Do the wounds ever go away?! Will I EVER be normal?
Do the wounds ever go away?! Will I EVER be normal?
Last weekend, I got together with my aunt and uncle, cousins, and cousins' son and daughter. It was really nice. I don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like.
They don't know the extent of my parents' alcoholism/abuse/personality disorders and sibling abuse, and they've never asked. They may have hinted, but I struggle with picking up on hints. I don't know if this is common with ACoA? All they know is, how I acted when I was a kid. They focused on my actions, and couldn't care less the reasons behind why I always acted up like I did. (I truly was a good kid but acted up out of response to sick people's energy, words, treatment, and actions. It's hard to explain.)
We went to the town pool. I was aware of my social anxiety but I did the best I could in the moment. I think I made pleasant conversation. I tried to just be in the moment. People seemed comfortable around me I think.
I forgot to pack towels for myself. So I used one of theirs. My cousin's daughter wanted a big towel for her hair and one for her body. Being that I am finally not living in my own head as much anymore, without hesitation I offered her my towel. I was happy to be able to be helpful.
But then in the car, she said something that she was trying to be careful not to get the car seat wet. I hadn't even thought of that about myself. I'm glad she brought it up, because I wasn't even aware. But then once I was aware that I got the car seat all wet, I said something.
My aunt said, "PWTF-what-did-you-do?!?!" I paused. I couldn't tell if she was serious, or if she was just kidding around with me and treating me like she used to when I was younger. I got confused but not anxious. I just sort of stared at the wet seat when I got out of the car and didn't respond.
That wasn't a normal response, was it? Water on a car seat isn't a big deal, right? But I admit I was worrying a little during my car ride home after the visit--did it get moldy? Should I have asked her to turn the car back on so I could roll down the window and let it air out? Is the car going to stink now? Do they think I'm an absolute idiot or crazy for not remembering to pack a freaking TOWEL if I knew I was going to a pool???
How should I have responded? She was just joking, right? Just pulling my leg, because of how my family used to treat me? Should I have just laughed it off? Or was this on her, still treating me like that even though I'm an adult now, putting me back into my old role of how I used to be treated?
This is why I don't get invited to places.
Growing up in the environment that I did really messed me up.
I can't stand being a prisoner in my own head anymore.
When and how can I become normal?????
If one more therapist says to me "the answers are within" I am going to SCREAM. No. they're not. Not in here. The answers were all wiped out.
They don't know the extent of my parents' alcoholism/abuse/personality disorders and sibling abuse, and they've never asked. They may have hinted, but I struggle with picking up on hints. I don't know if this is common with ACoA? All they know is, how I acted when I was a kid. They focused on my actions, and couldn't care less the reasons behind why I always acted up like I did. (I truly was a good kid but acted up out of response to sick people's energy, words, treatment, and actions. It's hard to explain.)
We went to the town pool. I was aware of my social anxiety but I did the best I could in the moment. I think I made pleasant conversation. I tried to just be in the moment. People seemed comfortable around me I think.
I forgot to pack towels for myself. So I used one of theirs. My cousin's daughter wanted a big towel for her hair and one for her body. Being that I am finally not living in my own head as much anymore, without hesitation I offered her my towel. I was happy to be able to be helpful.
But then in the car, she said something that she was trying to be careful not to get the car seat wet. I hadn't even thought of that about myself. I'm glad she brought it up, because I wasn't even aware. But then once I was aware that I got the car seat all wet, I said something.
My aunt said, "PWTF-what-did-you-do?!?!" I paused. I couldn't tell if she was serious, or if she was just kidding around with me and treating me like she used to when I was younger. I got confused but not anxious. I just sort of stared at the wet seat when I got out of the car and didn't respond.
That wasn't a normal response, was it? Water on a car seat isn't a big deal, right? But I admit I was worrying a little during my car ride home after the visit--did it get moldy? Should I have asked her to turn the car back on so I could roll down the window and let it air out? Is the car going to stink now? Do they think I'm an absolute idiot or crazy for not remembering to pack a freaking TOWEL if I knew I was going to a pool???
How should I have responded? She was just joking, right? Just pulling my leg, because of how my family used to treat me? Should I have just laughed it off? Or was this on her, still treating me like that even though I'm an adult now, putting me back into my old role of how I used to be treated?
This is why I don't get invited to places.
Growing up in the environment that I did really messed me up.
I can't stand being a prisoner in my own head anymore.
When and how can I become normal?????
If one more therapist says to me "the answers are within" I am going to SCREAM. No. they're not. Not in here. The answers were all wiped out.
If someone is worried about their car seats, they should bring enough towels for everyone to sit on.
Let it go. The seat will dry.
When I start obsessing about what other people think about me, my own head becomes a torturous place.
