livelovelife

My mum has had a drinking problem since I was a young teen. I have been thinking for a long time that I need to speak to a therapist to sort out my feelings: that my mum isn't going to change her behaviour, so I need to change my reaction to her actions as it weighs too heavily on me. I have felt distant and scared of her for years, and so many things have gone unsaid. I have also felt angry, but have kept it hidden by shutting down.

This week she came up to visit my brother (both of us live in a different country now) and so yesterday I visited them both. We went to the shop to buy dinner and she went off to buy alcohol (I knew that was the reason she wanted to go there in the first place, to have the wine ready by 4pm). I could feel my entire body on fire in a way that had never happened before; I just could not do it again. I didn't want to watch her behaviour change, even after the first glass - mouth stained black from the wine, repeating herself, slurring, ignoring the grandkids (8 and 11) to talk AT us instead of TO us. I snapped and told her that she should not be drinking alcohol in front of her grandchildren, especially for the second night running when nobody else is drinking. I told her that I was not going to visit again tomorrow if she started to drink tonight. I am 30 years old and this is the first time I have ever verbally expressed a boundary regarding her drinking. Her response was "well, if your principles are more important to you than I am..."

I lost my ****. In the aisle of the supermarket. She said that she was not "going to get slaughtered in front of my grandchildren" (she has before) and my response was "no? Like you did my entire adolescence?" I went on. I was cruel. My body was shaking. I said true things in a way that I did not want them to come out. I told her about the damage she has done to our relationship through alcohol. She started to cry. We met back up with my brother and we all pretended nothing had happened until we got back to his house. I explained the situation to my brother and left her a while to calm down.

My brother suggested I tell her I love her and give her a hug. He knows about her drinking but he has lived in another country for almost 15 years and moved out when I was six so he missed a lot of it. They also didn't speak for almost a decade after an argument when they were both drunk. So now he says he just has to accept that she drinks when she visits and hope she behaves. I went and said I was sorry and moved towards her. She moved back and gave me a look in her eye that I have only ever seen when she has been drunk: pure venom. She told me that she did not recognise me as her daughter, that I was the reflection of my father who ended their marriage with one sentence (my dad actually left after she punched him in the face - my first memory aged 6 is the sound of her hitting him from downstairs). She said I had a psychopathic look in my eye (probably the anger that she has never seen before). She said that I was ungrateful and had no idea how hard it was being a parent. I told her that she was deluded, that she needs help, that she needs to talk to someone, and that I wasn't going to put up with her behaviour anymore. She replied "you won't have to put up with anything from me anymore". I left.

I feel devastated. I feel scared that she won't talk to me again (and given the 10 year estrangment from my brother, it feels likely - she doesn't believe in unconditional love) but I feel like I can't try to make amends until she recognises that she has a problem and starts to work on it. I feel guilty for the way I spoke to her, for being so mean, but 17 years worth of anger flew out of me in a way I didn't see coming. My mum has never apologised to me for anything: for the things she has said, mostly because she can't remember the next morning. For hitting me. For smacking her head against the wall repeatedly when drunk and when I told her i would call the police if she didn't stop, she asked me if I wanted her to lose her job, and again made me feel like I was the bad one for not wanting her to smack her head against a brick wall? She has told me that she is "ashamed of me for being so judgemental" when I last told her she was drinking too much - 8 years ago. I feel guilt and relief and I'm terrified. I'm sorry this is so long. I have finally tried to contact a therapist for an appointment, but I needed to get this out somewhere.

In May I will have three years sober. the first thought I had on the train home was that I really wanted a drink. I need to get this stuff out so I don't do that.

Pathwaytofree

To realize that your mother isn't going to change, and that you can change your reaction and responses to her, is a very healthy thing to do. A therapist would be helpful to teach you how to respond to your mother.

Also know that how your mother acts and what she says is not your fault. You can't change it, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it.

