77firewife

Ok... Here we go, My father is an alcoholic (recovering 14 years). Still avidly attends AA a few times a week. I am 27 and married with 2 boys. My husband and I just started attending marriage counseling 2 weeks ago. On our first visit the therapist asked a list of general questions such as: do either of you have alcoholism in your family? So I spoke up and said yes my father was/is an alcoholic. Now keep in mind, my hubby and & i are seeking counseling because we have major issues. Well the therapist immediatly says to me "You need to attend ACOA as soon as possible" then she tells my husband that I need extra affection, understanding, love and attention more so than in a normal relationship. I have never gave my fathers alcoholism a second though. I always looked at it as he's an alcoholic and it doesn't affect me. Well now I am feeling as if I just had a ton of cement dropped on me. I can't remember my childhood at all! Only the bad areas and not even too many of them. I have talked with my parents and I am very close with them so they are understanding what is happening but we never talked about those times until now. Because I never cared. In my marriage I am codependent, I have lost myself and all the characteristics of an ACOA are me, EVERY SINGLE ONE!!! My husband told me he really thought I was going crazy because of the way I act. I even went to the Dr. because I was convinced I was suffering from depression and anxiety, so they put me on Zoloft( which I quit taking). That wasn't the problem, the problem lies within my past. So where do I start? I have ordered books on ACOA, I am looking for meetings in my area to attend but can I become normal? Can my marriage work? I am so overwhelmed with this. I need all and every advice that you all can offer. Thank you

best

Try the yellowpages. Call the AA chapters in your area if no ACOA is listed.
Yes you can find solutions. Yes your marriage can work.
People find answers every day and you will as well. There is a better tomorrow. Answers come and solutions are found. Your already half way there.

Gabe

Best is right, you're on your way. Becoming aware of what's hurting us is the first step towards healing it.

DesertEyes

Hello FireWife, and welcome to the forum :-)

That's fairly common among us ACA's :-) No need to worry, with a little love and attention you will remember all the good times and overcome all the bad :-)

It's really good news that you have found the source of your issues. Now you know where all the tools are with which you can overcome your past and life a healthy present.

You have already started :-) Sharing here and in therapy is a great start. Reading books is great too. If you don't find ACA meetings in your area, or if you find them too negative, you can also attend Al-Anon meetings. In many cases Al-Anon and ACA meetings have merged. Many Al-Anon meetings have babysitting available. Al-Anon is in the phone book, or look here

http://www.al-anon.org/

You are normal :-) What you have is _emotional injuries_. That's perfectly normal and common when raised in an alcoholic family. Yes, your marriage can work, and work just fine. There's hundreds of thousands of people all over the world in the programs of Al-Anon and ACA who lead perfectly normal lives and are happy, joyous and free. You can have that too if you work the program of recovery.

Yes, it is very overwhelming at first. An awful lot of new information to handle. You don't have to figure it all out today. Take your time and do it in little "baby steps" so it doesn't overwhelm you.

Welcome to this forum :-) Be sure and let us know what meetings you find and what you think of them. Write any questions you have, there's tons of good folks here who'd love to tell you all about recovery. You'll find that we are a chatty bunch :-)

Mike :-)

77firewife

Thank you Mike!
That brought tears to my eyes to hear that someone else knows where I am coming from. My husband doesn't understand and I am afraid he won't give it the time it will take. I am so scared. He is a "social" drinker and says he isn't an alcoholic (denial) so like tonte and last night he is having a few with his buddies. I am at home having the biggest life altering emotional breakdown, if it wasn't for my mom being a phone call away I would not make it. So I am at the point where this can't be about him, or me worrying if he is going to leave or whatever. For me & my kids I need to get it together. But I am sad right now. I look forward to getting to know everyone and I hope I can do this.

DesertEyes

I most certainly do. So does everybody else on this forum. Take a few minutes to go back thru all the posts and you'll see that you're not alone. We have all gone thru the pain you are feeling and we all make it out the other side.

One of the principles of this program is that we don't try to fix _everything immediately_. We just focus on those tasks that we can acomplish in just today. Tomorrow we will work on tomorrow's tasks. I've had really bad days where I just did one hour at a time. If you just focus on "One Day at a Time" and do today only what you can handle today, you will be able to handle everything in turn, and that includes questions about your husband.

Hang in there. You will be fine. You can call the local Al-Anon central office, there's usually somebody there late that you can talk to. These emotions will pass, they will pass quickly and you will be able to focus on what you need to do in order to recover and overcome your past. We've all been thru that and we are here on this forum and in real life meetings for you to talk to.

We're glad to have you with us :-) And you will be able to cope and deal with all these issues. They're terribly overwhelming at first, but there's tons of books and shrinks and meetings and other ACA's that will help you thru it. You don't have to do it alone.

Please do keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Mike :-)

IAmEnough

I am in the same boat.... I am brand new to this and it seems like I can't go on sometimes. But know this... you are taking steps that will change your life forever. This time really sucks I know, but it is necessary. See your therapist, read all you can, journal all you can. Attend ACA meetings if you can. For me, admitting it took 40 years. But now I can't afford to turn back, no matter how bad it feels.

