Join Date: Feb 2019
My story with my mother - need some advice
I'm very new to this site and to any sort of support site like this, i figured that maybe it was time for me to give it a shot. I've only told a few close friends about this, so this will be really hard for me to write about, it will most likely be long, for anyone who takes the time to read my story, thank you so much! English is also my second language so if my spelling is a little off at times, i apologize.
As i say it, i have always had two mothers, the amazing one, the compassinate, supporting and kind mother and the other one, the drunk, horrible, blaming, arguing mother. When she's overtaken by alcohol, i don't know that person, i hate that person. Her behavior is like night and day. I was raised by my mother alone for all my life, i also cannot remember half of my life, I believe that my mind has shut out those years to protect me, i honestly don't want to remember more than i do, which is why I'll first be writing about the moments that i do remember from when i was growing up. I have always had to be the parent when she had been drinking, i took care of her and because of that, i was extremely protective of her as you may realize as you read my stories. I also have autism and other diagnoses so these experiences may just have been harder on me because of that, I'd love to hear someone's opinion on these things, I'd like to know if i was over reacting or if my reactions were normal.
So, imagine a child whom loves her mother more than anything, whom only knows a life that includes her mom and her, no one else. I'll start with the one story that was a recurring nightmare for me for many years. I believe i was 7 years old, there was a barbecue with all the neighbors from the apartment buildings, a lot of kids running around in the grass playing and a lot of adults with alcohol in their hands. Everyone ate together, laughed together, until the moon shined upon us. Hours later, the grass was now empty, it was just me and 3 adults whom chose to go back inside into our apartment. I sat at the computer that was positioned right in front of the door into the kitchen, i was sat there as i was keeping an eye on the adults. They were drunk, one man, my mother and another older lady. The man lived in the top apartment of the building with his wife and kids. After a little time had passed, I looked away from the computer screen and into the kitchen, i saw the man's hands on my mothers body, their lips touching. So I walked into the kitchen and asked ''mom, when are they going to go home?'' her answer was ''soon, go back to the computer'' and that was repeted atleast five times, i tried my best to distract them, to get them to leave so that my mom wouldn't make the mistake she was making, but they didn't leave. They got annoyed of my interuptions and shut the kitchen door, i couldn't take not knowing what was going on, i wanted to protect my mother, i think i had realised at this point that she couldn't protect herself or really think about what she was doing. So i opened the door to the kitchen and saw his hands lifting my mothers shirt, touching her boobs, trying to unbutton her bra. The other woman just sat there, looking at them. I took a step back, looked to the front door and then walked back and forth between my computer and the front door. Why? Because i was considering if i was going to run up to his wife, to tell her that her husband was downstairs, kissing another woman. But i didn't. I was 7 years old and that is the one thing that i regret, that used to haunt me. Why didn't i run up? Why didn't i tell her? I had that nightmare, up until i was 18 years old, i had it for 11 years. Now as I'm older, I'm supriced of my young self, of knowing that it wasn't right that a married man was kissing my mom and that i understood that perhaps i should have told his wife but i don't know if my reaction was normal.
I can't remember much more of those earlier years, so i have to skip to when i was about 12 years old. I was in the start of discovering my depression, my anxiety attacks from my mothers alcohol abuse and being bullied for 4 years straight, when we moved to another town as my mother got a job there. My mom was my teacher in some subjects and she was working so hard for very bad principals, until the day that she finally completely broke down and dove deep down into the alcohol. I remember that summer very well, she always sat outside in the sun with a glass in her hand. My window was just above her head, so I'd sit and keep an eye at her each and every day. Then, there was some days when i tried to help her see reality, like this, very bad time. I walked into the kitchen and with a shaky voice i said ''mom, could you please let me talk for a little bit? Don't interupt me'' she answered ''okay, go ahead'' with alcohol in her breath. So i started talking, quite bluntly i said'' I don't like it when you drink, i makes me feel bad and when your friend comes over, you guys drink every time'' (her friend was coming over that day), she started to interrupt me with saying ''no, no'' but i stood up to her '' You were going to let me talk, okay? And when you drink, you are mean to me, you always want to create discussions and make me feel bad. Which is why i don't like it when she comes over'' and that's when she started screaming ''That is my choice, you can't do anything about it, she is coming and that's the end of that. And who do you think you are to stand there and say these things? Don't you know what i do for you? FOR YOU! You don't ******* stand there, telling me what i can and can't do, we do not always drink and that's the end of this conversation!'' as she was screaming these words out, i was crying my eyes out, when she was done, i ran out in tears and leaned against the brick wall of the building and fell apart.
