Hi, it's so great to get support on this forum, and to read other's experiences. I have been coming to terms more and more as I work through my family enmeshment issues that alcoholism is really a root of the problem, as well as my mother being an ACOA, and my father still being very emotionally immature and relies on drinking to cope with life.
My life wasn't really working out when I became an adult, and I didn't understand why. I had these weird things where I felt guilty all of the time and took on other's emotions as my own. I didn't know what I wanted or how to speak up for myself, yet I felt all powerful because I knew how to "help people" not knowing how to take care of myself, and lacked a lot of life and relationship skills. I got my self-worth from the constant validation of being the family therapist. My parents never stood up to my younger sister. When she became out of control and unsafe in her teen years, my parents did nothing to set limits, for fear of her temper tantrums. I had to get angry and say that they needed to do something. Looking back, my parents had a very liaise-fair style of parenting, and I suffered from abuse from a cousin at a young age that I don't think they know about. That cousin is now a heroin addict today, plus many other family related issues.
Then I met the love of my life, who had been through his own family issues and was estranged. He didn't "fit" the family mold of enabling, and we've been the scapegoats ever since. The family conflict and my pleas to be acknowledged have gone ignored. I am mad at them for treating my partner so badly, and they just want to "put it in the past," or act like they did nothing wrong. They are judgmental, yet still so needy of me. When I stand up to them they tell me that I'm acting like I don't love them, and I'm just causing conflict.
Now, when my parents retired, they changed for the worse. My dad, who now I see has been a functioning alcoholic, became moody, irritable, irrational, defensive, and victim-like. It's like he has no filter. My mom seems miserable, yet won't say anything. My dad started acting out in front of extended family, flipping off my sister at a wedding reception when she criticized him. Wading through all the blame and judgment they shovel onto me, I am seeing the problem for what it is. My dad's alcoholism, and my mom's extreme enabling. My boyfriend and I are barely on speaking terms with them, and I'm trying to decide what to do next. The alcoholism hasn't really been addressed in full, I think, before I would try to take the step of an intervention. I am now taking each family event like gathering data, hoping to find opportunities and evidence of their crazy behavior, so they can't just deny or turn it around on me. Thanks for reading this long post, trying to practice healthy approaches and perspectives.