Pathwaytofree

I know this forum doesn't get much traffic, but I wasn't sure where else to post this.

I'm having some issues with my AA program right now, and I think my issues go back to being an ACOA. My therapist wants me to work on being more "mentally strong". I think that's fantastic. And it's not a topic you hear about in AA. The only place where the big book mentions it, is where as God's people we don't crawl before anyone and we don't grovel. But that's about making amends.

So I'd love to hear from others how you learned to be mentally strong, as an adult child of an alcoholic. I've always felt a strength inside of me since I was a kid. I know I just have to continue to give myself permission to let it out.

In the past I focused on being physically strong which helped to a point to feel mentally strong, but it wasn't enough. It did help with confidence, though. I used to take kick boxing and it was a good outlet for my 4th step anger.

But now it's time to work more on being mentally strong, like assertiveness, setting boundaries and limits, feeling my feelings, speaking my mind, not taking crap from anyone, and reminding myself that *I* matter, too.

DesertEyes

Yes, we are a very quiet bunch aren't we?

You might check out the "Friends and Family" forums, there's is a lot of discussions there on the subject you mention that might be of interest even if they are not labeled as "ACA". You are most welcome to post there.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

I haven't heard it much either. I have heard of something under the name "Emotional Sobriety", perhaps that is what you are thinking about?

What helped me get a start on that is something called the "Inner Child". It was imposible for me and my ACA issues to just jump in and do all of that. The survival emotions would well up and I'd be a mess. What I did was focus on that little kid I once was and act as if I had that child with me right at the moment. How would I respond if it were that imaginary kid that needed to be assertive.

At first I didn't actually do anything about it, just went thru the possible responses in my mind. I took it very slow and little by little I started to make small improvements. One example, which is kind of silly but it worked for me, was buying groceries. As a child that always entailed a flood of critical comments from my parents that I could not escape from. As an adult I felt all kinds of weird fears and emotions over the whole idea of having to go to a grocery store.

So I made it fun for that little imaginary kid. I took a class in juggling and would juggle stuff while walking down the aisles. Ok, so I did not juggle fruit cuz I really suck at juggling, but it actually became kind of fun for me. I also would buy a toy once a month, as if I had a real child. I started paying more attention to what I was purchasing in order to have healthier meals for that inner child, since I could not do it for myself.

It took me some time, I'm very slow at overcoming these ACA issues, but it did work. Now I have no problem going shopping, other than complaining about the prices

Mike
Moderator, SR

Pathwaytofree

Thanks, Mike! I will post there too. :-)

Emotional Sobriety's a good topic but from what I've heard about it, I think that's more about how we act mature, don't harm others, watch our thinking and reactions, practice love and tolerance for everyone, don't take other people's inventory, be useful and of service to others, etc.,

Someone else here posted about Inner Child work and I want to look into it further. I was never allowed to be the least bit assertive as a kid, and now I deserve to give myself permission to be so. In fact, I am remembering a time right now when I was around 20. I was slightly assertive to my mother when she was talking to me when I was trying to hear someone on an important phone call, and she went into one of the worst verbal rages I remember. She didn't lay a hand on me that time but I remember her shaking so bad trying to not touch me, that she looked like she was convulsing. She may have yanked my hair that time though. Her eyes looked like she wanted to kill me. So yeah assertiveness always equaled danger around her.

Interesting, grocery stores were a bit of a hot button for my mother, too. I sort of had an f-you reaction and in my 20s I bought what I wanted. That wasn't a good idea financially but it was my reaction at the time. When I was growing up, she always had her large piles of addictive foods (she was heavily addicted to sugar and in utter denial over it) but wouldn't buy me (or my father; though rarely) something cheap and simple like a couple of pieces of fruit. That stayed with me for a long time as a kid. Yeah I could've taken my babysitting money eventually to buy my own food but it's the principle of what I'm talking about. How it effected me as a kid emotionally. And no I wasn't being too sensitive. It's about the black and white thinking we're taught that mom and dad are adults and are always right, and you as the kid is wrong when they say so, or stuff's your fault. It's messed up. I grew up thinking I was bad and wasn't good enough for a couple of lousy pieces of fruit. Too sensitive? I think not. It was all the f-cked up messages I got every day.

