Do I deserve to live happily?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1
Do I deserve to live happily?
I will start with the fact that I have never told my story to almost anyone in my life and suffered alone through most of this.
When I was little my mother was struggling with depression for 10 years but I never felt any guilt or bad feelings. I didnt even know. My father has a toxic ex-wife and when i was little he was absent many nights in a row, sleeping with his ex while my mom was crying and waiting for him to come home. However for some reason all i remember from my childhood is roses and flowers. My parents were the best, we had long vacations, hiking, camping,experiencing nature. My father taught me everything I know and he basically made me the person I am. I glorified him, he was the best parent in the house (my mom sometimes would nag at me but she was ok from my point of view). So one day I'm 14 and we move out of our old house and i realize. My father has changed. Snap - he became an alcoholic. He claimed he had been drinking since I was born because the place where we used to live had a pub downstairs.
Thats where things went veeeery deep down, it just all came crashing right in my teens. He was no longer the father i looked up at. He was an emotionally abusive person who would intentionally bully my mother verbally, would slam doors in the dead of night, would not sleep all night but walk around the house, make noises, eat loud, wash dishes even if we asked him to let us sleep. For the past 9 years things have been very very ugly. My mother is totally ruined emotionally and mentally and I have always been there, running away from all the problems in my room. This was my safe place, I wouldnt talk to both of them but quickly sneak in and out and try to save myself. My mother would frequently want to dump it all on me. She is a lovely person but is extremely emotionally dependant on my dad and me. Since he isnt responding to her neediness, I was the one who had to endure. Also, she is no longer depressed, she got better a year before his alcoholism started.
I have no idea if anyone will ever read this but.. at this point i dont care, I have never written this down before or told noone so... i'll just write it.
So i have a boyfriend of 7 years and i have been living with my parents the entire time. He would come over and they would talk. My parents, problems aside, are intelligent human beings and are actually nice. You wouldnt believe what hell we all live in if you just look at us randomly...
So I was really under a lot of stress, i was crying, feeling guilt, feeling helpless, feeling like i cant save my mother. She would often accuse me of being distant, egoistic, not understanding and so on and this would bring me down a lot and make me miserable and less of a human being. I was living in a shell. I could no longer communicate with my father. I would only speak to my mother and sometimes it would be nice and friendly, but mostly it would be fighting about sth. She would call me on the phone if i'm out gazillion times and make me feel worthless, make me cry infront of my friends (who DONT know about ANY of this). Sometimes she'd bash me about sth small on the phone while im at work and make me break down into a hysteria. I feel depleted and angry and tired and...i cant even express how i feel when she has moods.
She has told me multiple times how if she and my father arent happy i cant be happy. I will never be happy as long as my family is suffering.
I moved out this week. with my boyfriend for the first time in our lives we are living together. But my mother is left with my father's abusive behavior and she blames me for leaving her "exactly now in this worst moment" but she doesnt realize its not a moment it has been going on for a long time and mestaying there isnt changing anything. But now I am literally going crazy. I can sleep I cant eat Im feeling guilt, regrets, doubts, I cant even be nice to my boyfriend. I feel completely broken. I am starting my life now and instead of happy i feel all this.
Am i doing it wrong? Should I have stayed with my mom until she resolved issues like housing and finance so that i wouldnt leave her alone with my dad? She recently had to sign our old apartment to my evil aunt who is super greedy and wanted to rob us of our property after my grandfather died so my mother is also living through this. So her sister stealing her flat, my father being a mentally abusive alcoholic and me leaving exactly at that time. I feel horrible. If anyone ever reads this please tell me what do you think.
When I was little my mother was struggling with depression for 10 years but I never felt any guilt or bad feelings. I didnt even know. My father has a toxic ex-wife and when i was little he was absent many nights in a row, sleeping with his ex while my mom was crying and waiting for him to come home. However for some reason all i remember from my childhood is roses and flowers. My parents were the best, we had long vacations, hiking, camping,experiencing nature. My father taught me everything I know and he basically made me the person I am. I glorified him, he was the best parent in the house (my mom sometimes would nag at me but she was ok from my point of view). So one day I'm 14 and we move out of our old house and i realize. My father has changed. Snap - he became an alcoholic. He claimed he had been drinking since I was born because the place where we used to live had a pub downstairs.
Thats where things went veeeery deep down, it just all came crashing right in my teens. He was no longer the father i looked up at. He was an emotionally abusive person who would intentionally bully my mother verbally, would slam doors in the dead of night, would not sleep all night but walk around the house, make noises, eat loud, wash dishes even if we asked him to let us sleep. For the past 9 years things have been very very ugly. My mother is totally ruined emotionally and mentally and I have always been there, running away from all the problems in my room. This was my safe place, I wouldnt talk to both of them but quickly sneak in and out and try to save myself. My mother would frequently want to dump it all on me. She is a lovely person but is extremely emotionally dependant on my dad and me. Since he isnt responding to her neediness, I was the one who had to endure. Also, she is no longer depressed, she got better a year before his alcoholism started.
I have no idea if anyone will ever read this but.. at this point i dont care, I have never written this down before or told noone so... i'll just write it.
So i have a boyfriend of 7 years and i have been living with my parents the entire time. He would come over and they would talk. My parents, problems aside, are intelligent human beings and are actually nice. You wouldnt believe what hell we all live in if you just look at us randomly...
