to have contact with ex alcoholic mom or not
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
to have contact with ex alcoholic mom or not
Hi,
I have always known that there is something wrong with me but I assumed it was just "regular" depression or a lack of motivation or that I was just overthinking everything. It kept getting worse so I researched my symptoms and came across the laundry list....now I have always known that my childhood wasn't healthy and I even told my mom in the past that she has been a bad mother because somehow I thought that it would help me get over it but she has always denied everything! That made everything even more difficult. she would never admit that she had a drinking problem when I was growing up. I remember telling her that she was an alcoholic back then and she would just ignore it...she doesn't drink nowadays because she can't handle it healthwise but it makes me so mad that she never admitted to having had issues in the past! Part of me feels sorry for her because she has a lot of health problems now and is depressed but part of me just wants to never talk to her ever again for screwing me up and not even take some responsibility for it. I kind of wish she was still drinking because then it would be easier for me to stop talking to her but I feel bad for thinking like that...
How do you guys handle it?
I have always known that there is something wrong with me but I assumed it was just "regular" depression or a lack of motivation or that I was just overthinking everything. It kept getting worse so I researched my symptoms and came across the laundry list....now I have always known that my childhood wasn't healthy and I even told my mom in the past that she has been a bad mother because somehow I thought that it would help me get over it but she has always denied everything! That made everything even more difficult. she would never admit that she had a drinking problem when I was growing up. I remember telling her that she was an alcoholic back then and she would just ignore it...she doesn't drink nowadays because she can't handle it healthwise but it makes me so mad that she never admitted to having had issues in the past! Part of me feels sorry for her because she has a lot of health problems now and is depressed but part of me just wants to never talk to her ever again for screwing me up and not even take some responsibility for it. I kind of wish she was still drinking because then it would be easier for me to stop talking to her but I feel bad for thinking like that...
How do you guys handle it?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Hi Natasha
Welcome. You are among some great people with a LOT of experience.
Is your Mom working a program to stay sober? Are you angry at her for her behavior today, even though she isn't drinking?
People don't have to drink to be toxic.
Keep coming back!
Welcome. You are among some great people with a LOT of experience.
Is your Mom working a program to stay sober? Are you angry at her for her behavior today, even though she isn't drinking?
People don't have to drink to be toxic.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome, Natasha!
Sometimes our parents are great examples of how not to live.
My father was a drinker.
I don't have many happy memories of him, but I am not him.
And I like the person I have become.
Try not to let your anger with your mom rent space in your head.
In Al-Anon, working my 4th step, I started journaling about my childhood and my family.
It brought a lot of things up, but it also helped bring a sense of clarity to my parents' actions.
It helped me a lot to journal.
Sometimes our parents are great examples of how not to live.
My father was a drinker.
I don't have many happy memories of him, but I am not him.
And I like the person I have become.
Try not to let your anger with your mom rent space in your head.
In Al-Anon, working my 4th step, I started journaling about my childhood and my family.
It brought a lot of things up, but it also helped bring a sense of clarity to my parents' actions.
It helped me a lot to journal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
Is your Mom working a program to stay sober? Are you angry at her for her behavior today, even though she isn't drinking?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Nah, things that happen when we are young stay with us a long time.
In my case, it has taken real conscious effort to make sense of my childhood home situation, my parents' behaviors, and how it has affected me as an adult.
I had a lot of anger when I was younger, and a lot of that was due to my dad.
But anger is like a box of rocks that just gets heavier the longer we carry it around.
I decided to drop that box of rocks, and I have never looked back.
Good luck on your journey.
In my case, it has taken real conscious effort to make sense of my childhood home situation, my parents' behaviors, and how it has affected me as an adult.
I had a lot of anger when I was younger, and a lot of that was due to my dad.
But anger is like a box of rocks that just gets heavier the longer we carry it around.
I decided to drop that box of rocks, and I have never looked back.
Good luck on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Okay peaple
Please refrain from giving advice in your posts. This website is for peer support only, which means share only your personal experience with the subject of a given thread. See rule #10
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
If you do not have personal experience with the original question in the thread please find some other thread where you do.
I have removed posts that were simply insenstive and dismisive comments.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Please refrain from giving advice in your posts. This website is for peer support only, which means share only your personal experience with the subject of a given thread. See rule #10
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
If you do not have personal experience with the original question in the thread please find some other thread where you do.
