Dcrn

New here; trying to sum up a lifetime in Reader's Digest fashion. My father was an alcoholic who became sober in 2001out of medical necessity not by choice. He died in 2008; I forgave him on his deathbed. My mother was the enabler. When I was 15 I begged her to divorce him, ultimately giving her an ultimatum; I lost. I moved in with my maternal gma and never returned home.

Fast fwd several years, I get married, have children... thankfully my children only remember my dad as a sober man. My husband starts drinking heavily after a fatality involved traffic accident in 2003. After many years of struggling, he became sober in 2009. So now my dad is dead, my husband is sober and my brother moves back to town. And guess what? He's an alcoholic. His wife leaves him with their twins and the three of them move into my mom's basement. My brother is a good dad, his drinking waxes and wanes and life moves along without skipping a beat.

August 2017- my brother's wife takes the kids (1st time she's ever been their primary caretaker) and moves out of state. He lets them go. My mom won't involve herself in the situation. I'm furious. We have a huge blowout, I tell her my brother is an alcoholic.... and she..... she starts making excuses for him. "you don't understand", "you have no idea", blah, blah, blah. She misses my birthday, my daughter's birthday and has basically become someone I used to know; when I was 14-15.

I'm a smart, intuitive, educated woman. But in all of my years, I truly believed the only thing I took away from my dad (and that whole life of ****) was that I KNEW that I would make a world-class alcoholic. I knew that I could drink for four days in a row but on day #5, should I happen to have a drink, that would be the beginning of the end. I know I have addictive behaviors. I fight to recognize and deny them every day. Ya know what I didn't know?

Browsing through Facebook one day an acquaintance had posted a link to 10 Things You Should Know About Adult Children of Alcoholics. I clicked it. And there, in that article amongst those words, I found me. Every single personality flaw that I've spent years trying to either fix or ignore was listed. And for the first time in my life, I didn't feel like something was inherently wrong with me.... some days, I wish I'd have never read it. That I'd have gone along assuming my soul was just ****** up.... I don't believe in blaming others for your shortcomings or flaws or whatever. But I truly didn't know what I didn't know. And I now find myself stuck inside of some weird hypocrisy merry go round that I can't get off of. I didn't do this (my control issues that I've worked upside down and sideways to get past & my self loathing.... and, and, and....).

So now here I am. My mom and I aren't speaking, mainly bc she doesn't want to hear anymore about my brother from me.... I had a huge epiphany Sunday night that I've had something all wrong for a while. I thought my mom lived in fear of my niece and nephew being kept from her should she confront their mother (or my brother for that matter).... but that was never it. She can't lose the relationship she's most familiar with; addict/enabler. And again, I'm back to feeling like the teenager who is disposable. The feeling i revert back to with any sort of rejection.... (and FYI, I don't play the victim role in my real life. Ever.). But in my head, in my heart and especially in the pit of my gut- I'm disposable.

One of my kids told me tonight (they know my mom and I are on the outs but no specifics as listed here... and they're adults in their mid-twenties) that if something should happen bc of this rift, I'll feel bad. Essentially saying if my brother should become depressed bc I'm pushing thr envelope with my mom- and he harms himself (no history of suicidal threats, ideations, etc) I will feel badly.

And I'm left here with the 'holycrapimnewtothisandnotsureimreadytomakenice' feelings yet guilt has me doubting every single emotion I have. I'm angry with my mother. Angry. And my brother? Eh.... ambivalence has already set in....

If you've made it to here, bless you. I'm lost and broken- and just recently realized it.

tromboneliness

Whew -- some of that sounds pretty familiar! You've come to the right place; lots of people who have had similar family experiences. My story is long, but a lot of what's going on now has to do with anger with my father (who died in 2010), and all sorts of family issues, and so on. I don't have much contact with most of my family anymore -- I haven't said anything much, I just don't call them (or otherwise get in touch via social media and whatever).

Have you ever gone to Al-Anon or ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)? You can find meeting listings online -- when you go to a meeting of either group, you start telling your story, and heads nod all around the room, because the others know what you're talking about! Good luck!

T

Eauchiche

Dear Dcrn
You are spot on about your Mom and her need to be involved with the addict.
There is a school of thought that believes that Codependency is at the root of all other addiction. I think this could be true. I know my own recovery from Codependency is, at times arduous, and lifelong.

I can say that at this point in my recovery, I no longer ignore red flags. I have had to go "no contact" with most members of my family of origin. As a result, I have to deal with very little drama from others.

I am involved with the Healing and Deliverance ministry at our church and sometimes end up in ministry situations with addicts or people with mental/emotional illnesses. They usually have no boundaries, so I create personal boundaries for them, then adhere to them rigorously. For instance, I will agree to meet someone in public on a particular day between the hours of --- and ---. One fellow started a contest about where and when we would meet, so we communicate discreetly via texts. I limit the number of texts I get involved in.

