Addict Dad and Enabler Mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
Addict Dad and Enabler Mom
Sorry this is so long...
Growing up my father was an active alcoholic and a miserable person to live with and was abusive. My mother has always been an enabler and never learned how to deal with the misery my father brought to the family, so she would take her anger and frustration out on me. She is deeply religious and would never consider divorce, so my childhood was hell.
Starting from age 12 until I was 21, my dad went in and out of treatment centers on a regular basis. Every time he started drinking again, I would tell my Mom and she would get angry with me. She would accuse me of starting trouble and being a drama queen. She would say, “Your father would never start drinking again, he knows what is at stake if he starts.” Even as a child I knew there was nothing at stake for him, because my mom never once followed through on her threats.
Typically, a day or two after she would accusing me of lying about my dad’s drinking, she would find a bottle or two hidden away, and the cycle of anger, abuse, threats, and embarrassing events of public drunkenness would begin again.
When I was 15, about 9 months into a sober period, my Dad suddenly pulled me out of school for a surprise trip to Mexico for a week of scuba diving. I had become very resentful and wary of him, and I knew this was just an attempt to buy my love, but what kid wouldn’t want to go to Mexico for a week in the middle of winter? The first few days of the trip were great. About 3 days into the trip, we went to a festival being held in the middle of town one night. We were watching some dancers and musicians when he said he was going to go buy a cigar and he’d meet me back at the hotel. I didn’t see him again for 4 days. He showed up the night before we were supposed to fly home, drunk. I never did find out where he went for those 4 days. The day after he disappeared, I called my Mom. I was scared and felt helpless – Mexico isn’t exactly the best place for an unaccompanied teen girl with no money. My Mom was concerned and called me every day, but she said it was too expensive to change my ticket and she couldn’t come get me because she didn’t want to miss work and a last minute ticket for her was too much.
After that I vowed I would never trust my father again. When I was 20, my Dad had his longest sober streak, over a year, when he went overseas for a 3 week work trip. My 21st birthday was in the middle of his trip and I was surprised when my Mom asked if he had called to wish me a happy birthday. I told her I had not expected him to, but I could tell she was worried. She admitted she hadn’t heard from him at all since he left, but maybe he was just too busy to call. I knew immediately he had fallen off the wagon again and told her so, but she wouldn’t believe me. Another week passed and she finally called his office only to find out he had gotten drunk on his trip and slept through an important meeting. He was fired on the spot and had been sent home 2 weeks earlier. We found out through credit card charges he was staying at a hotel 5 miles from home and when my mom showed up at the hotel, he admitted he was trying to drink himself to death. He finally admitted he had a problem, and started a long road to true sobriety.
Over the past 22 years my dad and I have worked hard to mend our relationship and over the past 10 years we have actually become incredibly close. We have traveled all over the world together and every year he joins me and my family for week long family vacation. Over the past six months or so, I’ve noticed a difference in my dad when I would speak with him on the phone: mumbling, repeating himself, sounding confused. I mentioned this to my mother a few times who would become defensive and assure me he wasn’t drinking, it was just old age (she did admit he seemed to have balance issues and fell a lot). At one point I asked her about prescription drugs (when he was drink he would also doctor shop for pain meds), but she assured me everything was fine and I was just being dramatic.
A couple of weeks ago, the day before our annual vacation with my father and a few hours before I was to pick him up at our local airport, my mother called me to say she had just dropped him off at the airport but she needed to let me know she had found some hidden pain killers and they had a confrontation. She told me she gave him an ultimatum, but wanted to get him out of the house and he was my problem now.
When I picked him up at the airport he was swaying, glassy-eyed, slurring, and fell twice. Clearly under the influence of some drug. Later I discovered he had cyclobenzaprine, clonazepam, lorazepam, Xanax, and hydrocodone. He also asked me if I would call my doctor to get some kind of pain killer (I recently had knee surgery). I immediately cancelled our family vacation, tried to call his doctor and his therapist, called my mom to tell her how dangerous these drugs are, especially if he uses them together. I begged him for days to go to therapy, sent him to meetings, went to meetings with him and did everything I could to get him to realize he had relapsed. Nothing worked. After a week, I sent him back home. My mom was so angry with me. Called me inconsiderate and said she had been dealing with this for 40 years – why couldn’t I keep him longer? Then I didn’t hear anything from them for about a week. Today my mom called and was chatting like nothing happened. After I asked she was dismissive and said, “Oh, everything is fine. He was just stressed out. He went and saw his doctor and got a different prescription.”
