I was terrified at my after school jobs
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I was terrified at my after school jobs
I don't know why this memory popped into my head this morning. Again here's something I never discussed in therapy. Too painful I guess. But I have SR to thank for all this self-awareness I'm gaining from communicating silently by typing and connecting with you all without the F2F stuff that's so anxiety provoking.
Anyways, I've worked since I was 16. I have had many different jobs. I did a work-school program thing where there was this guy that posted jobs at the high school, and he'd be the go between for schedules, paychecks, etc. I never missed a day of work. I was always on time. I never goofed off.
One of the jobs I had was from 2:30-5:30. My mother would pick me up from school and drive me. It was at a small company in a local town. I sat in the company's break room. My job was to take the postcard mailers of people checking off what information brochures they wanted of the things our company sold. I had a typewriter to use to type up the labels. I sat in the corner chair, closest to the room with the shelves of information brochures.
I had no idea what I was doing. The stuff they sold was something I knew nothing about. But I guess I really didn't need to know much since I was just mailing information brochures.
I sat in absolute terror every day of making a mistake, yet I was also in absolute terror of asking a question. I thought I was supposed to know everything they told me on the first day, and do it. But of course it was hard to learn and listen to what they were teaching me, because I was in sheer terror and anxiety of not being able to remember everything they were telling me. This is so hard to write about.
The thing is, everyone there were the nicest, warmest, kindest, friendliest people you'd ever meet!!! They acted and treated me the exact opposite of how my rageaholic mother treated me (she had other mental health stuff going on, she was very cruel, evil and abusive). I just went online to see out of curiosity if the company's still in business and they're not. Anyway, no one yelled at me, raged at me, told me I wasn't allowed to ask questions or make any mistakes. No one said I'd be fired if I did. They did everything in their power to help me see that. And yet, every day, I'd come in, quiet, terrified, anxious, and sat in my chair and felt so very alone.
There were a couple of postcards where the person wrote extra stuff on them and I had no idea what they wanted. I only understood stuff if a box was checked, and then I could find the label on the shelf. I would just see those postcards, cringe, sit there in sheer terror, and just want the postcard to go away. I'd put it back on the bottom of my pile. WTF was wrong with me?! Why couldn't I just ask someone, "I'm not sure what this request means or what they want. Could you help me?" Looking back I know it's worse that the person didn't get their brochure request mailed out.
My supervisor was a nice woman but she was a woman so that automatically meant she reminded me of my rageaholic mother. She did try to be kind to me, too. But I'll never forget one day she ran into me at a new job of mine that I had over the summer. She was friendly but a little uncomfortable. I could tell she was staring at me, as if she was thinking "What is the deal exactly with PTF"? I wish I could've opened up my mouth right then and there and say "I DIDN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES ON PURPOSE!! I DID THE BEST I COULD!! I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!! I WAS JUST IN SHEER TERROR OF ASKING FOR HELP OR BEING YELLED AT!! I AM SO SORRY IF I LET YOU DOWN!!" Ugh. :-(
These people were so nice to me. They gave me huge big warm greetings every day. They'd ask me if I was cold, or needed anything, or wanted to make hot cocoa. One of the maintenance guys who used to walk through the kitchen a few times a day (oh my gosh I just remembered his name!!!) was super nice and cheerful. One day he even said to me so kindly, "Hey PTF. Why don't you bring in a little radio to play here while you work?" I had a little portable AM/FM radio at home, but I was too scared to bring it in. I thought it was a bad thing to do, listen to music while working. So I didn't. But there were many days I wished he'd just bring in a radio and gently put it next to my typewriter and smile. I would've loved to have had music those three hours. It would've drowned out all of my mom's tapes playing in my head.
On Christmas, these kind people included me in their party. They even bought me gifts!!!! I remember going home with a big pile of stuff and just being in utter shock. I was given the same gifts that the other employees were given. I felt so unworthy of them. I was full of shame that I sucked at my job and was too afraid to ask for help. I am certain I sent out the wrong brochures to people many times. I felt like such a failure and an idiot.
I can picture many of them in my head as I type this. It was a very long time ago and I don't remember everyone, but I remember a handful of the employees I saw frequently. I am teary eyed remembering their big warm smiles, their friendliness, they're trying to make small talk with me as they came into the kitchen for coffee. I had so much trouble accepting it because it was so foreign to me, but I absolutely took in every ounce of it as if it was oxygen.
This sounds so stupid I know. I think I am dying here to know if anyone else out there knows what I'm talking about and experienced this.
I'm also trying hard not to be resentful at myself right now. The thoughts of "what was wrong with you, why the f*ck couldn't you have just asked for help if you weren't sure about something?! No one was going to yell at you! You weren't going to get fired for asking a question! Why were you so terrified over a stupid after school job?!"
Ugh. :-(
Anyways, I've worked since I was 16. I have had many different jobs. I did a work-school program thing where there was this guy that posted jobs at the high school, and he'd be the go between for schedules, paychecks, etc. I never missed a day of work. I was always on time. I never goofed off.