It may help you in the future to try to let go of any emotions you have toward your mother. To be kind, loving, patient, and tolerant but not at your own expense. To set boundaries where you have to, but not a tone of voice that'll set her off. Have an exit strategy if things get difficult. This isn't easy to do, but in my experience it helped a lot. Just sort of let mom be who she is, have no expectations whatsoever, and don't take anything she says or does personally. And don't let her push your buttons.

I commend you on your setting boundaries. The key now is to stick with them. Don't take her bait, like she tried to bait you in with what she said about your principles being more important to you then she is. You could also try saying something like, "Mom, I love you and I was looking forward to spending time with you. Maybe you're not aware of how you change when you drink. I'd like for us to be together but without alcohol" Or something like that. Unfortunately you'll have to figure out the right words to use so it doesn't set her off.

This is very over-dramatic wording to use, to purposely bait you. Don't take the bait. She was looking for a fight.

I know it's a lot easier said then done, but try to be in the moment as an observer. Use non judgemental awareness of what your mother is saying and doing, and pause before responding and reacting. Watch your tone of voice, too.

I'm guessing she is in denial, can't face her own pain or what she's done, picks fights with you to project her pain onto you so you'll just abandon her the same way your father did and she can just drink and die alone because that is likely her biggest fear. It's hard to explain but it's like a form of self-hate and self-sabotage. I could be wrong though. Just guessing.

A therapist can teach you ways to talk to your mother about her drinking, and how to better respond to her without your own feelings of hurt and anger getting in the way.

Don't give your mother so much power. You're giving her too much power over your feelings and emotions. Never let anyone destroy your inner peace. Again I know from experience this is a lot easier said then done.

This is a great idea but you have to do it when you're ready. I'm assuming he hears from your mother that you hate her, and he hears from you that your mother hates you, is that correct? There's a lot of heightened emotions between you and your mother. Hugging her and saying "I love you" would soften her and make her act out less. She's in a tremendous amount of fear of not being loved, being alone, and being abandoned, in my opinion. Every time you remind her of what a terrible mother she was, she feels that pain even more. She's not ready to face her demons yet. Right now she just needs to feel loved. That love might make her strong enough to see what she did wrong and make amends for it one day.

Again I think abandonment and not being loved must be very key for your mother right now. Note I'm not saying anything was wrong with you, your brother, and your father for leaving. That is not the point. You all had to do what was best for you.

I understand his point. Acceptance is a healthy place to be--knowing he's not going to change her. But another option is what I said above, about setting a gentle boundary, making some kind of request that you all aren't going to drink around the children. Again, this is something a therapist would be really good at helping you word. I'm not a therapist.

I am sorry she had that reaction toward you. Your mother is full of anger, hurt, and hate right now so she couldn't accept your apology or love. This is not your fault. I know what it's like getting that look of pure venom. And in hindsight I honestly think it's their own venom and hate they have toward themselves that they project onto their child. I didn't do anything to cause such a look, and I doubt you did either. You likely just remind her of her own feelings of self-hate, and feeling like a failure as a wife, mother, and human being. Everything that leads to her to drink and rage out at you. Just my guessing here, of course. Take what you like and leave the rest. I don't know your mother and I don't know you.

This is extremely key. You remind her of your father who abandoned her and therefore caused her tremendous pain. So every time she looks at you she thinks of that. That's on her. She has a lot of stuff to work through......

I am sorry you had this happen. It sounds to me like your mother can't face up to how she acts when she's in anger or pain.

Try to work on letting go of your anger with a therapist, because it is that anger that is eating you up. We need to learn how to be free of anger, resentments, past hurts, etc. in order to live and have inner peace. You want to break the cycle now.

Again I think she's projecting her own feelings of how she views herself as a failed wife and mother onto you perhaps?? She's also taking everything personally. Someone like this if you ask to not drink in front of the children, takes it as a slight against themselves as a person instead of maturely seeing that you're just making a request to benefit children.

Fear of abandonment leads people to act in ways that causes their loved ones to abandon them. Self fulfilling prophecy. Obviously I don't need to tell you that your words were harsh. Maybe something more loving and caring would've worked but it may not have, either, coming from her children. Ask a therapist how to word it to reach her, in a way that's soft, gentle, loving, won't put her on the defense, and won't be something she takes as a personal slight.

