Breaking through terrible enmeshment to find alcoholism

Old 11-03-2018, 07:03 PM
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Breaking through terrible enmeshment to find alcoholism

Hi, it's so great to get support on this forum, and to read other's experiences. I have been coming to terms more and more as I work through my family enmeshment issues that alcoholism is really a root of the problem, as well as my mother being an ACOA, and my father still being very emotionally immature and relies on drinking to cope with life.

My life wasn't really working out when I became an adult, and I didn't understand why. I had these weird things where I felt guilty all of the time and took on other's emotions as my own. I didn't know what I wanted or how to speak up for myself, yet I felt all powerful because I knew how to "help people" not knowing how to take care of myself, and lacked a lot of life and relationship skills. I got my self-worth from the constant validation of being the family therapist. My parents never stood up to my younger sister. When she became out of control and unsafe in her teen years, my parents did nothing to set limits, for fear of her temper tantrums. I had to get angry and say that they needed to do something. Looking back, my parents had a very liaise-fair style of parenting, and I suffered from abuse from a cousin at a young age that I don't think they know about. That cousin is now a heroin addict today, plus many other family related issues.

Then I met the love of my life, who had been through his own family issues and was estranged. He didn't "fit" the family mold of enabling, and we've been the scapegoats ever since. The family conflict and my pleas to be acknowledged have gone ignored. I am mad at them for treating my partner so badly, and they just want to "put it in the past," or act like they did nothing wrong. They are judgmental, yet still so needy of me. When I stand up to them they tell me that I'm acting like I don't love them, and I'm just causing conflict.

Now, when my parents retired, they changed for the worse. My dad, who now I see has been a functioning alcoholic, became moody, irritable, irrational, defensive, and victim-like. It's like he has no filter. My mom seems miserable, yet won't say anything. My dad started acting out in front of extended family, flipping off my sister at a wedding reception when she criticized him. Wading through all the blame and judgment they shovel onto me, I am seeing the problem for what it is. My dad's alcoholism, and my mom's extreme enabling. My boyfriend and I are barely on speaking terms with them, and I'm trying to decide what to do next. The alcoholism hasn't really been addressed in full, I think, before I would try to take the step of an intervention. I am now taking each family event like gathering data, hoping to find opportunities and evidence of their crazy behavior, so they can't just deny or turn it around on me. Thanks for reading this long post, trying to practice healthy approaches and perspectives.
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Eauchiche (11-04-2018)
Old 11-04-2018, 06:14 AM
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Dear Francescha
Thanks for your excellent post. You sound like a very intelligent, thoughtful person. Sometimes people from families like ours go to an early grave from the stress of staying in those sick systems, never having figured out the root of the problem.

I hope you and your partner can detach from your family and move on. You have worked hard to establish a happy life for yourselves.
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Old 11-04-2018, 08:11 AM
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Thank you so much for the validation, yes my life is really wonderful! It's amazing how little you hear that when you have a dysfunctional family. According to them, my life is in ruins I don't think my parents would be happy until I just moved in with them and waited on them hand and foot. I'm learning how to stand up to my family, and while it sucks to get the backlash, it feels so good to put the burden back onto them. Give them back the crap they gave to me, and that I've been carrying around for all these years. I've been handling the abandonment, distancing, and isolation much better, thanks to Alanon. It helps me set boundaries that I didn't have the strength to do before. I'm also able to allow my parents to deal with their own issues themselves, and let my higher power help them with that. I don't need to get involved with that directly. Thanks again for the helpful feedback, it made my day
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Old 11-04-2018, 04:44 PM
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It was suggested to me in one of my threads to read "Codependent No More''. She has a great passage on "detachment".
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