One of the jobs I had was from 2:30-5:30. My mother would pick me up from school and drive me. It was at a small company in a local town. I sat in the company's break room. My job was to take the postcard mailers of people checking off what information brochures they wanted of the things our company sold. I had a typewriter to use to type up the labels. I sat in the corner chair, closest to the room with the shelves of information brochures.
I had no idea what I was doing. The stuff they sold was something I knew nothing about. But I guess I really didn't need to know much since I was just mailing information brochures.
I sat in absolute terror every day of making a mistake, yet I was also in absolute terror of asking a question. I thought I was supposed to know everything they told me on the first day, and do it. But of course it was hard to learn and listen to what they were teaching me, because I was in sheer terror and anxiety of not being able to remember everything they were telling me. This is so hard to write about.
The thing is, everyone there were the nicest, warmest, kindest, friendliest people you'd ever meet!!! They acted and treated me the exact opposite of how my rageaholic mother treated me (she had other mental health stuff going on, she was very cruel, evil and abusive). I just went online to see out of curiosity if the company's still in business and they're not. Anyway, no one yelled at me, raged at me, told me I wasn't allowed to ask questions or make any mistakes. No one said I'd be fired if I did. They did everything in their power to help me see that. And yet, every day, I'd come in, quiet, terrified, anxious, and sat in my chair and felt so very alone.
There were a couple of postcards where the person wrote extra stuff on them and I had no idea what they wanted. I only understood stuff if a box was checked, and then I could find the label on the shelf. I would just see those postcards, cringe, sit there in sheer terror, and just want the postcard to go away. I'd put it back on the bottom of my pile. WTF was wrong with me?! Why couldn't I just ask someone, "I'm not sure what this request means or what they want. Could you help me?" Looking back I know it's worse that the person didn't get their brochure request mailed out.
My supervisor was a nice woman but she was a woman so that automatically meant she reminded me of my rageaholic mother. She did try to be kind to me, too. But I'll never forget one day she ran into me at a new job of mine that I had over the summer. She was friendly but a little uncomfortable. I could tell she was staring at me, as if she was thinking "What is the deal exactly with PTF"? I wish I could've opened up my mouth right then and there and say "I DIDN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES ON PURPOSE!! I DID THE BEST I COULD!! I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!! I WAS JUST IN SHEER TERROR OF ASKING FOR HELP OR BEING YELLED AT!! I AM SO SORRY IF I LET YOU DOWN!!" Ugh. :-(
These people were so nice to me. They gave me huge big warm greetings every day. They'd ask me if I was cold, or needed anything, or wanted to make hot cocoa. One of the maintenance guys who used to walk through the kitchen a few times a day (oh my gosh I just remembered his name!!!) was super nice and cheerful. One day he even said to me so kindly, "Hey PTF. Why don't you bring in a little radio to play here while you work?" I had a little portable AM/FM radio at home, but I was too scared to bring it in. I thought it was a bad thing to do, listen to music while working. So I didn't. But there were many days I wished he'd just bring in a radio and gently put it next to my typewriter and smile. I would've loved to have had music those three hours. It would've drowned out all of my mom's tapes playing in my head.
On Christmas, these kind people included me in their party. They even bought me gifts!!!! I remember going home with a big pile of stuff and just being in utter shock. I was given the same gifts that the other employees were given. I felt so unworthy of them. I was full of shame that I sucked at my job and was too afraid to ask for help. I am certain I sent out the wrong brochures to people many times. I felt like such a failure and an idiot.
I can picture many of them in my head as I type this. It was a very long time ago and I don't remember everyone, but I remember a handful of the employees I saw frequently. I am teary eyed remembering their big warm smiles, their friendliness, they're trying to make small talk with me as they came into the kitchen for coffee. I had so much trouble accepting it because it was so foreign to me, but I absolutely took in every ounce of it as if it was oxygen.
This sounds so stupid I know. I think I am dying here to know if anyone else out there knows what I'm talking about and experienced this.
I'm also trying hard not to be resentful at myself right now. The thoughts of "what was wrong with you, why the f*ck couldn't you have just asked for help if you weren't sure about something?! No one was going to yell at you! You weren't going to get fired for asking a question! Why were you so terrified over a stupid after school job?!"
Ugh. :-(
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I read this and was nodding my head all the way through.
Yep. Me, too. Not the same job of course, but the constant terror of making mistakes but feeling like they hired me to do that job, so I should know walking in how to do that job.
I think it comes from growing up in a home where love is not only conditional, it's not to be trusted when it's given, anyway. My parents always said we were so lucky and happy...but why was my dad so mad all the time? Why was my mom so oblivious?
You sound like you were a sensitive, perceptive child and possibly an introvert, like me? Have you read anything about Highly Sensitive People or being an empath? We tend to read the truth behind facades and be extremely sensitive to nuance and others' emotions. It makes us nervous because we know at an early age that what people say doesn't match what they think.
So we're nervous about expectations and not meeting them and not even knowing what they really are. And we don't really trust it when people are nice to us because we don't want to rely on it...it goes away, right?
I get it. I really do.
You write beautifully, BTW.
Sending you a hug.
Yep. Me, too. Not the same job of course, but the constant terror of making mistakes but feeling like they hired me to do that job, so I should know walking in how to do that job.
