Its been ten years since he's been in my life and I still find myself obsessing, constantly looking through morgue pictures trying to see if he's one of them, googling him anywhere I can think of. Its become an extremely unhealthy habit for me that has become an almost nightly ritual.
I have spent a large amount of my life worried about him and if he's alive. I thought by now I would be able to accept what has become of him. A part of me still imagines him being in my life and sober, even though I don't even know if he's alive.
I know in my heart I need to let go, but this feels like the worst outcome from this situation. It feels like the longest drawn out death there could be. I yearn for closure so bad, and can't help but think I will never get it. That he will never circulate back to society, never be found, or has already passed on and somehow I will never know. I don't feel like this chapter of my life can close until he's either found, or presumed dead. Ive been mourning the loss of him for what feels like ten years now, and I fear the only closure Im going to get is waiting two more years and having him be presumed legally dead.
I hate that after all this time my heart still imagines him here, sober. Back to his original self, not what he's morphed into because of his heroin addiction. But after five years of no trace, I don't know what im holding onto anymore.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