(It took a couple years but i tried again, and again, for many years, using many different methods to try to get her to realize how much she was drinking and how it was affecting me, with the same result as what i just wrote above, there was once when she promised that she'd go to a group session and get better but never did, that's about all the effort she put into it)
A year later, we moved back to my home town. At that point, from my mother's alcohol abuse and my depression, i was broken. I felt that i wasn't worth anything. I won't get into the details as this is about her alcohol and not about me being a wreck, i will say though that i ended up in the hospital's psyciatric wing because i tried to kill myself, as that is relevant. In 2014, i was 16 and my mother met a man. He was nice in the start, i tried to let him in as he made my mom happy but he also had an alcohol problem, they would drink together every single day. They would start drinking at 12:00, or earlier, went out to pubs around 20:00-21:00 at that point, they were already extremely drunk, then they would come home around 02:30 and every single time, they were always fighting, then when they had fought for an hour or more, they'd fall asleep. Her in the bed or couch, him in the bed or chair infront of the pc. That was the daily routine, plus either under cooked or over cooked food. After months of that, i needed a break and was able to go to my friend for 4 months, but when i came back home, everything was hell between them. He had gotten a ''job'' so before he left at 7 in the morning, the arguments had already started. I woke up to their screaming. My mom was almost in tears every day and i went out to hug her. When his workday was over and i heard his keys unlock the door, i was scared. Because i always had i listen to the things he said to her and i couldn't do anything about it. The days were always the same, arguments in the morning, peace when he had left, he came home and took a beer, then the arguments started, my mom tried to ignore him, he showered and then sat at the pc, then more arguments, they watched a movie, food, arguments, then their drunk sex, then mom crying from what he's saying to her, me telling him to shut up, mom falling asleep drunk, him falling asleep drunk. AND repeat. The only difference from the days were that the arguments got worse and the screaming got louder. My mom came into my room crying all the time, saying how hurt she was, she described what he did to her as mental abuse, and it was. I stepped in many times, telling him to stop, but then he blamed me. Why? Because he wasn't allowed to drink on weekdays, because of me. Because i couldn't handle them drinking that much. However, that rule did not last long as he convinced my mother that i was controlling them and there's nothing more that my mother hates than someone trying to control her and she most likely also missed drinking whenever she wanted to. Months passed of me wanting to die, of my mom being broken down, of me trying to get my mom to tell him to leave. But he'd always ''apologize'' and she gave him another shot but the abuse continued. One day, i just had enough. I knew that my mom could not stand up for herself, i knew how tired she was of all this and i knew that i couldn't handle it.
I sat in my room and listened to him screaming at her and i tried to stop myself from going out there but i couldn't, anger had built up inside of me for months, i started recording him on my phone and i went out there, i first just tried to defend my mom, i argued with him but it was going nowhere. I had never screamed in my entire life. But i raised my voice to the point of almost screaming it out and said to him ''if you're not out of here in 5 minutes, I'm calling the cops. You are not going to continue doing this to my mom'' he just answered ''go ahead'' so i threw his clothes infront of the door and said that i was counting down. Five minutes passed of him continuing to argue with my mom, so i called the cops. They were extremely kind to me, my whole body was shaking and i could hardly speak, they saw how drunk they were and they asked if he had anyone to pick him up, he said no and they said that they would give him a ride, he tried to play it off with a happy smile and said ''that sounds great, thank you! Now i don't have to get a cab'' after they had left, my mom cried in my arms and said thank you, that it felt so good that he was gone, that maybe now we could have some peace. I mean, he was gone, that was amazing. But my mom was already broken, she was drinking even worse than before and i was slicing my skin wishing i could die.
I had already been in the psych ward twice at that point but after he had left, i realized that i couldn't continue slicing my body up, i wanted to give living one more try before i gave up. So i got the courage and went into the living room, i said to my drunk mother ''i need to go to the hospital, i need help as i do not want to live anymore'' and what she did, i will never forget. She started screaming at me, blaming me for things, such as calling the cops and making him leave, saying that i didn't need to go anywhere, i tried to run into my room and shut the door but she forced it open and continued screaming at me, i was crying my eyes out and i did something i regret, i tried calling my ''father'' whom i had not spoken to for years and asked him to help me, i told him that i wanted to die and needed help, that mom was drunk and wouldn't let me get the help i needed. He just said ''maybe your mom is right'' so i hung up, listened to my mom screaming at me until she left my room. I knew that she would fall asleep on the couch from her drinking, i contemplated killing myself but i wouldn't give up so i waited until she had fell asleep and called her best friend, my child hood friends' mom, and she drove me to the hospital. If she wouldn't have, i would have been dead today.
If anyone made it this far, thank you for reading. I'm soon done.
After we got back home from the hospital, i was medicated and felt better, mom had been there with me as i was underage and coulnd't be alone at the ward. So when we got home, i came back home to the same situation and i felt much worse as my mothers drinking continued. She started the day with drinking, ending it with blaming me for things and screaming at me, then ending it with falling asleep. I decided that i had enough of her influencing, i was strong enough to stand up for myself and after months of couch surfing and my aunt reporting my mom to social services, i got help. So now years later, I'm living in my own place, I'm happy, I've got all my diagnoses and all my meds sorted and i haven't cut myself in 2 years. After i had managed to get away from home, i cut my mom out of my life for awhile, then i let her back in, but i told her that i do not want to talk to her when she's been drinking and i don't want to be around it. A couple years have passed since i told her that, we've had a non alcoholic new years, christmas and some days where we've just hung out. But some days, when i ask if we can hang out, she says that she wants to drink and asks if that's okay and i say no, so there are still some days that she chooses alchol over me but i atleast have an option wether or not to be in that situation. My main problem at the moment is that she calls me, many days of the week, when she's been drinking and wants to talk. She does this to everyone when she's been drinking, calling them up and talking about things. She hasn't been nasty in any way, but i can't handle hearing her slurring when she talks, i can't handle the fact that she's been drinking and is under the influence so i try to cut the call short in any way i can, without actually saying ''I don't want to talk to you right now as you have been drinking'' because if i do say that, my fear is that it will trigger her to become argumentative again, that it will make her feel bad, that it will make her ''attack'' me again because we have a wonderful relationship now, she supports me so much and is there for me, i really don't want to loose that just because i tried to tell her something that she doesn't want to hear, again. She's not strong enough to hear me. But i can't just ''deal with it'' anymore, everytime she calls me when she's drunk, i get anxiety and i just think of the past which puts my mental health at risk.
So, now that you've read some of my stories of my mother and know a small bit of the life that i have had, which i cannot thank you enough for. I would love to hear how you guys handle this if you're in a similar situation, or if you know someone else in this situation, how do you reinforce the no drinking without losing your parent or creating an argument? I truly need some advice on this.