Basicallynone

First off let me say how much this site has helped me. I first came here for my depression and hopelessness. I was so blessed to Find ACOA. For the first time I don’t feel crazy! I have a lot of work to do but I finally feel worth it
Without getting in to to much history, I went NC with my alcoholic dad around 8 years ago. He is functioning alcoholic. So everything looks good but really wasn’t. My dad remarried to a head case. They put me in the middle of their marriage blaming me for everything. Now I really see it was his drinking. I exposed him once to family members and he turned on me. His wife hates me. Instead of working things out ,He kicked me out. Then Wanted to have a secret type relationship with me. Like oh my wife is gone, come over and visit. When her kids can come and go as they please. F THAT!
I lived like that for a few years trying to please him and stuffing my feeling deep down. Until I couldn’t anymore. Changed my number and moved 50 miles away. I cut all ties with him and extended family.
just last month I felt like maybe I wanted to talk with him again. At the least to let go of some stuff. Stop romanticizing our relationship. I got the nerve to text him and he was very happy! It felt good but also very scary. He told me he had been sober for years now. Im not sure if he is being honest or not. I have discovered he’s a ACOA too. So that makes me a little sympathetic.
But he’s doing the same things. He invited me over bc his wife was out of town. I told him I was busy. He sends me pictures messages of his step son over to the house cooking. That triggers my abandonment stuff.
How do I set boundaries with him? I’m not looking to unload years of crap onto him. We just started talking again. should I just ignore the annoying messages, like I have been? Just focus on the future and positive things. So confused rn. I don’t trust him. Plus now I see he doesn’t understand anything I went through bc of him and his drama. I’m not really looking to make him understand but I don’t want him treating me like In the past. Now I find myself with nothing to say to him at all.

DesertEyes

Hello Basicallynone, and welcome to our corner of recovery. This is a very small and quiet forum, the "regulars" check in about once a week so please don't feel ignored if it takes a few days to get replies to your questions.

I did that too, best thing I ever did for my emotional sanity.

I tried going NC all at once, "cold turkey" as they say in meetings. Did not work for me. I had to go NC one little bit at a time. First I established what behaviors I would not allow in my life, then figure out how to remove myself from those behaviors.

They used to call me on the phone all the time, wanting me to solve all their problems. I started by setting a one hour limit to the conversations, then 45 min, then 30. Eventually they stopped calling.

It's kind of like training a 4 year old to stop screaming. You just have to ignore them, but at first they will just scream louder. Patience and persistence is what worked for me.

You can find a lot of info on No Contact in the Friends and Family forums next door. It's not specific to us ACoA's, but it is still useful.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ters-siblings/

Mike

Maudcat

Hi, Basicallynone.
It sounds like there is room to grow here.
Maybe your father is trying to reconnect and isnt quite sure how to go about it?
But...it also sounds like his wife does not like you and he is not going to rock the marriage boat.
I would be open, but keep expectations realistic.
I hope things work out for you both.

wiseheart

Hi Basicallynone, I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult time. Wonderful advice has already been given above. The only thing that I would add is that you may want to clarify what it is that you want from a relationship with your father at this point. I am a big believer in setting healthy boundaries.

My father was a raging alcoholic who finally became sober when I was in college (about 25 years ago). I don't think I would have maintained a relationship with him if he had not gotten sober and worked on his own emotional growth.

My father also remarried and his wife never wanted anything to do with my brother or me. Over time, I came to accept that reality. It has absolutely nothing to do with me and is out of my control, so I never really took it personally. Both of us wanted to maintain a relationship, so I decided what terms worked for me (frequency of contact, topics of conversation, etc). Currently, we get together about once a week for lunch or a walk (I don't go over to his house) and I don't let him make me feel guilty about how I live my life (a source of tension for us in the past).

I hope you spend some time to think about what (if any) kind of relationship with your father is best for you (i.e. help you to create the kind of healthy, happy life that you deserve) and set your boundaries accordingly. Whatever you decide, please be kind to yourself. Sending you warm wishes.

Basicallynone

Thanks you for the responses and tips! It really means a lot to me. I did have to think of what type of relationship I wanted from my dad. What I was looking for from him. It took some of the pressure and anxiety out of it. Actually release some pain, I guess bc I felt I had some direction control.

I’m going to peruse some therapy. Also I haven’t been able to find a aca meeting in my area. But I’m going to attend Alanon and see where that takes me. I want to work the 12 steps for aca and be free from all BS!!!!!!!!!! 😊😊😊