Where has ACOA been all my life?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 8
Where has ACOA been all my life?
Hi, I’m a 26-year-old male. My father is an alcoholic. Eversince I can remember my father has had a drink problem. All he needs is one sip of alcohol to set him off a period of binge drinking lasting for weeks and weeks until his body would pack in from all the constant non-stop abuse. During these periods he wouldn’t go to work (self-employed taxi driver how convenient!), he wouldn’t be physically abusive to neither me, my mum or my sister, he would just drink and talk so much nonsense, like a mad man, acting like a kid residing in a mature body being pissed. He would keep us awake all night, he would **** himself anywhere in the house. Every time we had a wedding or party to go to I would be so scared as I knew he would get drunk and cause a scene, embarrassing us in front of so many people, thinking to myself why cant he simply drink like all the other fathers! As I got older I would try to contain his drinking by keeping him locked up in the house, hiding the keys, he would simply escape by going through the next door neighbors garden or jumping down through the upstairs window. Hell isn’t simply a place outside this world it can be in your own home! Then after he got off the booze he would go to work, working long hours to pay off his debts, being miserable, I don’t hate my dad as I am know beginning to realize that his problems relating to alcohol probably resided in his own early childhood, that his father failed to provide to the expectations that my father so desperately needed. It’s a vicious circle, even thou I don’t drink I have inherited my own fathers suffering. Hence we are now both suffering and if I don’t heal my sick self I shall one day pass on the suffering to my children!
Ever since I was young I tried to be the rational mature child, trying to keep a lid amongst all the insanity we were living in. In the process I have lost my own sanity! My mom would just cry and cry it is her faith in God that has saved her and has kept my family together to this present day, any other woman would have just packed up and left by dad years ago. In fact if it wasn’t for my mum my dad would be on the streets homeless walking around like a vagrant or most probably dead!
At sixteen I attempted suicide (was more a cry for help, never the less I almost died from the overdose!) Social services got involved my father was sent to rehab for a month, he came back a new man, he was clean for about 3-4 years and has since then continually relapsed on and off, his drinking is not much of a problem as it used to be, his body can no longer adhere to his old self-destructive wishes as it once used to, but what does it matter now? The damage has been done! My experiences relating to his drinking has taken its toll on me, I am now emotionally drained and damaged, a broken confused young man, with a host of problems relating to my sanity and life. I have always felt alone, being used to hide my emotions, but now there is no more room left inside me to store anymore, constant feelings of hopelessness, having entered into fools paradise so many times having found nothing but dead ends.
After I left had school, away from the constructed life and into the world where you are responsible and accountable for making your own decisions, life has overwhelmed me and I have found adult life such a struggle! I started college then quit, started an IT course then quit halfway through, being in dead end jobs, a continually recurring pattern in my life, not knowing what I want to do and what I want from life. I am know a taxi driver just like my dad! I have tried to better myself, from reading self-help books to self-hypnosis, autosuggestion, prayers, spiritualists, and I have failed to find success or answers. I have indulged in smoking ganga but have since quit it, I smoke cigarettes not because I enjoy smoking but because I am stressed daily, and now I am going to reveal something that I have never done before, ever since I was young I have been jerking off, indulging in viewing pornography, and into adulthood, hiring escorts, to this day I don’t know where the urge to indulge in such sexual lust come from? I am not that type of guy I mean I respect females, but at times out of the blue I just simply get overwhelmed by such desires of sexual lust, which I have no control over, more I resist more it persists until I finally give in, and after have committed the act I then get overwhelmed by feelings of disgust, shame, why wasn’t I more stronger, feeling humiliated, feeling abused (at times I think could I be possessed). May be when I was a kid I saw jerking off as a coping mechanism, after all I couldn’t escape from the hell I was living in at home, may be jerking off was to escape more into my own inner world, a source of instant pleasure? May be my inner child is trying to tell me something by manifesting these urges; I’m so confused it could even be hormonal related! I find it hard to have intimate relationships, I have no problem getting girlfriends but I just end up ditching them, I’m so self-conscious, at weddings and at parties I find dancing even with my close cousin brothers and sisters so uncomfortable, I simply cant relax, let go and enjoy myself, whilst dancing they can sense probably how uncomfortable I am, this makes them uncomfortable, so they drift away to dance with others who are enjoying themselves, I would so much just love to dance with others without being so self-conscious!