I know I might sound rigid and harsh. Those who know me do not see me thus. I HAVE to live this way to avoid getting sucked back into a toxic relationship with someone.

Congratulations to you that you have spotted the problems with your own family of origin. The choice is yours to make now, as to how involved you can be with them.

Dcrn

Thank you both for replying. I gave up sugar 10 days ago (but who's counting?) & it has helped my anxiety and overwhelming feelings of anger. My mom talked to both of my kids this past week indicating she would be spending Christmas with my family on Monday.... I learned of this from them. I was also told that my brother was out of state picking his children up from their mother (which explained why my mom was available for a holiday with us). Today my husband and I were out shopping & I received a text from my mom asking me to pick up a couple of things for my niece and nephew... total trigger. All of my subsided anger and anxiety returned full force. I am dreading Monday. I know I have to limit my contact with her and I know I have to tell her why first- but damn- first I have to make it through Christmas. And the fact that I'm now wanting to fast forward right past it just pisses me off. She has had little to no contact with me for eight months and now she is front and center and turning my world upside down.... whew.

In other news- I've collaborated with the woman I spoke of in my initial post who first introduced me to the notion of adult children of alcoholics.... we're going to start a local group after the first of the year. I can't burden my husband with my crazy thoughts daily.... I do believe in healing in numbers. Thank you all for being here on the other end of my keyboard.

tromboneliness

Oooh, I used to hate that when my parents would barge in without asking.

How'd it go? I hope you're at least able to boot them the h3ll out of your house and not let them stay all week!

T

D122y

Drcn,

I relate from both sides of your story.

I am clean now and dealing w life's frustrating times causes stress I used to self medicate to quell.

No advice from me. As a person that doesn't drink any more, I obsess and generate worry.

My strategy is to come up w a way to think like this...I am awesome, smart, kind etc.

Others see me their way. That might be below average, evil, mean etc.

I choose to believe in me and spend as much energy as required to stay that course. I forgive those that I perceive feel negative towards me.

I forgive and forget. I don't seek out those negative people though. I deal w them when I need to.

I seek out people that love me for me. They make may day,

Thanks.

Maudcat

Hi, Dcrn.
Welcome to SR.
My alcohol addicted sib lives with my mother, has for years.
They have a co dependent relationship to which I am the unwilling spectator at times, as I am my mom’s caregiver.
My sib has always been my parents’ focus because he has always been troubled. My father died about 10 years ago, so it’s just my sib and my mom.
It’s hard to observe their back and forth and not get pulled in to the petty drama.
I confess that while my mantra is “Not my circus, not my monkeys” I am not always successful at rising above.
I see no end to this until one of them dies, and at this point, I am not sure who will go first, my 92 year old mother who is relatively healthy, or my 62 year old brother, who has neurological damage and a host of health issues due to his lifelong over consumption of alcohol.
I know how you feel, always being made to feel that you are less than.
You are not.
Al-Anon has helped me deal with my resentment, though that never really goes away for me.
The holidays bring emotions and memories of the past, and some of it ain’t good.
Good thoughts.

Dcrn

Thank you all for replying. For the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm the only one living this kind of life. It has been such a secret (though in a town like Mayberry, that's a delusion.... everyone knows) & talking about it openly has been incredibly foreign to me yet more freeing than I could have imagined.

The holidays came and went. Full of silence and awkwardness and gut wrenching anger I pushed way down deep.... but of all of the unwelcomed discoveries I've made and all of the uninvited memories that have been brought front and center, none of them compares or prepared me for the one that snuck up on me tonight and sucker punched me with the greatest might.

My brother drove his kids back to TX (a 13+ hour drive) this past Saturday. He split it up into two days to take t easy on the kids.... but miraculous made it back home by Sunday night.... so he could go to the bar. I've since learned he drove impaired for most of his return trip....

The gut piercing memory it triggered? Obsessing and worrying to a degree that's not adequately described by mere words that he's going to kill someone. I lived with this paralyzing fear for my entire childhood, terrified that we ( my family) would have to leave Mayberry when it happened. When my dad became sober, that fear stopped.... yet today, in all of its fury and glory that phobia is back in full force and I'm again terrified and feel every single twinge deep into my soul. I had truly forgotten how THIS felt. Forget my own identity issues of being disposable; THIS is the feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy..... and for the first time in weeks- the tears flowed and pain in the pit of my gut doubled me over. I can't live this life AGAIN. I can't- and I won't..... but getting from A to B is overwhelming as well.

Apologies for the rambling- this is my outlet even if no one ever reads it.... and I've needed this outlet for a very long time.

tromboneliness

We read it -- you're being heard!