I have removed posts that were simply insenstive and dismisive comments.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
For me personally, I have an alcoholic father and possibly several alcoholic siblings as well - including myself. I have been sober for 5 years+.
Several individuals in my family-of-origin just don't acknowledge what's going on. It's an elephant in the room that people literally ignore.
I've made it quite clear that they choose to rugsweep and that's ok, it's their choice. However, I'm not required to participate. Rugsweeping, ignoring, etc doesn't work for me and I'm dealing with it all. I've worked the steps and continue my recovery work (both Al-anon and AA).
I have a few individuals that I've decided I will never see as long as the situation stays the same (horrible behavior towards my wife with no effort to try to resolve the conflict). The door is open for them to work things out with us (wife and myself), but I won't go chasing after them.
My mother and father were a falling out following my decisions with a couple siblings. They really wanted me to come to the "FAAAAMILY" get-togethers and I refused. Me, my wife, and our daughter (2 years old now) aren't safe in every way being around certain people who refuse to even speak to my wife about their conflict. So, both my parents have refused offer after offer to spend time with us. Oh well, that's the choice they've made.
I wrote my father a goodbye letter (given coaching from my counselor). It was heartfelt and expressed concern for his drinking and hope that he could get sober - and asked for him to be in my life. That there were things I liked about my childhood and things that I didn't - I won't hide either of those pieces - the good or the bad. It just is what it is. I never heard back from him.
I have found more recovery and health outside of my family-of-origin unfortunately. I long for love from them that many are simply unable to give - probably because they have little for themselves (if any at all).
In meetings, when people wonder about what to do, I say that each of us has the right to decide what works for us. And there's no hard-fast rule of recovery. Some of us set boundaries that the alcoholic (or enablers or rug-sweepers around the alcoholic) despises and they constantly test it. Our work is to figure out what works for us and act on it.
An individual doesn't have to be actively suffering from alcoholism to be toxic to my own sense of well-being - or for me to determine that their behavior doesn't fit with my life. I can choose to walk away. It's my choice where I live, what I say, and where my feet go just as much as it's a choice for everyone else around me.
For me, it's been hard, but I'm trying to accept that admitting there's a problem may never happen and my father may die from the disease and it's even possible I'll find out from a stranger or a friend and not family member's. Such is the culture of silence that surrounds the disease. I'm working to have recovery in letting go of the things I can't control (father's drinking - ignoring my letter - mother not seeing me, wife and daughter - etc), and focus on changing the things I can - do for my child what my father did not do for me. Instead of finding relief from others fixing their lives and acknowledging what actions have hurt others, etc -- I do that for myself. I fix my own life. I acknowledge my actions - take responsibility where it's due, etc.
I can't change them - but I can change me.
Several individuals in my family-of-origin just don't acknowledge what's going on. It's an elephant in the room that people literally ignore.
I've made it quite clear that they choose to rugsweep and that's ok, it's their choice. However, I'm not required to participate. Rugsweeping, ignoring, etc doesn't work for me and I'm dealing with it all. I've worked the steps and continue my recovery work (both Al-anon and AA).
I have a few individuals that I've decided I will never see as long as the situation stays the same (horrible behavior towards my wife with no effort to try to resolve the conflict). The door is open for them to work things out with us (wife and myself), but I won't go chasing after them.
My mother and father were a falling out following my decisions with a couple siblings. They really wanted me to come to the "FAAAAMILY" get-togethers and I refused. Me, my wife, and our daughter (2 years old now) aren't safe in every way being around certain people who refuse to even speak to my wife about their conflict. So, both my parents have refused offer after offer to spend time with us. Oh well, that's the choice they've made.
I wrote my father a goodbye letter (given coaching from my counselor). It was heartfelt and expressed concern for his drinking and hope that he could get sober - and asked for him to be in my life. That there were things I liked about my childhood and things that I didn't - I won't hide either of those pieces - the good or the bad. It just is what it is. I never heard back from him.
I have found more recovery and health outside of my family-of-origin unfortunately. I long for love from them that many are simply unable to give - probably because they have little for themselves (if any at all).