I always thought that I was the only one suffering due to my fathers drinking, that no one could ever understand how I felt. I never knew ACOA existed, I thought the only help available was only for the alcoholics themselves! I am going to go to my first ACOA meeting this Wednesday, amongst the insanity I have found new hope, my last final hope, to liberate and free my tormented self, to live life without having to constantly struggle.
I think even if my sick self gets cured, can I still make amends, recoup all my losses and have a happy life? After all so much as happened, it’s been such a crazy life, having no qualifications, prospects, where do I begin? This Wednesday J my first ACOA meeting.
Ever since I was young I tried to be the rational mature child, trying to keep a lid amongst all the insanity we were living in. In the process I have lost my own sanity! My mom would just cry and cry it is her faith in God that has saved her and has kept my family together to this present day, any other woman would have just packed up and left by dad years ago. In fact if it wasn’t for my mum my dad would be on the streets homeless walking around like a vagrant or most probably dead!
At sixteen I attempted suicide (was more a cry for help, never the less I almost died from the overdose!) Social services got involved my father was sent to rehab for a month, he came back a new man, he was clean for about 3-4 years and has since then continually relapsed on and off, his drinking is not much of a problem as it used to be, his body can no longer adhere to his old self-destructive wishes as it once used to, but what does it matter now? The damage has been done! My experiences relating to his drinking has taken its toll on me, I am now emotionally drained and damaged, a broken confused young man, with a host of problems relating to my sanity and life. I have always felt alone, being used to hide my emotions, but now there is no more room left inside me to store anymore, constant feelings of hopelessness, having entered into fools paradise so many times having found nothing but dead ends.
After I left had school, away from the constructed life and into the world where you are responsible and accountable for making your own decisions, life has overwhelmed me and I have found adult life such a struggle! I started college then quit, started an IT course then quit halfway through, being in dead end jobs, a continually recurring pattern in my life, not knowing what I want to do and what I want from life. I am know a taxi driver just like my dad! I have tried to better myself, from reading self-help books to self-hypnosis, autosuggestion, prayers, spiritualists, and I have failed to find success or answers. I have indulged in smoking ganga but have since quit it, I smoke cigarettes not because I enjoy smoking but because I am stressed daily, and now I am going to reveal something that I have never done before, ever since I was young I have been jerking off, indulging in viewing pornography, and into adulthood, hiring escorts, to this day I don’t know where the urge to indulge in such sexual lust come from? I am not that type of guy I mean I respect females, but at times out of the blue I just simply get overwhelmed by such desires of sexual lust, which I have no control over, more I resist more it persists until I finally give in, and after have committed the act I then get overwhelmed by feelings of disgust, shame, why wasn’t I more stronger, feeling humiliated, feeling abused (at times I think could I be possessed). May be when I was a kid I saw jerking off as a coping mechanism, after all I couldn’t escape from the hell I was living in at home, may be jerking off was to escape more into my own inner world, a source of instant pleasure? May be my inner child is trying to tell me something by manifesting these urges; I’m so confused it could even be hormonal related! I find it hard to have intimate relationships, I have no problem getting girlfriends but I just end up ditching them, I’m so self-conscious, at weddings and at parties I find dancing even with my close cousin brothers and sisters so uncomfortable, I simply cant relax, let go and enjoy myself, whilst dancing they can sense probably how uncomfortable I am, this makes them uncomfortable, so they drift away to dance with others who are enjoying themselves, I would so much just love to dance with others without being so self-conscious!
I always thought that I was the only one suffering due to my fathers drinking, that no one could ever understand how I felt. I never knew ACOA existed, I thought the only help available was only for the alcoholics themselves! I am going to go to my first ACOA meeting this Wednesday, amongst the insanity I have found new hope, my last final hope, to liberate and free my tormented self, to live life without having to constantly struggle.
I think even if my sick self gets cured, can I still make amends, recoup all my losses and have a happy life? After all so much as happened, it’s been such a crazy life, having no qualifications, prospects, where do I begin? This Wednesday J my first ACOA meeting.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Hello there,
Welcome. You seem to be feeling like this :sink right now. Feeling :sink has been such an integral part of my life and I am trying to be more like this
instead. Growing up in an alcoholic environment has affected the way I think and act. Like you, I have chosen to abstain from alcohol. I have not had a drink my entire life.
But, there is a hole inside from all of the neglect. My father abandoned me my whole life and just hopped into the picture a couple of months ago. My mother has been drinking all of my life as well. She demands so much from me sometime but she does it in subtle ways.