I love this!!!! So like you were going shopping with your inner child, and listening to what your inner child wanted? It sounds so cool to read about, but I'm rather terrified about connecting with my inner child because of all the pain it'll bring up. I love the idea of caring for your inner child, though, like he deserved to be.

Thank you, Mike. This post made me smile. And yeah I agree about the darn grocery store prices!

Any resources you care to share about where we can read up and learn more about inner child stuff? Thanks again. :-) Next time I buy oranges I'm gonna try to see if I can juggle them!

DesertEyes

One of the most healing things I have found in ACA is that the details of our childhoods are different, but the emotional reactions and impact are the same.

That is another good example. When I became an adult I brought with me the all-or-nothing, black or white attitude I had learned as a child. I could either be super-responsible, or completely not responsible at all. I could either invest myself 100% in something and do it perfectly, or ignore and avoid it and refuse to participate. The whole idea of "balance", of shades of gray, was just not something I understood.

Agree completely. That's the wrong way to raise a child.

Yup. The catch is I had to do it in a "balanced" way, otherwise I'd buy a whole cake instead of something healthy but fun.

You're not supposed to do it all at once. In al-anon they call it "baby steps". You do just a little bit of work a little bit at a time. The general rule is like in Yoga; if it hurts too much then you are doing too much.

I don't know of anything specific to inner child only. There's tons of books and websites but they all cover a wide range of techniques of which the inner child is just one. Start with our links at the top of this forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...nks-acoas.html (Books and links for ACoA's)

You may find additional techniques that might be a little softer and easier than the "inner child". Things like putting stickies on the bathroom mirror that say "You are a good person, not who your parents said you are.", "You are not a defective character, you have character defects.", "You are recovering from childhood brainwashing." I put up a different one each week and repeat it over and over to myself all day long.

lol ! If I may suggest grapes They're not as expensive when you drop them and get mushed. Seriously now, small packages of paper napkins are the best. They spin when you throw them up and they don't bust open when you drop one

Mike

Pathwaytofree

That is a profound statement. Do you go to ACOA meetings?

Finding balance, or shades of gray in many areas of my life has been one of my deepest struggles as an ACOA.

Thank you for saying that. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of AA-isms blaming me for being too sensitive, when it's obvious to me that I had a very sick mother who had no idea how to treat or raise children.

I don't know how common food issues are in ACOAs, but I've had food issues my entire life. "Balance" just wasn't a word I grew up with or was modeled for me.

Thanks! I missed the obvious. ;-)

I LOVE THIS IDEA!!!

You're gonna make my food shopping fun now!! :-)

Thanks, Mike! :-)

DesertEyes

I go intermitently. Haven't been able to the last year or so due to health issues.

That is why there are separate programs. Different issues require different approaches. I go to AA cuz I don't want to forget that booze and drugs are not the solution to my problems. I go to al-anon / ACA so that I can find the correct solutions to my problems.

What is very common in adult children is "self medication". Which chemical happens to do the job depends on genetics and biology. For some it is alcohol, for others it is sugar, or even sex.

It's called "self affirmation". There's dozens of such techniques in the many books on self-help. It's just a matter of picking a few that fit you.

Mike

Pathwaytofree

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like they helped you in the past. My first 12 step experience was ACA but at the time it was too painful because I wasn't ready to face the truth.

That is a good point. My AA home group frowns upon Al-anon (or ACA) because they think it makes the drinkers out to be the bad person. They also think all we need is AA and not those groups. I see now that was a mistake that I listened to them. I've changed home groups of AA and I will now start looking for a strong Alanon/ACA group.

I definitely see how I self medicated because I had no coping skills and wasn't allowed to have any of my own feelings or my own pain. Hopefully I can find a good Al-anon/ACA meeting that focuses on coping mechanisms.

Thanks, Mike! I will look this up! :-)

tromboneliness

They need to go to an Al-Anon meeting and see what it's really like. They might be disappointed to find out that we don't spend the whole meeting talking about them! Some of us even have actual lives of our own... who knew?

T

Pathwaytofree

Yeah, I wondered about that.

Maybe they went to bad meetings where everyone just b*tched. I'm sure like anything there are good and bad ones.

I have heard that Al-anon teaches to "detach with love" which is healthier than enabling your loved one and being brought down with the person. Easier said than done, though.