Mermaidtears

I don't know where to start. My mom and dad were toxic from the beginning. My parents were forced apart (by my moms mom) before I was born. My mom later developed a love for any type of pills, alcohol and eventually over the years it progressed to crack and meth. My dad, always in and out of prison wasn't in the picture except 1 year of my childhood. I went through many foster homes, group homes, and as my addiction grew I even did a few years in jail. Over that period, my mom and I remained close and I was her biggest 'meal ticket' and enabler. My dad on the other hand was just never there. Last year I heard he was missing and later found out he was just on a long binge. My mom cleaned up for the most part (she is dry but not sober) aND about a month ago, i saw my dad for the first time in a long time. I went to walmart after work (around 10:30 pm) and saw a familiar face, minus about 100 lbs, stealing steaks from the meat dept. He looked dead, so small the only way I recognized him was his eyes and tattoos. We made eye contact, and he quickly left the store without a word. I reached out on facebook, not expecting a response. I wanted an explanation and answers. He replied, and after me begging for his honesty he told me he was on meth. Since then, i have sent a few messages back and forth and today asked to see him. He had claimed to be staying with a friend and trying to get clean. When I arrived to where he asked me to meet him, he said he was working on storm damage from hurricane irma. I went to the building to find him and a woman in a abandoned old building with a dirty mattress in the back room. They clearly live there, although he claimed they didnt. I could tell he was high, and within 10 mins of the visit, he rushed me away... said he would call later and got in a car that pulled up with 2 methed out looking women. I went there with the intentions of trying to have a relationship with my dad and left feeling like he had abandoned me again. I struggle with my own addiction and I have no idea what to do right now, I feel like a idiot and a failure. I turn 30 in a couple of months and feel like I shouldn't feel like I do, the same feeling I had as a child. I know that I need to let him go, but I don't know how. No matter how bad of a dad he is, i still feel like I am missing something because I never knew him. Anyone have any advice? Plz help

Maudcat

Hi, Mermaidtears.
Welcome.
You will find lots of support here.
I have no advice for you, but I am so very sorry foryour sadness and pain.
Addiction is horrible.

Ariesagain

Aw, sweetie. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through.

A toxic, chaotic relationship is worse than no relationship at all and that's all he would ever been able to give. Loving addicts, as you know too well, is fraught with heartache. But it isn't personal. He isn't rejecting you by any kind of thought-out, intelligent choice...he's rejecting you because at some point, addiction trumps everything and anyone.

You can live your life a different way, where you won't abandon and hurt the people who love you.

It's not your fault.

Sending you a big hug and wishing you better days ahead.

Pathwaytofree

I am so sad for what you went through. Here is a hug to help

You are not alone.

Ariesagain's post (see below) was right on the mark. I have nothing to add but to suggest to read that post over and over until it is ingrained into your mind and soul.

You will be okay.

makomago

I don't say this to cause hurt... it feels like abandonment (again) because it is.

Having been in a similar position, I understand the hurt you feel. As the old saying goes... it's a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances.

Only other addicts appreciate how addiction grips and perhaps only they can appreciate that such hurts caused are rarely intended. That makes them no less painful for the recipients. My experience is that each new abandonment or hurt is multiplied by refeeling all the previous episodes on top of the new one. That's why it hurts so much.

The only way past that, in my experience, isto grieve the old, so new are easier to deal with.

I suffered from the same addictions as my mother (and father). After a certain amount of recovery and grieving those loses I came to view their new episodes with sadness, not hurt. As a result I was and do have a relationship with my mother - my dad passed away, but we had a good relationship by then.

Because my Dad was away so much when I was growing up I too missed out, it's a valid loss to have not had familial contact.

I don't have advice, but would suggest taking care of yourself first and then hopefully things will work out for the best. I am now confident that by looking after myself, I'm at least capable of having meaningful relationships with others who are capable of the same

Take care

ItsViolet

Hi Mermaidtears, How sad with your dad. I'm so sorry

How about getting help for yourself in a drug/alcohol treatment program first, before doing anything else?

My mom's addiction was a nightmare too and have caused me abysmal pain, and the best I could do was get help for me and change my life. We can't make them want to change, but we can change if we want to. I know that for me I couldn't do it on my own and needed help in a program. Please do whatever it takes to get sober, whatever works for you. You deserve to be happy and live a full life and not follow in your parent's footsteps of addiction.

NClarke2017

Break free from the cycle. Remember you can still love someone but be enabling their bad or hurtful behavior. You can love from away and wish the best for them but you've got to take care of yourself first! You are worth happiness.

seasaw

You are dealing with (have been dealing with) something more difficult than most people can relate to. Your psyche is trying to process so much at once - your childhood, your current relationships with your parents, and just living life on top of it all. I bet you're losing sleep, or weight, or having nightmare or other sleep problems, GI issues, eye twitches - I bet the weight of it is taking a physical toll as well as mental/emotional.

I was taking care of my addicted mom for a while before I realized she was addicted to things. I didn't have any help or any information about what I was dealing with. But it made me drop out of college, quit a good job, and devote my life to my relationship/obligation to my mom, and to her health and upkeep. Because she was my mom, and so obviously I had do.

I can't even remember how much time or abuse it took for me to unravel to the point when logic finally slapped me across the face and said, 'she's taking you down with her fool' and it became clear that I could not be around her in any kind of healthy way if she was going to treat me that way, and if I didn't start figuring out my own life. I realized I did not deserve, hadn't done anything to deserve, the way she was treating me. That what she was doing is not what moms are supposed to do, not how they're supposed to treat their kids. That's not what parents do to their kids. It's not how kids, or people, should ever be treated by their parents. No one deserves to look back on being a small child and remember violence and chaos and instability. Parents are supposed to protect you from harm.

When they fail it doesn't mean they are bad people - but it means that now we have to learn how to protect and nurture ourselves. When I had taken a long break from worrying about my mom and started learning how to do that instead, dealing with my mom was something I could do with much more confidence and insight.

If you're interested in some reading, there's a little book called "Healing the Child Within" by Charles Whitfeld.

Bryndalynn

There is nothing you can do to save him or change him. He is not really present and is nothing but a shell at this point, it seems. My heart hurts for you and I hope you can find some support and comfort.
Please take care of yourself and think of the things that are positive in your life. Be STRONG!

xoxxoxoxxox....