The past two weeks have been horrible for me. Dealing with an addict father is something I thought I wouldn’t have to do again. I haven’t been sleeping, I’m physically in pain, my husband is upset that I exposed our child to the situation, and all of the childhood memories that I had worked so hard to suppress over the past twenty years have flooded back leaving me raw, angry, and sad.
I want to just cut them both off, be done with them forever. They love my child and it would crush them to be cut off but emotionally, I can’t do it anymore.
Growing up my father was an active alcoholic and a miserable person to live with and was abusive. My mother has always been an enabler and never learned how to deal with the misery my father brought to the family, so she would take her anger and frustration out on me. She is deeply religious and would never consider divorce, so my childhood was hell.
Starting from age 12 until I was 21, my dad went in and out of treatment centers on a regular basis. Every time he started drinking again, I would tell my Mom and she would get angry with me. She would accuse me of starting trouble and being a drama queen. She would say, “Your father would never start drinking again, he knows what is at stake if he starts.” Even as a child I knew there was nothing at stake for him, because my mom never once followed through on her threats.
Typically, a day or two after she would accusing me of lying about my dad’s drinking, she would find a bottle or two hidden away, and the cycle of anger, abuse, threats, and embarrassing events of public drunkenness would begin again.
When I was 15, about 9 months into a sober period, my Dad suddenly pulled me out of school for a surprise trip to Mexico for a week of scuba diving. I had become very resentful and wary of him, and I knew this was just an attempt to buy my love, but what kid wouldn’t want to go to Mexico for a week in the middle of winter? The first few days of the trip were great. About 3 days into the trip, we went to a festival being held in the middle of town one night. We were watching some dancers and musicians when he said he was going to go buy a cigar and he’d meet me back at the hotel. I didn’t see him again for 4 days. He showed up the night before we were supposed to fly home, drunk. I never did find out where he went for those 4 days. The day after he disappeared, I called my Mom. I was scared and felt helpless – Mexico isn’t exactly the best place for an unaccompanied teen girl with no money. My Mom was concerned and called me every day, but she said it was too expensive to change my ticket and she couldn’t come get me because she didn’t want to miss work and a last minute ticket for her was too much.
After that I vowed I would never trust my father again. When I was 20, my Dad had his longest sober streak, over a year, when he went overseas for a 3 week work trip. My 21st birthday was in the middle of his trip and I was surprised when my Mom asked if he had called to wish me a happy birthday. I told her I had not expected him to, but I could tell she was worried. She admitted she hadn’t heard from him at all since he left, but maybe he was just too busy to call. I knew immediately he had fallen off the wagon again and told her so, but she wouldn’t believe me. Another week passed and she finally called his office only to find out he had gotten drunk on his trip and slept through an important meeting. He was fired on the spot and had been sent home 2 weeks earlier. We found out through credit card charges he was staying at a hotel 5 miles from home and when my mom showed up at the hotel, he admitted he was trying to drink himself to death. He finally admitted he had a problem, and started a long road to true sobriety.
Over the past 22 years my dad and I have worked hard to mend our relationship and over the past 10 years we have actually become incredibly close. We have traveled all over the world together and every year he joins me and my family for week long family vacation. Over the past six months or so, I’ve noticed a difference in my dad when I would speak with him on the phone: mumbling, repeating himself, sounding confused. I mentioned this to my mother a few times who would become defensive and assure me he wasn’t drinking, it was just old age (she did admit he seemed to have balance issues and fell a lot). At one point I asked her about prescription drugs (when he was drink he would also doctor shop for pain meds), but she assured me everything was fine and I was just being dramatic.