Let it go. The seat will dry.
When I start obsessing about what other people think about me, my own head becomes a torturous place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Pathwaytofree... If you're open to a little sense of humor... read on... :-)
You mention your cousin's daughter got the seat wet... coming back from a swimming pool, if I have the facts correct? :-) Don't swimming pools have water in them? :-)
We've talked about this "Ad nausem" in here, but what's "normal" for a healthy family is different than normal for a dysfunctional family... Water on a car seat is not a big deal.
There's a good chance your aunt was well aware of the alcoholism in your parents. There's a good chance that your aunt grew up in a dysfunctional family. But, when you start to get "normal," the family gets "Afraid" that you'll "spill the beans" on your parents' (your aunt's brother or sister) behavior.
I "second" biminiblue's advice.
You mention your cousin's daughter got the seat wet... coming back from a swimming pool, if I have the facts correct? :-) Don't swimming pools have water in them? :-)
There's a good chance your aunt was well aware of the alcoholism in your parents. There's a good chance that your aunt grew up in a dysfunctional family. But, when you start to get "normal," the family gets "Afraid" that you'll "spill the beans" on your parents' (your aunt's brother or sister) behavior.
I "second" biminiblue's advice.
You mention your cousin's daughter got the seat wet... coming back from a swimming pool, if I have the facts correct? :-) Don't swimming pools have water in them? :-)
We've talked about this "Ad nausem" in here, but what's "normal" for a healthy family is different than normal for a dysfunctional family... Water on a car seat is not a big deal.
There's a good chance your aunt was well aware of the alcoholism in your parents. There's a good chance that your aunt grew up in a dysfunctional family. But, when you start to get "normal," the family gets "Afraid" that you'll "spill the beans" on your parents' (your aunt's brother or sister) behavior.
I wish I grew up in a family where if I got a car seat wet because I forgot a towel, that I could just let it go, no one would make a federal case over it, I could move on with my day, and not completely crush it because of all the lies to make me feel bad about myself. I would've done so much more in life I think and I wouldn't have projected my sh*t onto others who didn't deserve it.
Unfortunately when you grow up in a home in which an untreated alcoholic or a rageaholic makes you feel like water on a car seat is a HUUUUUUGGGGGGEEEE deal and you are an absolute crazy moron idiot bad child whatever for getting the car seat wet, it's hard to see the truth as an adult and you just question everything. It's draining and it sucks. I need to still work on self-validation, that part of me that needs to step back and say, "These people are either joking or they're bat sh*t crazy still."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Pathwaytofree:
I'm not sure I have a good answer to your question. I'm 67, and was late-in-life getting into therapy. I'm thinking, as I get older, I tend to laugh at a lot of the things I see. In my earlier days, and before therapy, I would have been very angry.
But... it's *much* easier to see the humor in someone else's predicament, than it is to see it when I'm the one being "attacked." [Replace "attack" for the word-du-jour that describes the predicament that one finds themselves in today... for someone in a dysfunctional family, tomorrow the "word" will be something different.]
I've read "Peanuts" since I was young, and I now also read "Family Circus" and "Garfield." I identify with Charlie Brown, and, for me, reading these cartoons daily shows me there's humor everywhere.
I've looked at my life and decided I don't want any caustic people in it... the people in my life have a direct impact on how I react to daily events. so I aggressively (maybe too aggressively) get them out of my life. I've partially retired, so this is easier for me to do than someone that is working full time, with a spouse and kids...
Kinda' rambling here.. hope this helps.
I'm not sure I have a good answer to your question. I'm 67, and was late-in-life getting into therapy. I'm thinking, as I get older, I tend to laugh at a lot of the things I see. In my earlier days, and before therapy, I would have been very angry.
But... it's *much* easier to see the humor in someone else's predicament, than it is to see it when I'm the one being "attacked." [Replace "attack" for the word-du-jour that describes the predicament that one finds themselves in today... for someone in a dysfunctional family, tomorrow the "word" will be something different.]
I've read "Peanuts" since I was young, and I now also read "Family Circus" and "Garfield." I identify with Charlie Brown, and, for me, reading these cartoons daily shows me there's humor everywhere.
I've looked at my life and decided I don't want any caustic people in it... the people in my life have a direct impact on how I react to daily events. so I aggressively (maybe too aggressively) get them out of my life. I've partially retired, so this is easier for me to do than someone that is working full time, with a spouse and kids...
Kinda' rambling here.. hope this helps.
Hi Pathwaytofree
Sounds like something my Dad would go off at - me, at 50, I have more important things to worry about
I can;t say if your cousin was joking or not. If she was, cool.
If not, as Bim said, she should have made sure everyone was sitting on a towel.
