Loss Events in Dysfunctional Families

Old 10-30-2004, 10:22 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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As mothers, it is our job, our duty to protect our children...when they are children.
I think the other part of this very difficult job is letting them go when they grow up.
Letting them go out there and do whatever it is they have to do.
Letting them know that we are confident that they can make it on their own.
Being supportive, yet expressing the belief that they have their wings and they can fly.
None of this is easy stuff.
None of it.
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Old 10-30-2004, 11:01 AM
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Sigh, you have amazing insight. Yet the struggle to let go of feeling responsible remains. I understand the feelings you have and I think I would feel much the same way. That doesn't make it right, mind you, it just means we have a bit more recovery work to do.

I'm struggling with the loss of a marriage and feeling responsible and unworthy, even though I know my husband can not be expected to act in a responsible and healthy way until he finds recovery. To escape reality he has found another woman to enable and rescue him, who refuses to give up on him, in spite of the huge amount of baggage he's trying to avoid. To hear the details of their relationship is eerie. He has managed to recreate the relationship he and I had five years ago. He is stuck in an addict/codie relationship cycle that will continue until he's ready to face his demons and get real help. There's no room for me in that cycle. I choose to get off the merry-go-round, since neither one of them can.

I have all this insight, yet it still hurts and part of me still feels unworthy of being loved. Why is that?
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Old 10-30-2004, 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Gabe
As mothers, it is our job, our duty to protect our children...when they are children.
I think the other part of this very difficult job is letting them go when they grow up.
Letting them go out there and do whatever it is they have to do.
Letting them know that we are confident that they can make it on their own.
Being supportive, yet expressing the belief that they have their wings and they can fly.
None of this is easy stuff.
None of it.
Gabe, I think you are right but what you say sounds to me like the 'normal' pattern of mother and child. When you are dealing with an addicted adult/child you are very aware that addicts do not 'grow up'. If they are 24, 34, 42, they can still be 'emotionally' 16.

They do not start to grow up again emotionally, shift into becoming true adults until they seek out recovery.

They often do not seek out recovery until AFTER we have had to let them go. It's not a normal cycle.

We still must follow that pattern, the letting them go, the being supportive, expressing the belief they can handle their own lives. We have to have 'faith' they can make it on their own, because it's too difficult to have 'confidence'.

sigh
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Old 10-30-2004, 11:50 AM
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Good point about the arrested development Sigh.
That must make a big difference in the letting go issues that parents of addicts must face.
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Old 10-30-2004, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by journeygal
I have all this insight, yet it still hurts and part of me still feels unworthy of being loved. Why is that?
Journey,

I don't know.

The only thing I can come up with is within my own personal experience.

I find I am capable of grasping quickly the recovery concepts and understanding what I need to do, to actively do to put them in place. I am capable of changing my own behavior. I will not actively or passively contribute to my son's addiction. I also have a desire not to allow his addiction to pull me into it's darkness and it almost did, and it could again, if I allow it.

I also find that grasping and implementing the concepts is not enough.
I find my 'emotional' self scrambling hard, very hard to 'catch up'.

Like Gabe said... "None of this is easy stuff"

warm hugs

sigh
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Old 10-30-2004, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by journeygal
... I have all this insight, yet it still hurts and part of me still feels unworthy of being loved. Why is that?
For me it's because the mind understands, but does not feel. The heart feels, but does not understand. It takes time and love for the understandings of the mind to reach my heart and be accepted. I heard from a very wise friend today that the most difficult journey is the one from the mind to the heart. For me that is very true. The more time and love that I give my own heart, the sooner it will heal, just like with any injury. But if I keep picking at it and expecting it to just get up and go without proper recovery it will _never_ heal.

What helps me the most is to reach out to others who hurt more than I do. There's no shortage of them at my meetings. It's the best pain-killer I've found yet.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)
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Old 10-31-2004, 01:21 AM
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Sigh,

I've felt and understand everything you are saying. It's a very hard process for us.

JG,

What part of you feels unworthy of being loved?
 
Old 10-31-2004, 03:51 AM
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Oh MG, this is an old tape that's been playing in my head for a long long time. It plays at a much quieter volume these days and I don't hear it very often, but when stuff like this happens and I start to question my self-worth, it winds back up.

Mike, what you said makes a lot of sense. I also know that my heart won't heal on its own. Not only do I need time to work through all of this stuff, I need to lean on others while I do. Like you guys.