A couple of weeks ago, the day before our annual vacation with my father and a few hours before I was to pick him up at our local airport, my mother called me to say she had just dropped him off at the airport but she needed to let me know she had found some hidden pain killers and they had a confrontation. She told me she gave him an ultimatum, but wanted to get him out of the house and he was my problem now.
When I picked him up at the airport he was swaying, glassy-eyed, slurring, and fell twice. Clearly under the influence of some drug. Later I discovered he had cyclobenzaprine, clonazepam, lorazepam, Xanax, and hydrocodone. He also asked me if I would call my doctor to get some kind of pain killer (I recently had knee surgery). I immediately cancelled our family vacation, tried to call his doctor and his therapist, called my mom to tell her how dangerous these drugs are, especially if he uses them together. I begged him for days to go to therapy, sent him to meetings, went to meetings with him and did everything I could to get him to realize he had relapsed. Nothing worked. After a week, I sent him back home. My mom was so angry with me. Called me inconsiderate and said she had been dealing with this for 40 years – why couldn’t I keep him longer? Then I didn’t hear anything from them for about a week. Today my mom called and was chatting like nothing happened. After I asked she was dismissive and said, “Oh, everything is fine. He was just stressed out. He went and saw his doctor and got a different prescription.”
The past two weeks have been horrible for me. Dealing with an addict father is something I thought I wouldn’t have to do again. I haven’t been sleeping, I’m physically in pain, my husband is upset that I exposed our child to the situation, and all of the childhood memories that I had worked so hard to suppress over the past twenty years have flooded back leaving me raw, angry, and sad.
I want to just cut them both off, be done with them forever. They love my child and it would crush them to be cut off but emotionally, I can’t do it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Unresolved.
Welcome to SR.
Sounds like you have a lot going on with your parents, both of them, right now.
Take a breath.
Sometimes our parents are excellent examples of how not to be.
Do you have support in working this situation out? Al-Anon? Therapy, maybe?
Maybe it's as simple as limiting contact with your parents for a while.
You can't fix your father, unfortunately, or your mother.
They have made their choices and must walk their paths.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome to SR.
Sounds like you have a lot going on with your parents, both of them, right now.
Take a breath.
Sometimes our parents are excellent examples of how not to be.
Do you have support in working this situation out? Al-Anon? Therapy, maybe?
Maybe it's as simple as limiting contact with your parents for a while.
You can't fix your father, unfortunately, or your mother.
They have made their choices and must walk their paths.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sending you a big hug and a welcome to SR.
One thing that stands out to me is your mother telling you your father is your responsibility now? No, no he is not. Nor is he her responsibility. I understand no one wants to see their family crash and burn, however, this is giving you actual physical symptoms.
Maybe it would be wise to take a break from both of them for a while?
Gentle hugs.
One thing that stands out to me is your mother telling you your father is your responsibility now? No, no he is not. Nor is he her responsibility. I understand no one wants to see their family crash and burn, however, this is giving you actual physical symptoms.
Maybe it would be wise to take a break from both of them for a while?
Gentle hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
IMHO your parents are using and abusing you and
have been all your life.
Everyone has limits, some call them boundaries. They
are for your protection and self preservation. Your
moral obligations are to your husband and children,
not your toxic dysfunctional parents. That you feel
you can't do it anymore is a true blessing. Act on it,
get counseling to help work through unresolved
issues from your childhood (repressing doesn't work)
but it's time to put your needs first, whatever it takes.
I agree with other posts,
Al anon, AA, ACOA meetings could all be very helpful.
Hugs to you and I'm sorry you are going through this.
have been all your life.
Everyone has limits, some call them boundaries. They
are for your protection and self preservation. Your
moral obligations are to your husband and children,
not your toxic dysfunctional parents. That you feel
you can't do it anymore is a true blessing. Act on it,
get counseling to help work through unresolved
issues from your childhood (repressing doesn't work)
but it's time to put your needs first, whatever it takes.
I agree with other posts,
Al anon, AA, ACOA meetings could all be very helpful.
Hugs to you and I'm sorry you are going through this.
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