Either way I don't think it need be something to dwell over
D
Sounds like something my Dad would go off at - me, at 50, I have more important things to worry about
I can;t say if your cousin was joking or not. If she was, cool.
If not, as Bim said, she should have made sure everyone was sitting on a towel.
Either way I don't think it need be something to dwell over
D
But... it's *much* easier to see the humor in someone else's predicament, than it is to see it when I'm the one being "attacked." [Replace "attack" for the word-du-jour that describes the predicament that one finds themselves in today... for someone in a dysfunctional family, tomorrow the "word" will be something different.]
I've read "Peanuts" since I was young, and I now also read "Family Circus" and "Garfield." I identify with Charlie Brown, and, for me, reading these cartoons daily shows me there's humor everywhere.
I've looked at my life and decided I don't want any caustic people in it... the people in my life have a direct impact on how I react to daily events. so I aggressively (maybe too aggressively) get them out of my life. I've partially retired, so this is easier for me to do than someone that is working full time, with a spouse and kids...
Kinda' rambling here..
hope this helps.
I wish I knew but I don't. My family members all have strange senses of humor so I just don't know. Maybe they were waiting for me to laugh, as a nudge for me to say "yeah the way I was treated was crazy". Maybe the fact that I didn't laugh told them something they're not ready to face.
If not, as Bim said, she should have made sure everyone was sitting on a towel.
I agree Dee. :-) It helps me sometimes to get other people's opinions on things from an outside perspective so then I can let it go.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 09-01-2017 at 03:28 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I'm feeling confused - seat is wet and they remark about it. No one uses a towel to wipe down said seat? like, "hey, the seat is wet - here's a towel to wipe it - or they just wipe it" - tons of solutions that don't require berating anyone.
Regardless, it is a minor thing to get in a huff about.
People that are feeling really healthy in their lives won't let minor imperfections in life get in the way of a friendship, relationship, etc. I don't fully understand it because it's IMPOSSIBLE to be perfect. All too easy to catch someone making a mistake.
Do they want a medal for this or something? Like, "ooh" you've discovered how terrible I am as a person.
Give me a break.
But, black-and-white thinking does that - it helps to see things from the outside to understand.
My counselor once even described more clearly (my mother-in-law walked out of a restaurant when she made a suggestion to me about packing for our trip and I declined the suggestion - all in a huff - when I messaged her about what we would do about it - she went off in a rant about how "I'm nothing to you" etc etc - crazy talk stuff) --
He said, in black-and-white thinking there's no in-between - AT ALL.
So, let's play this out
You are RIGHT - or, You're WRONG.
You are anything and everything to someone - their shining beacon of light. OR - you're nothing. bottom of the dirt pile lower than a snake's tail in a wagon rut,e tc.
You are brilliant or You are stupid
You are crazy or you are sane
You are angry or you are calm
etc, etc.
So, when I disagreed with my mother-in-law - she swung the pendulum from what she wanted (everything in thotful's eyes) to way extreme other side - to nothing.
So, mountains out of molehills (water on a seat) and molehills out of mountains (oh, they don't drink THAT much), etc.
Thanks for this - it gave me opportunity to think this through.
Try to give yourself the patience and breathing room to make mistakes that you wish others would give you. It really helps.
Regardless, it is a minor thing to get in a huff about.
People that are feeling really healthy in their lives won't let minor imperfections in life get in the way of a friendship, relationship, etc. I don't fully understand it because it's IMPOSSIBLE to be perfect. All too easy to catch someone making a mistake.
Do they want a medal for this or something? Like, "ooh" you've discovered how terrible I am as a person.
Give me a break.
But, black-and-white thinking does that - it helps to see things from the outside to understand.
My counselor once even described more clearly (my mother-in-law walked out of a restaurant when she made a suggestion to me about packing for our trip and I declined the suggestion - all in a huff - when I messaged her about what we would do about it - she went off in a rant about how "I'm nothing to you" etc etc - crazy talk stuff) --
He said, in black-and-white thinking there's no in-between - AT ALL.
So, let's play this out
You are RIGHT - or, You're WRONG.
You are anything and everything to someone - their shining beacon of light. OR - you're nothing. bottom of the dirt pile lower than a snake's tail in a wagon rut,e tc.
You are brilliant or You are stupid
You are crazy or you are sane
You are angry or you are calm
etc, etc.
So, when I disagreed with my mother-in-law - she swung the pendulum from what she wanted (everything in thotful's eyes) to way extreme other side - to nothing.
So, mountains out of molehills (water on a seat) and molehills out of mountains (oh, they don't drink THAT much), etc.
Thanks for this - it gave me opportunity to think this through.
Try to give yourself the patience and breathing room to make mistakes that you wish others would give you. It really helps.
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