I remember the drunk driving -- my sister and I would get terrified when we had no choice but to ride in the car with my Dad when he was drunk. We'd huddle as far back as we could get in the station wagon, and my sister would keep observing how "foggy" it was out there, in the hope that he might slow down. In my adult life, I got more annoyed when he smashed up cars I liked, such as the VW Karmann Ghia I took my license test in, the '72 Celica I had used a lot, and -- the worst of all -- the '66 Series I E-Type Jag. The hazard of killing someone is bad enough -- but wadding up a classic sports car like that, is unforgivable! He's been gone 7 years (my Mom just over 9), and I'm still processing some anger issues -- I changed my middle name so it's not my Dad's name anymore... the pretext being that I changed it to my wife's middle name so we'd match. Plausible enough, but it was partly a last eff-you to my Dad.

Anyhow, this place is a good outlet, if you don't have a better one! Just to repeat myself, though, if you can find an Al-Anon meeting, that's also a great outlet. Say things like the above, and heads start nodding all around the room, because the people have been through a lot of the same stuff, and they get it....

T

Dcrn

It feels good to be heard. Thank you. As scared as I am to do it... I'll find that meeting.

wiseheart

Dcrn, thank you for this thread. I just discovered this ACOA forum and am so glad that I did. There are so many elements of your story that resonated with me. My father was a violent, abusive alcoholic who took his rage out on my mother and brother. I was spared his abuse (at least directly), but not my mother's. She was not an alcoholic, but she was unpredictable and would fly into abusive rages toward my brother and me. We spent our entire childhoods tiptoeing on egg shells, never knowing when chaos would break out.

Flash forward a few decades and I am now in my late 40s, just beginning to unravel the reality of our childhood and really seeing things as they were. Started therapy last year and began taking inventory of everything in my life that wasn't working anymore. After abusing alcohol for 30 years, I had my last drink about 80 days ago. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am building a life that I can love.

I didn't meant to go on. I wanted to let you know that your post connected with me. I so relate to all the complex feelings that you have toward your parents and brother. I am working through them myself.

Did you ever find a meeting to help you work through some of this?

Sending you hugs.

Dcrn

I appreciate your reply. I've gone through most of my life feeling like I just didn't fit anywhere. This new road I'm on has led me to more people with open hearts and like minds than I had encountered ever in my life up to this point. And it's funny; as I type this I'm suddenly reminded of every friendship I've had. Until the last few months, every friendship I've had with females has either failed or taken more effort than I was willing to invest- all of my best friends have been men. I now realize it's the trust issue. I know what I can expect from men (& from childhood my expectations were always very low) so they never let me down. The woman in my life who I counted on for basic love and nurturing let me fall; not just once but repeatedly. For the first time ever, I am building a friendship with an incredible woman that I met only a few months ago but we have formed a bond of love and trust like I have never known.... and it's one of the most open and honest relationships I have. The others? I can count on one hand and they are all men (my husband being one of them).

I haven't found a meeting yet (nearest one is 80 miles away at a time that doesn't work).... but I speak openly about this situation with several people. That practice alone has been liberating; I've never felt able to break my silence until now. A coworker and I are doing some leg work to start a local meeting- first step is trying to gauge interest.

And as you said.... some people's post just resonate, like I could have written their words myself. I think this is how we start to heal. We see that there are others out there with us; not just our own reflections in the mirror.

And I'm proud of your 80 days. That is important and significant !

wiseheart

Yes, I know that feeling well… of not belonging anywhere. I’ve spent my entire life searching for clues about what “normal” is: what a normal childhood looks like, normal parents, normal feelings, normal reactions, normal relationships, etc. It is exhausting. Even now, I feel uneasy and uncomfortable in situations that are too “perfect.”

That is really interesting about your experience with female friendships. I can understand though. My trust issues went the other way (with men) and all of my close friendships have been with women. Even so, real emotional intimacy has been a challenge for me. It is one of the things that I have really worked on this past year.

It is wonderful that you are cultivating relationships that provide you with the love and support that you deserve. I am there with you. I have met some really wonderful people this past year. The more honest and vulnerable I am, the deeper my relationships become. It’s nice how that works.

Right now, I am dealing with a lot of uncertainty and transition in my life, but in a strange way, I feel stronger and more solid than I ever have. All of the coping strategies that I developed as a child to survive (hypervigilance, shutting down, running away, numbing feelings)… well, it turns out that they don’t work so well when you become an adult. Last year, after I quit yet another job and ended yet another relationship, I decided it was time to really look at this stuff. This work is not for wimps. Early on, there were days when I was so exhausted that I needed to take a nap. Unearthing 40+ years of buried emotions and memories takes a toll. But, so worth it.

That is really exciting about the group that you and your co-worker are planning to start. What a great thing to do. I hope to hear more about it as it develops. I know how grateful I am for this place. As much as people love and care for me, it is hard for them to understand. It feels really lonely at times.

And thank you for the support on the sober days. It is nice to see the days adding up. ☺