Did they make lightbulbs back then??

Old 10-24-2004, 06:34 AM
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JT
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Did they make lightbulbs back then??

Anyway at 52 I am dusting another one off.

Read oldest daughter of alcoholic, disengaged father. Even after 30 years in AA he is as shallow and transparent as a sheet of glass. I know I am the one who has sought approval my whole life but he is the one who has refused to give it.

His live in partner and I have become friends over the years and hearing the same things from her has validated the feelings I have had most of my life about him. It is her choice not to marry him as the purse strings belong to her. She is tired of giving and not getting, sharing herself and getting nothing back. Asking for him to share about himself and him refusing.

I have never been thin enough, pretty enough, well dressed enough or had a good enough life. Gee...when you grow up with that and keep trying and trying to get his A-OK self esteem issues would be the normal thing, not the abnormal. My dad is all show. Well dressed, handsome (even in his 70's), he always has a nice vehicle, he is funny (when you haven't heard the joke before) and very very social. But he is also a closed minded, judgmental, critical narcissist.

The reason this comes up is that he stayed with us for a week recently and I could feel the shift in how I felt. Much less dancing for dad and much more sadness for him and the way he lives. The 12 steps have kept him sober but he missed the meeting about compassion. (his inventory not mine...sorry)

Just thought I would share,
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Old 10-24-2004, 06:39 AM
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It seems you attended the meeting on compassion in his absence.
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Old 10-24-2004, 06:43 AM
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JT, shame about your Dad.
He doesn't realize what a treasure of a daughter he's missing out on.
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Old 10-24-2004, 07:31 AM
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Like everything else this is a process and I am not taking it in the least bit personally. Taking it personally was the way it was but not the way it will be. That's the difference here.

I hope there is a learning curve. I must come by my slowness genetically but when it is time it is time. I got there with my son, my husband and various others (not taking it personally) but finding the source and facing it dead on takes a little longer.

As pathetic as it sounds, when my dad remarried a girl 4 years older than I whenever I would visit I would get all dressed up. For years and years I worried about what I would wear whenever I saw him. There is something really unnatural about that.

When he left the family he gave the impression he thought he was better and so did his wife. He allowed us to feel that way. I never thought of him until now as a narcissist but it suits him. They are pretty unhealthy people and destructive to boot.

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Old 10-24-2004, 11:33 AM
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Hey JT :-)

Sounds just like my dad. He understood the first half of the first step just fine, but skipped all the rest of the progarm. Got sober, but not sane.

When he passed away last June I was non-consensually involved in the issue of the inheritance and the will. I discovered that my dad had been married to a very sweet lady for the last 20 years or so. Nobody on my mother's side of the family knew that. Technically that made him a bigamist.

My dad went to meetings regularly, spoke, shared, had a sponsor, sponsored others. Put on a great act. But he had two wives and two parallel families. In the will, he very carefuly set things up so that _neither_ wife would get anything. Even though both of them supported him financially for most of his adult life.

Oh yeah, and his second wife is actually a little younger than me :-)

Mike :-)
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Old 10-25-2004, 05:14 AM
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The thing about this is that I am not mad at him because I know he comes from somewhere broken too. He just never shares that part of himself and I am just now waking up to the fact that he never will. There is no one home in there to get close too. Oh, he shares his AA stories and jokes. We have gone to open meetings together. But boy if I ask the wrong question or act like I need some emotion from him he shuts down ar warp speed.

Mike...you DO know what I am talking about. I am sure there are some secrets that will be revealed when the time comes.

I sound like a spouse waiting for the good parts of his recovery when the fact is he is who he is. Shut down, closed up and deeply in denial. That leaves the ball in my court. One more thing I need to accept.

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