handov123

I started a graduate degree program this year. I've been meeting new friends, trying to focus on my life, and ignoring any and all of my issues... This past month I have realized that this isn't sustainable and I realized I needed somewhere to go or someone to talk to. That led me here.

My mom passed away about two months before I moved to my new school (in June). We hadn't really been on speaking terms for the last year or so. Hopefully you all don't mind me attempting to start at the beginning.

Growing up my mom definitely had alcohol issues. Or rather she had mental issues that she self medicated with booze and pills. It's the reason my dad left and, though she was somewhat functional through my younger years, there were still a lot of issues at home. I cannot even begin to count the number of nights I woke up to screaming fights between her and her boyfriend, smashed furniture, and my mom trying to come into my room to wake me up. I never, ever felt safe growing up. By the time I was a teenager she had really stopped even trying. She missed work constantly, drank nonstop (any time we got into a car she had a drink, any event, any family outing). I moved out of state for college and she immediately lost her job. It was almost like her sobriety was tied to how much I relied on her. The second I became completely self-sufficient, she went completely off the rails. We stayed in touch some in college but after I graduated she was evicted from my childhood home, lost another job, and started getting in trouble with the law. I finally realized she was just toxic to my life and I needed space. She became this person I just did not recognize. The flashes of her old personality became more and more infrequent. The only thing she ever called for was help- money, bailing her out of jail, accusing me of being a horrible child and not caring about her. She never asked questions about my life. She knew almost nothing about me. She had transformed into this full blown alcoholic narcissist.

Flash forward to this past year. I was starting to get ready for this next step in my life and she started to call more and more. She claimed she had been raped and robbed (she made up a lot of insane stories so I have no clue if this was true) and then claimed she was dying and only had two years to live. I spoke with her one last time about a month before she passed away. I didn't take the call seriously. She was extremely intoxicated and manic (she also suffered from bipolar and depression) and our conversation ended with her slamming the phone down when I suggested she sober up and call me back. I got a call from my cousin about a month later that she was in a coma in the hospital. She had a stroke induced by cirrhosis of the liver. All of her organs were failing. I had to make the call to end life support a week and a half later.

I've been pretty distant about the entire thing since June when this happened. I had so much going on and just didn't have the mental capacity to deal with everything I was feeling. However, this month I seem to be breaking down a lot. I find myself dealing with my emotions the same way she did- drinking and bingeing and releasing all of my anger and sadness when I do. I don't ever want to be like her so this has left me scared and unsure how to move forward. I was hoping maybe someone in this forum had dealt with the same or had advice on how to deal with all of this guilt, anger, sadness, grief and at the same time, strange relief.

Thanks for taking the time to listen.

MariahGayle

Sorry for your loss hadov & glad you posted here. You will find much support from many here. Be kind to yourself.

Maudcat

Welcome, handov.
Very sorry for your loss.
Physicians and researchers are finding more and more connections between mental conditions, like bi polar and depression and alcohol and/or substance use.
Hard to grow up with that.
I hope you have supportive friends or family?

Josie321

Handov, really sorry for your loss.

Although not exactly the same, parts of your childhood brought back bad memories of my own . My mum who spent most of her life either drugged up on prescribed meds or alcohol. Long story for another time. But today I feel guilt for things I have said/done even though I don't think that guilt was mine to carry. The only thing I would say is, try not to feel guilt. You have done nothing wrong, you are not to blame for anything that has happened. You were the innocent party in this. If you were at times distant with your mum it was because you didn't want to be hurt again, it's natural to want to distance yourself. If it had been anyone else apart from your mum, would you have been so caught up in it emotionally? Probably not.

I think maybe by letting go of that heavy, heavy burden of guilt, will allow you some breathing space and a chance to heal. Don't carry something so heavy that it prevents you from being happy and healthy. No one is expecting you to.

Its time to start looking after YOU, ok.

Its good you are posting here, there are some good listeners (readers) here.

handov123

Sadly I am not close to many in my family. A lot of that is due to my mom being so unstable for so long. My family members still dealt with her and tried to keep their distance as well. It ended up just creating a lot of rifts within our entire family. I have a close group of friends but I don't currently live in the same city as them since I moved for my graduate degree. It definitely makes things tougher being this far from the people who usually understand what I am going through. I think it has caused me to be much more quiet about what I am going through in the last few months than usual.