In meetings, when people wonder about what to do, I say that each of us has the right to decide what works for us. And there's no hard-fast rule of recovery. Some of us set boundaries that the alcoholic (or enablers or rug-sweepers around the alcoholic) despises and they constantly test it. Our work is to figure out what works for us and act on it.
An individual doesn't have to be actively suffering from alcoholism to be toxic to my own sense of well-being - or for me to determine that their behavior doesn't fit with my life. I can choose to walk away. It's my choice where I live, what I say, and where my feet go just as much as it's a choice for everyone else around me.
For me, it's been hard, but I'm trying to accept that admitting there's a problem may never happen and my father may die from the disease and it's even possible I'll find out from a stranger or a friend and not family member's. Such is the culture of silence that surrounds the disease. I'm working to have recovery in letting go of the things I can't control (father's drinking - ignoring my letter - mother not seeing me, wife and daughter - etc), and focus on changing the things I can - do for my child what my father did not do for me. Instead of finding relief from others fixing their lives and acknowledging what actions have hurt others, etc -- I do that for myself. I fix my own life. I acknowledge my actions - take responsibility where it's due, etc.
I can't change them - but I can change me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
I went NC with my mom because I realize I was spending so much time worrying and thinking about her problems I was paying zero to my own. The roles had finally fully flipped, and I was the parent. I tried to have a few civil conversations with her but she was way beyond that at that point. I handed her care over to the right people and have not looked back.
Today my therapist said, "If there's a cure for codependency, it's taking care of yourself as well as you take care of others." Soon we find out that we don't need anyone's permission or approval. We can hand them a bunch of AA materials, put Uber, and say 'call me when you're sober.' And not let it take up years of our youth.
Today my therapist said, "If there's a cure for codependency, it's taking care of yourself as well as you take care of others." Soon we find out that we don't need anyone's permission or approval. We can hand them a bunch of AA materials, put Uber, and say 'call me when you're sober.' And not let it take up years of our youth.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 8
Hi Natasha,
I have two alcoholic parents, currently in various stages of actually dying of the results of chronic drinking. They do not say or admit that they have a problem with active alcohol abuse, and would (and do) deny any and all wrongdoing in the raising of their kids. Both me and my brother are jacked UP as a result of living with them as children, but they see nothing but that they did a fantastic job. Their ears are only open to hearing praises. I have gone NC for the past year or so. One thing that has helped me tremendously (after my counselor suggested it once during a session) when I have awful childhood memories, is to imagine the "adult me" stepping in and saying something reassuring to that little girl, or taking over the handling of that particular situation. Just reimagining how things could have happened in a healthy way with a healthy parent has settled my spirit, and as "Adult Children of Alcoholics" literature suggests, "become my own loving parent." It is a journey, a hard one, and I don't know whether their admission of wrongdoing would even help at this point. I do know that ceasing contact has helped me stop continuing to be a victim, and is a loving boundary for that wounded little girl that lives inside me. I can do that for myself now. Best of luck to you as you navigate these feelings. You are not alone!
I have two alcoholic parents, currently in various stages of actually dying of the results of chronic drinking. They do not say or admit that they have a problem with active alcohol abuse, and would (and do) deny any and all wrongdoing in the raising of their kids. Both me and my brother are jacked UP as a result of living with them as children, but they see nothing but that they did a fantastic job. Their ears are only open to hearing praises. I have gone NC for the past year or so. One thing that has helped me tremendously (after my counselor suggested it once during a session) when I have awful childhood memories, is to imagine the "adult me" stepping in and saying something reassuring to that little girl, or taking over the handling of that particular situation. Just reimagining how things could have happened in a healthy way with a healthy parent has settled my spirit, and as "Adult Children of Alcoholics" literature suggests, "become my own loving parent." It is a journey, a hard one, and I don't know whether their admission of wrongdoing would even help at this point. I do know that ceasing contact has helped me stop continuing to be a victim, and is a loving boundary for that wounded little girl that lives inside me. I can do that for myself now. Best of luck to you as you navigate these feelings. You are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by rstingbeachface
One thing that has helped me tremendously (after my counselor suggested it once during a session) when I have awful childhood memories, is to imagine the "adult me" stepping in and saying something reassuring to that little girl, or taking over the handling of that particular situation. Just reimagining how things could have happened in a healthy way with a healthy parent has settled my spirit, and as "Adult Children of Alcoholics" literature suggests, "become my own loving parent."
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