The sexual urge you feel from time to time may be because of your insecurity to get close to people and could very well be a coping mechanism. I am not an expert or anything but I think it is quite probable. My deprivation comes out differently than yours. I shake a lot and when I lay in my bed to go to sleep I bump my head on my pillow repeatedly or I rock myself to sleep. I also have a hard time letting things go and I am also a bit to sensitive from time to time.
Like you, I have been working really hard on it. I go to a counselor at the college I am attending, I write in my journal, I am a poet, I have reading up on meditation practices, and I am trying really hard to reach my goals and succeed for my health and the health of my future childrens.
Take as long as you need to heal as long as your are willing to try to heal. Dealing with such a disfunctional family is hard. I mean it is hard as all hell. Believe me I know. My mother, father, grandmother, aunts, and uncles are all alcoholics. My mother moreso than anyone else.
But I am special. I have made it this far and I have got the right frame of mind. I am willing to try to heal and I will take as long as I need to heal.
Good Luck to you...dont give up...and welcome to SR.
This is truly a great place.
~Def
Welcome. You seem to be feeling like this :sink right now. Feeling :sink has been such an integral part of my life and I am trying to be more like this
instead. Growing up in an alcoholic environment has affected the way I think and act. Like you, I have chosen to abstain from alcohol. I have not had a drink my entire life. But, there is a hole inside from all of the neglect. My father abandoned me my whole life and just hopped into the picture a couple of months ago. My mother has been drinking all of my life as well. She demands so much from me sometime but she does it in subtle ways.
The sexual urge you feel from time to time may be because of your insecurity to get close to people and could very well be a coping mechanism. I am not an expert or anything but I think it is quite probable. My deprivation comes out differently than yours. I shake a lot and when I lay in my bed to go to sleep I bump my head on my pillow repeatedly or I rock myself to sleep. I also have a hard time letting things go and I am also a bit to sensitive from time to time.
Like you, I have been working really hard on it. I go to a counselor at the college I am attending, I write in my journal, I am a poet, I have reading up on meditation practices, and I am trying really hard to reach my goals and succeed for my health and the health of my future childrens.
Take as long as you need to heal as long as your are willing to try to heal. Dealing with such a disfunctional family is hard. I mean it is hard as all hell. Believe me I know. My mother, father, grandmother, aunts, and uncles are all alcoholics. My mother moreso than anyone else.
But I am special. I have made it this far and I have got the right frame of mind. I am willing to try to heal and I will take as long as I need to heal.
Good Luck to you...dont give up...and welcome to SR.
This is truly a great place.
~Def
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by littles
Ever since I was young I tried to be the rational mature child, trying to keep a lid amongst all the insanity we were living in. In the process I have lost my own sanity!
Good luck and enjoy the journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 8
Take it to the enemy
Dear DevofLove thanks for your reply. Browsing through the Forum posts I have noticed how active you have been and I can understand why, I to am also seeking great comfort from visiting and expressing myself through the Forum. I feel through expressing ourselves, at times the mature child part of our persona unconsciosly comes out, correst me if i'm wrong! Like, even thou we are trying hard to make progress, deep down we are still vunerable, at times we try to express ourselves as being so empowering, yet still so lonely and innocent! Sometimes I think who am I trying to kid, one thing for certain is that we have deep deep issues to deal with, there is no denying that we ACOA are brave, but on the same token so confused, our dysfunctional past has left it's bites on us all, we are lost children, hoping that the negative patterns that we have followed for so long and that have now become an integral part of our life, shall one day cease to exist is the only thing that keeps our sanity, but there is a part of ourselves (self-saboteur) who had lost hope along time ago, thats why we struggle so much, there is a part ourselves who died long time ago. Children are not toys or property, what choice did we have? If we knew what was going to be instore for us would we have wanted to come into this world? When we were young we preyed and preyed to God to help and save us, the help never came, so I think it has to be fate, that if we perservere amidst our our personal hell, that one day we shall be fullfilled and gain what we are seeking from ourselves and life.
What talent or gift can be greater than having empathy? We can trully call ourselves as being human, the lost children united, we just got to keep on preservering no matter what, thats why we might aswell go on the offensive, we got eachother, thats all that matters, we can take it in turns holding up the lamp whilst travelling through the long dark tunnel.
What talent or gift can be greater than having empathy? We can trully call ourselves as being human, the lost children united, we just got to keep on preservering no matter what, thats why we might aswell go on the offensive, we got eachother, thats all that matters, we can take it in turns holding up the lamp whilst travelling through the long dark tunnel.
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