Hope1111

Where to start, the majority of my memories of my father were of glazed over eyes, hurtful "jokes" and also a sexual molestation. Fast forward to 4 years ago when I met my now husband.

There were a number of occasions where he over drank to the point of stumbling, slurred speech and didn't know when to stop. I stupidly ignored all of these red flags, I was in love. I still love the sober him , lost somewhere inside. He struggles with severe anxiety, depression and low self esteem. A few days ago I finally shared how I was truly feeling inside. That I wanted to scream and run away anytime he is like this. Tonight I tried to offer solutions of what he might explore to make him happy instead. He was defensive and aggressive and seemed to think that nothing in the world can help, not psychologists , not " fun" activities. Nothing. I'm so hurt and mentally exhausted . He is pissed and feeling trapped. - help

tromboneliness

This is really hard -- but he's right. We tend to think that if our spouse is unhappy (read: drunk), we can do something about it. But this is an illusion -- we are not driving them to drink, and by the same token, we can't make them stop.

As a very wise member of one of my Al-Anon groups used to say, "Happiness is an inside job." This means we can't make a person happy (or make them give up booze). But the flip side is that we can stop trying, because it's out of our hands. We don't have to worry that every little thing we do is going to set them off, because that's not what's happening, even if we think it is. They are not drinking because of us! This realization is liberating, because it means we can release the burden of being "perfect enough that they won't need to drink."

Look for an Al-Anon meeting in your area -- you can find them on the Web. You don't have to say anything, at the meeting -- you can just sit and listen if you want. Good luck!

T

Eauchiche

Dear Hope
You have already gained important insight that shows you similarities between your father and your husband. We tend to be attracted to mates that feel familiar to the way we grew up. This insight is a part of our own recovery.

I used to feel like you, that my ex was basically good inside but the alcohol was to blame for our troubles. However, alcohol, as they say in AA, is just a symptom of a spiritual problem. When a person is an alcoholic, they can treat the condition one of two ways: 1. They can drink. 2. They can join AA and work the program.

Our recovery consists of getting over trying to "fix" them, and being affected by their disease.

Do what you need to do for YOU.

biminiblue

Well...I'm from the alcoholics' side and I also fell into codependency in my twenties. "Double Winner," as they say. Alcoholism in my family.

I didn't "follow" AA or Al Anon or work their program per se, but I feel I've recovered from both. If you read around the alcoholism side, there are many paths to sobriety and AA isn't the only one. However, I do agree with you that some ongoing work needs to be done - for all of us. What that looks like is highly individual.

Hope1111 - I hope for you that you will find a way to get some time away from him, whether that's a day with your friends, a week at a hotel, or a permanent break. Your husband has to want to be sober and right now he doesn't seem to want that. Depression, anxiety and low self-esteem are all exacerbated (or even caused) by alcohol, but it's futile for you to try to fix that.

Stick around and keep reading. Welcome to the site.

FeelingGreat

Hi Hope. I've experience as a problem drinker, now sober, and trying to help someone stop drinking. Here's a hint - I was only successful in fixing myself.

Hard as it seems, you will benefit from stepping back from your AH when he's like this. It's not clear from your post whether that's all the time, most of the time or occasionally. Throwing suggestions at him is futile, as you've found. Do you have any ability to get away from him? It could be within the house, or maybe outside it.

It's clear that these episodes are having a detrimental effect on you, and stepping away, if you can, might give your AH some space to think for himself. You might even want to set an example by attending Al-anon.

Look after yourself. You are worth it.

D122y

Hope,

My wife would avoid me when I was drunk.

She and my son taught me what sober people do during their waking hours....basically, fiddle with stuff around the house until bed time.

She would ask me...why do you have to drink all the time. I would tell her....I was addicted to it.

The guilt trip didn't stop me.

It took a few mental/physical break downs to scare myself straight.

I tried hard for 80 days to sober up. The mental damage was deep. I Googled...how long to feel normal after quitting drinking...I found sr.

I learned it takes years to normalize. Most of us never make it out. The mental damage is chronic. We will crave for life.

Knowing this, mixed with the desire to be well, SR, and the internet have gotten me this clean.

Education was key for me.

I know you love your hubby....maybe feed him some info...when he is sober.

Thanks.