((((((Sigh)))))) Yup, this stuff sure ain't easy...
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Old 10-31-2004, 04:36 AM
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I also find that grasping and implementing the concepts is not enough.
I find my 'emotional' self scrambling hard, very hard to 'catch up'.
Sigh,

Having been around this program for as long as I have I have recently realized that it is all a process. My "emotional self" is coming around. I have found myself following my son's lead. The more he lives in his addiction the more I find myself progressing in my recovery. He is living, breathing proof that I have no power. He has single handedly shut up the committee...he did it, not me.

Me? I came from dysfunction and lived most of my adult life in dysfunction. Fighting, drinking, drugs, holes in walls, slammed doors, broken dishes, ruined dinners...all in the name of trying to get my needs met. I am ripe for the pickin' when my son tries to place blame. All I have in my defense is living the right way today.

MG said something about putting all of her eggs in one basket. That is something that, even thinking about it, makes me anxious. I am a "one foot out the door" kind of gal. I always have an egg or two stashed. I have no idea what that is about. Healthy? Unhealthy? Somewhere I learned not to trust anyone 100% with my "self".

Hugs,
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Old 10-31-2004, 07:58 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gabe
The best offense being a good defense, I tried this one too. And it worked for the most part. It gave my kids a stable, happy home to grow up in. However, it didn't erase the baggage I was still carrying around from my own dysfunctional childhood. That stuff only got put down when I decided I was more than tired of lugging it around.
Morning Glory "We've kept it a secret for much too long"


Sometimes I have to read things here over and over before I really hear what is being said to me.

Gabe, I did think that on some level that the best offense is a good defense. I wonder how I managed to be so cool and caculating in reveiwing my past. Somehow at a very young age I was able to look at it objectively and say, Ok I know what NOT to do.

I honestly felt that the past should not be denied it was also best not overly inspected. I said, this was not ok and I walked away. There were good times also and somehow I 'made' them my past reality. Does that make me an imposter? I don't know.

Perhaps I did deal with the past effectively, but I kept the past a secret. I never talked about it, never. I walked out of my parents home and was married three weeks after I turned 21. Between that time and since coming to SR I have never spoken of the 'things that were not ok'.

I even had trouble sliding over into this forum. I am not an angry person, in fact sometimes I have trouble finding my anger even when it should be justified. Yet, just speaking here, identifying myself someone who grew up in a home with active addiction at first made me angry, really angry. I don't know where it all came from.

Perhaps it makes me angry because I decided long ago not to be a 'victim' of my past, my past had no right to color my future, I could determine my future alllllll byyyyyy myyyyyy self.

Perhaps all I need to do is 'spill' my secrets.

I suspect I'm rambling, thinking out loud. I'm still trapped in my own head a bit.

Hugs

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Old 10-31-2004, 11:07 AM
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Originally posted by Sigh -

"Addiction often strikes in the teen years and slides fast forward and past the time the addicts should mature into adults. Addiction often stalls this emotional growth and as parents we end up with adult/children. I think this continues, extends our protective cycle past the normal point it should have shifted into our understanding that as adults they are quite capable to care for themselves."
As Sigh so eloquently put it, I have come to this same realization myself recently. Yes, my sons are stunted emotionally, but now I see my part in keeping them there. I tend to treat them as teenagers even though they are 25 and 27. I know this is because of their past choices and my lack of confidence in them making good choices. Our relationship has never grown to the adult stage. So recognizing the problem is a start ... breaking the cycle is much harder.

hugs,

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Old 11-01-2004, 04:40 PM
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well as a son of a dysfunctional mother, i saw how much she suffered at the hands of my alco father but it was just history repating as my mums father was abusive to her too. and i have nearly done the same thing being attracted to alcoholics myself!!

she was with him for 20 years and i admired the strength and saw her as a saint and focused on making sure she was happy but i forgot myself there. i only realised in recovery that she was HUMAN and then i loved her more because i saw her humanity and imperfections (god forbid) and lloved her because she tried her best to do what she could for us even at the price of her own happiness. Yes it did teach me to sacrifice my own happiness for others but thats changing slowly and ive learnt to respect myself and just not put up with some ****
i sometimes wonder if she feels guilty but its not my cross to bear, just have to visualise it as healed release it to god and have faith that my Higher power will pull me through. im letting go now even though i think she let go of my dad a long time ago
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