So I was really under a lot of stress, i was crying, feeling guilt, feeling helpless, feeling like i cant save my mother. She would often accuse me of being distant, egoistic, not understanding and so on and this would bring me down a lot and make me miserable and less of a human being. I was living in a shell. I could no longer communicate with my father. I would only speak to my mother and sometimes it would be nice and friendly, but mostly it would be fighting about sth. She would call me on the phone if i'm out gazillion times and make me feel worthless, make me cry infront of my friends (who DONT know about ANY of this). Sometimes she'd bash me about sth small on the phone while im at work and make me break down into a hysteria. I feel depleted and angry and tired and...i cant even express how i feel when she has moods.
She has told me multiple times how if she and my father arent happy i cant be happy. I will never be happy as long as my family is suffering.
I moved out this week. with my boyfriend for the first time in our lives we are living together. But my mother is left with my father's abusive behavior and she blames me for leaving her "exactly now in this worst moment" but she doesnt realize its not a moment it has been going on for a long time and mestaying there isnt changing anything. But now I am literally going crazy. I can sleep I cant eat Im feeling guilt, regrets, doubts, I cant even be nice to my boyfriend. I feel completely broken. I am starting my life now and instead of happy i feel all this.
Am i doing it wrong? Should I have stayed with my mom until she resolved issues like housing and finance so that i wouldnt leave her alone with my dad? She recently had to sign our old apartment to my evil aunt who is super greedy and wanted to rob us of our property after my grandfather died so my mother is also living through this. So her sister stealing her flat, my father being a mentally abusive alcoholic and me leaving exactly at that time. I feel horrible. If anyone ever reads this please tell me what do you think.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Pinkapina.
Welcome to SR.
I am very sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
My opinion only: your mother is being emotionally abusive to you, and you do not have to bear it.
I am glad you have removed yourself from the home.
Don’t go back.
Time and distance will help, but I also urge you to get some help with all of these very big feelings you are experiencing.
Al-Anon, some form of therapy or counselling. Just something to help you make sense of the family dynamic.
Perhaps, in time, you will come to see that the less contact you have with your parents, the better.
Just because they are family doesn’t mean we have to be imprisoned by them.
Peace.
Welcome to SR.
I am very sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
My opinion only: your mother is being emotionally abusive to you, and you do not have to bear it.
I am glad you have removed yourself from the home.
Don’t go back.
Time and distance will help, but I also urge you to get some help with all of these very big feelings you are experiencing.
Al-Anon, some form of therapy or counselling. Just something to help you make sense of the family dynamic.
Perhaps, in time, you will come to see that the less contact you have with your parents, the better.
Just because they are family doesn’t mean we have to be imprisoned by them.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 206
Hi Pinkapina, It sounds like your mother might be in a pretty toxic place. Beware of getting enmeshed in that and in any dysfunction between your parents. You absolutely do not have to get in the middle of that, and you are not responsible for your mother's life or her feelings. If she wants help and asks you for it, perhaps you could suggest some counseling for her, therapy, or a doctor. Personally I would not go further than this.
Professional help for her would be an appropriate step. Expecting you to get in the middle of things between her and your father is not. And if she expects you to just hang around for her and not live your own life that you want to live just because she can't take care of herself or can't be alone, major red flags also.
In a best case scenario, if nobody steps in to play "rescue" for her then perhaps she may be eventually pushed to seek professional help (or help through a 12-step program).
Meanwhile I really really recommend getting support for yourself. In these scenarios this is often the best we can do, and sometimes the only thing. Give ACA meetings a try, if you haven't already. I know many ACA's like Al-Anon too, personally I tried both and I stayed with ACA. Maybe therapy if you can, and doing some positive things for yourself that make you happy. Whatever speaks to you, it's good to try different things. Take care and keep us updated
Professional help for her would be an appropriate step. Expecting you to get in the middle of things between her and your father is not. And if she expects you to just hang around for her and not live your own life that you want to live just because she can't take care of herself or can't be alone, major red flags also.
In a best case scenario, if nobody steps in to play "rescue" for her then perhaps she may be eventually pushed to seek professional help (or help through a 12-step program).
Meanwhile I really really recommend getting support for yourself. In these scenarios this is often the best we can do, and sometimes the only thing. Give ACA meetings a try, if you haven't already. I know many ACA's like Al-Anon too, personally I tried both and I stayed with ACA. Maybe therapy if you can, and doing some positive things for yourself that make you happy. Whatever speaks to you, it's good to try different things. Take care and keep us updated
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 7
Hi Pinkapina, I am new to this forum but I wanted to reach out and express my understanding. I have always struggled with this myself, but I think you need to not burden yourself by taking all of the emotional responsibility and guilt. I think counselling would really help, or if you could try giving the Al-Anon meetings I hear they help a lot of people. I once briefly saw a counsellor for something unrelated to my alcoholic parent, but quickly realised it always went back to that. I think getting to the root of the problem would be beneficial so that you can enjoy your own life and be allowed to have the healthy relationship with your boyfriend that you deserve. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 421
I feel for your mother but she should not be blaming you.
I agee with Maudcat in that your family should be imprisoning you.
I'm happy for you that you got out of that toxic environment and I recommend counseling to help you deal with the guilt your family is placing on you. You should NOT feel guilty for helping yourself escape out of a bad situation.
I agee with Maudcat in that your family should be imprisoning you.
I'm happy for you that you got out of that toxic environment and I recommend counseling to help you deal with the guilt your family is placing on you. You should NOT feel guilty for helping yourself escape out of a bad situation.
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