You are an important child of God. He will not abandon you! Keep posting here. I am brand new here, but these people are fantistic and have a ton of insite! By the way, you are seeing a therapist right? How often?

77firewife

I am seeing a marriage counselor but not an actual therapist for me. That is my next step. I found an Al-Anon Adult Child meeting tomorrow night so I will see how that goes. I actually feel ok at this moment since I have been talking here. Thank you.

77firewife

BTW, WHat is my inner child? Like I said I never gave any thought to alcoholism until 2 weeks ago when the marriage counselor brought it to my attention that I was majorly affected by the disease. Now I have all kinds of things running wild in my head. Feelings that I can't explain. I want to talk to my father and we do have a close relationship but I don't want to refresh his memories that he has locked away and cause him pain. My mom keeps telling me to talk to him but I am not there yet. Does anyone know what I mean about everything going crazy in my mind? Its like a whirlwind in my head. One thought after the next, what to do, how to do, when to do, can I, should I, will I , WHAT IF..... What a mess.

DesertEyes

Yup, we all do :-)

Take a slow breath. Real slow. Then turn off the brain for just 5 seconds. Just let the brain be quiet and not think for 5 seconds. Repeat until your mind is settled.

Do it slowly. There is no rush. It can wait until tomorrow

Not today. You are too overwhelmend. Maybe tomorrow.

Yes you can, but it's easier if you first get hooked up with people at the meetings.

How's that? Am I answering some of your questions? I think you're doing just fine. Just take a slow breath and slow down the mind. You're going to be fine.

Mike :-)

77firewife

your doing fine, i am sure you know that being able to turn your brain off is hard to do. At least for me. I don't think my brain ever turns off. But that is something I will try hard to do. :crazy:

IAmEnough

Meetings with others who are ACOA are important. But for me, the actual healing is in the work. That I get from my therapist and reading anything I can get my hands on. The work is not easy, but I see no other way out of this hell. I would really recommend a therapist that understands ACOAs. He/she will lead you down the right path.

Be easy on yourself, just writing in this forum means you are willing to look for answers. You are okay, but if you want to be truly happy, it takes time. One bite at a time is how you eat an elephant. Be thankful for the very small steps you take.... such as breathing and relaxing. Damn... some days all I have is breathing. But I am really new to this all, just like you.

God Bless

punkid

get help, from ACoA or Ala-non. one needs to deal with their past or they are doomed to repeat it. i assume since you didtn like your childhood you dont want that for your kids. do something before its to late

Lonelygirl

Welcome to the forum. The first time I came here was also after a meeting with a counsellor. For me I went to see the counsellor because I was going through a depression. When we started talking about growing up with an alcoholic father and how that affect who I am, I was amazed. To be honest, I always thought I was nuts, but those things about myself that made me think I was nuts all were explained by my childhood. I actually left feeling great, like I finally figured out why I am how I am.

Like you, my dad is in recovery (4 years sober). My counsellor always encouraged me to talk to him about how it had affected me, and all that sort of stuff, but it took me a long time to be able to do it. Much of that was because I didn't want to make him feel bad about it. I know how much it took for him to quit, and how sorry he is for the drinking. It was almost a year after before I finally did talk to him, the situation just kind of presented itself one day. It felt good to get some of it off my chest, I can't say it worked miricles or anything, but it was nice to have it all in the open. So much of my problems stemmed from keeping everything to myself.

As far as your issues with your husband go, many of them probably to come back to being an ACOA. We have difficulty with relationships, but that doesn't mean we can't overcome those difficulties and have good marriages. While I have only been married a year, we have seen a marriage councellor already and a lot of this stuff was talked about there. I also spent time outside of counselling talking about how it affected me. While my husband can't really understand completely, I have found that the more I was open to him about how it affected me the better he was able to understand. One thing I have a problem with is his drinking. He does not have a problem, but I am extremely sensitive about him drinking at all. Lots of times I will over react about every little thing if the subject of him drinking is even remotely involved. I try not too, but I can't help myself. Sometimes this will cause a fight between us, but luckily he doesn't let those fights bother him to much because he knows that I can't help feeling the way I do about the subject. And I know that he is far from having a problem with it, so I try to remind myself of that.

When I first started to put together the effects that being an ACOA has had on me, I first just wanted to know how to fix me. It isn't that easy, but learning is a good start as is finding support like this forum. We are not alone. Talking openly about this will also help, for many of us being open is very hard, but it is one of those things that the more your do it the easier it gets. While it may be very awkward and hard at first, after a while it will come almost naturally.

Best of luck.

JT

Firewife...Desert is doing just fine but I am going to repeat it so you can at least hear it from someone else.

You aren't going anywhere...take your time. It did not take you 3 days to be affected and it won't take 3 days for the cure. I was 40 when I realized I had been affected and it was like my life blew up. Well, it already had but I had been blaming everyone else. It is humbling and painful to see that you have created a lot of your own wreckage. But it is yours and it is not going anywhere. It will be there tomorrow.

Practically speaking the very first thing I did was change some of my behaviors in the smallest sense. Just knowing that I wasn't an innocent victim caused me to treat my family much kinder. "You reap what you sew" is a true statement.

This is not a sprint. It is a journey that will continue your entire life. You need to reserve some energy...

(((Hugs)))
JT