It sounds to me like your mother through no fault of her own except not facing her own pain from the past, anger, drinking, etc. is wanting unconditional love from her children, instead of giving her children unconditional love. It's hard to explain and a therapist would better explain this. This is what happens when people with unresolved trauma from their past, have children without first resolving stuff.

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Amends are about you and your behavior, and have nothing to do with the other person. I couldn't have made amends without the guidance of my therapist and sponsor. But loving her might make her be less on the defense and help her be able to feel vulnerable enough to see her mistakes.

You weren't wrong to feel this way. But it would help you learn how to process through your anger and let it go so it won't weigh you down so much anymore.

Your mom may never apologize to you for anything. Mine hasn't and likely never will. Maybe I'll get a sign or something when she's passed on, who knows. But you have to ACCEPT that you may never get that apology. Acceptance doesn't mean you're okay with it. It just means you let it go and stop hurting you. Accept that this is where she is in her journey. You can't change it. You can't make rational sense out of it. You can't talk about how wrong it is, how she should do xyz instead of abc, because that's not going to help you. It'll exhaust you.

No one has the power to make you feel any way. You have responsibility over your own feelings, words, choices, actions, and responses. You don't have to accept responsibility for your mother's actions. She's an adult and has responsibility over them.

Your mother feels so bad about herself that she's taking everything you say as a judgement against her as a person, mother, wife, etc. She's more focused on that, then on focusing on the harm she's causing herself by drinking and banging her head against a brick wall, or on the harm she's causing by you having to witness that. She's very much stuck in her unsurmountable pain right now. I hope she gets the help she needs.

You feelings are valid.

Hopefully posting on SR will help you in the meantime. You also might want to read ACOA literature and books that are suggested in the pinned post at the beginning of this forum.

A thought is just a thought. Don't give it any power. Good job realizing when you had the thought to make the choice to get stuff out here.

Congratulations on your 3 years sobriety.

Eauchiche

Dear Live
My answer is a short one. Please dont take this personally.

Some things in life are not fixable, including some relationships.

You live in a different country than your mother, which puts you in a good position to go no/limited contact. You can detach in love, but detach.

Even if your mother were not drinking, she sounds like a personality that thrives on controversy.

You have three years sober, and a wonderful life ahead of you. Be picky about who you let into that life.

SmallButMighty

LLL, I'm sorry you had this "thing" happen with your mother. I know it hurts and it is scary to think that everything is changed between you.

Family dynamics are hard enough.. throw in alcoholism and codependence and it stops being hard and becomes insanely difficult and at times impossible. I've been there. So much F.O.G. (fear,obligation, guilt)

While the middle of a shop may not have been the best place for this confrontation, I do understand that once it started pouring out, there was no stopping decades of anguish from being spoken. You spoke your truth. I commend you for that. Your own sobriety may even hinge on it. All that toxicity was eating away at you and you managed to purge it. Please try not to feel guilty. If you didn't say anything untrue, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

You know that boundaries are what protect us from other people's chaos. You are entitled to your boundaries! If as a sober person you don't want to be around your drunk mother, that is 100% OK. If you don't want to be verbally and emotionally abused, gaslit or manipulated... please protect yourself from all people who would do such to you, including blood relations.

This is just my opinion, but maybe having a little break from mother for now might actually be best for you. She sounds like a very sick woman, and you are allowed to keep yourself safe from her illness.

I would suggest going forward, that when you do get back around to spending time with her, if drinking starts at 4pm, then maybe that's when you can separate yourself and go about doing your own thing, away from what triggers you. It really doesn't matter if she or other family members are miffed at you for leaving... you are an adult and are allowed to make healthy choices for you regardless of what ANYBODY else thinks. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, again with the F.O.G.

Have you read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? I've read it several times and every time I learn something more that enhances my life.

Please protect your own sobriety, no thing or person is worth losing that.

Hang in there. *hugs*