SarahSmiles12

Hi. Nice to meet you all. I'm an adult child in need of grieving now. Can anyone share how grief work is done? What do you do? Just cry? Let it all come up?

Anna

Welcome! I did grief work quite a few years ago, based on the works by John Bradshaw. 'Healing the Shame' by John Bradshaw is the book that helped me so much, but here are more titles you could check out:

Anderson, Robert J. Perfect Daughters
Bey, Deborah Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Black, Claudia It Will Never Happen To Me
Bowden, Julie The Self-Sabotage Syndrome - Adult Children in the Workplace
Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics
Bradshaw, John Healing the Shame
Friel, John Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families
Middleton-Moz, Jane After The Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their
Childhood Trauma
Whitfield, Charles Healing the Child Within
Woititz, Dr. Janet Struggle for Intimacy

SarahSmiles12

Thank you. As for grieving itself - specifically - would you be willing to share how you did it?

Laura3

My problem with grief work is there were so many issues going on in my life I dont know which ones are affecting me now, I dont know where to start. Im not even aware of some things, it just dawns on me one day like oh yeah that wasnt normal either

SarahSmiles12

I hear you on that, Laura. It's complex grief. I'm grieving things from basically my family, and something else that happened with others.

The big stuff I processed already - except the sexual abuse.

I know what order to do things now, what to take care of first. In my case I have some speaking up to do, in two places. Each thing will be handled completely differently. The first will get people around me. the 2nd will get rid of some other people (family).
God wants me to go TO th first crowd and forgive, and get away from the 2nd. ''

Even Jesus said I cannot follow Him unless Ihte my mother, my brother, etc. In my case that's literal! I won't hate them after I speak up, and after I process it I will just be neutral to it, in ACCEPTANCE. That is the goal.

I need a Higher Power for all this stuff. He will be there for all of it,.

Laura3

I am also going through the same thing and have quotedJesus saying the same thing. I dont really talk to my mom at all anymore, trying to make a relationship with someone who honestly doesnt care. I think sometimes she has a personality disorder. My childhood sucked, a lot of neglect, some abuse. Nearly all my adult relationships were just as dysfunctional. I cut myself off most old friends and some new these last few years. I dont have the patience anymore for selfish people, games etc. I want to work on building relationships again with healthy people but i seem to only attract and be attracted to unhealthy people. Getting sober is a first step, at least i can be nicer to people, ive literally slapped people out of my life. Lets hope for better!

SarahSmiles12

I have had to learn to be very selective and also not invite or allow people who've already shown me who they are back into my life. No contact. period. That allows room for new relationships.

Copingwithit

I had to go completely no contact with my family. My whole family (mom, dad, siblings) are active drug/alcohol users. They have disowned me and written me off as a monster, which I am OK with. I spent many years under a bottle feeling sorry for myself because of what I went through. I came out of that hole and spent some time grieving my past and grieving the loss of my family. I am finally at the acceptance phase and have moved on. I can talk about it now without emotion and it doesn't bother me explain what happened. I try to help others by teaching them the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. Not just from a users perspective, but from the family member's perspective. Now, I just pray for them and hope that one day, they too will recover. I still have a battle in front of me in my personal relationship.