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Enabler Who Wants To Stop....

Old 11-22-2021, 10:16 AM
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Enabler Who Wants To Stop....

But low-key feels forced to continue....

A little background: I'm the transgender son of an alcoholic. Due to my circumstances (full time student collecting prerequisites for med school, while also working as a scribe at a local hospital); I have to live with my dad, the aforementioned alcoholic. My parents are divorced, largely because of my dad's drinking (sexting exes and lying about it, and basically being emotionally abusive and manipulative to my mom whenever he's confronted about his drinking). He's a teacher who retired at the beginning of the pandemic (so you can include a few ex-students in the rolodex of people he's sexted while drunk). He's held three jobs in the year since retirement, and this current job he barely shows up for. Because he's a band director, he's usually lined up to get frequent judging gigs, which typically pay pretty well. However, he's bailed on THREE gigs in the last month, in the day of! (Usually pulling out his catch-all excuse: "My stomach hurts.")

This brings me to my point: I love my job at the hospital, but the pay stinks. It's nowhere near enough to support just one person! And monthly, I've had to give my dad payments to help pay with bills and stuff. But the thing is, I've caught him using that money to buy beer! I know what I'm doing is enabling behavior, and I want it to stop!

But anytime I try to snitch to my mom about it, she just shrugs and says, "As long you're living there, you still have to pay him. Once you give him the money, who cares what he does with it?" Except I do care. Because it's MY money! Money I could be using to help pay for top surgery, which I've been waiting for for years. And honestly, I feel like she's a codependent enabler as well. I want to move out and have better control of my finances, but on $10/hr working 25 hours a week while being a full-time student, that's not even close to enough to support just myself! (Rent for a studio apartment in Houston, TX starts at $600/month!) And I feel like I can't ask my friends my friends to help, because a lot of them went to the same school as me, and where my dad taught. He's highly respected in his field, and a lot of my friends look up to him and even cited him as their inspiration for going into teaching. (Pretty much a question of who are they gonna believe; the friend they had for years, or the teacher who inspired them who happens to be the friend's parent?) So I basically feel trapped in this enabling cycle.

​​​​​​Since I can't afford to live on my own yet, is there a way to put my foot down to my parents and tell them I refuse to give my dad another cent of my money because I know where it actually goes? Or am I being unreasonable in my request?
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Old 11-22-2021, 10:23 AM
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I should also add that, like every addict, he gets extremely defensive when you mention anything that has to do with his drinking. Like, when I told him I needed him when I recover from top surgery, he stormed off and refused to talk to me the rest of the day. Didn't even say anything about his drinking! (He also pulled a no-show when I talked with a psychologist in order to get my insurance to approve the procedure, so basically he proved my point that I can't rely on him.)
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Old 11-22-2021, 10:26 AM
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You can move out.

Roommates or government assistance or both.

I went to college and lived on very little money, had roommates. Roommates are just as bad, though. Jus' sayin.

Stop giving your dad money. He'd either have to have you legally evicted or you'll both lose the home due to non-payment. Tell him why.

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Old 11-22-2021, 10:37 AM
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Unfortunately, your mom is right. Once you give your dad money, it's his money, not yours, and you can't control what he does with it. Nor can you force him to confront his alcoholism, stop lying, or be a better person. The best you can is protect yourself from the consequences of his choices, and that means getting out of there.
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