I think it comes from growing up in a home where love is not only conditional, it's not to be trusted when it's given, anyway. My parents always said we were so lucky and happy...but why was my dad so mad all the time? Why was my mom so oblivious?
You sound like you were a sensitive, perceptive child and possibly an introvert, like me? Have you read anything about Highly Sensitive People or being an empath? We tend to read the truth behind facades and be extremely sensitive to nuance and others' emotions. It makes us nervous because we know at an early age that what people say doesn't match what they think.
So we're nervous about expectations and not meeting them and not even knowing what they really are. And we don't really trust it when people are nice to us because we don't want to rely on it...it goes away, right?
I get it. I really do.
You write beautifully, BTW.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
I read this and was nodding my head all the way through.
Yep. Me, too. Not the same job of course, but the constant terror of making mistakes but feeling like they hired me to do that job, so I should know walking in how to do that job.
I think it comes from growing up in a home where love is not only conditional, it's not to be trusted when it's given, anyway. My parents always said we were so lucky and happy...but why was my dad so mad all the time? Why was my mom so oblivious?
Love in my house was definitely conditional, to the extreme.
Plus, love to my mother was "I feed you, I cloth you properly, you have a roof over your head, I pick you up and drive you home. So I'm an excellent mother."
You sound like you were a sensitive, perceptive child and possibly an introvert, like me? Have you read anything about Highly Sensitive People or being an empath?
We tend to read the truth behind facades and be extremely sensitive to nuance and others' emotions. It makes us nervous because we know at an early age that what people say doesn't match what they think.
I did often sense from an early age that what people said didn't match what people think. I could usually tell that with my mother. But I couldn't understand it, and it made me anxious. Why was she saying things that weren't true. I think it bothered her, too, that I sensed she wasn't being honest. She needed complete power and control over me. Even if she tried to compliment me on something, I could tell by her tone of voice, speed of speaking, inflection I think is the word, and body language that she was lying. I didn't pay good attention or observe carefully on purpose. It's hard to explain. It was more a "sixth sense" that I didn't even realize I had. I don't even process it in the moment. It's subconscious. Imagine the gift I'd have if I brought this into my consciousness as a skill! lol
Interestingly enough, I was introverted at school or around others, but with my friends I was loud and hyper. So I always thought I was an extrovert. It wasn't until after my spiritual awakening in my recovery that I see now how very much my true self is an introvert. It's bizarre really. When I lived in my facade, I craved being around friends and all that. I wanted to internalize their upbeat energy I think.
So we're nervous about expectations and not meeting them and not even knowing what they really are.
One time at a job a friend of mine said something like "Oh you're just too good to ask for help, you're being a martyr by not asking, you're trying to show how smart you are" or something like that. I forgot his exact words but it hurt a lot because I knew at the moment I was sorely misunderstood and had no idea how to explain the truth.
And we don't really trust it when people are nice to us because we don't want to rely on it...it goes away, right?
I swear I took in their genuine sincere kindness like oxygen. But no I didn't trust it, because I knew that it would end the second I did something wrong for them to get mad at me and change their opinion of me. So no I couldn't rely it on or use it as a tool to give me confidence. I must've frustrated the heck out of them because they were probably thinking "Why isn't our kindness working to make PTF be more comfortable here?" Ugh. :-(
I get it. I really do.
You write beautifully, BTW.
Sending you a hug.
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One time at another job I had just started, the head manager came over with a big smile on her face and complimented me sincerely about what a great job I was doing. I was so extremely uncomfortable over it, that I almost had a panic attack. She looked at me like I was nuts, stood there trying to process my behavior, and never looked at me the same way again. Back then, nothing was known about anxiety so I guess she thought I must've been doing something bad behind her back or something. Back then anxiety meant you were hiding something or lying. It's so f*cked up.
At another job, my boss's boss's boss somehow sensed that although I was extremely anxious, that I was in fact a good person and not doing anything bad. I don't know how. I was a nervous wreck around her. She was extremely intelligent, serious, and intimidating. I didn't owe her an amends according to my sponsor (although I felt like I did because I wasn't able to be a better worker for her) but I wish I could write her a thank you note or something. It might be awkward though. I could easily find her name and work address. If I could I would write: "Thank you for seeing thru the anxiety that I really was trying to do the best I could do for you. I am sorry my anxiety kept me from being a better employee for you."
With my direct boss, she dealt with my anxiety with humor I think, like "oh that's just PTF." She didn't understand it but I think she somehow knew I wasn't making mistakes on purpose because I was lazy or bad. Some days my anxiety was so bad, that I literally could not process what she was asking me to do. I used to run to the bathroom all the time because I had a nervous bladder and a nervous stomach.
One time my boss was on vacation. I did a project for my boss's boss. One day when she was back, she and my boss told me to come into her office. I nearly lost it. I thought I was going to get fired or something for sucking at my job. My boss told me later that her boss said to her, "Was PTF okay? She was white as a ghost in my office." I'm not sure if I was able to say anything in reply.
It sucks seeing how much I let all my fears get in the way of doing a good job. I just wish I could've explained better what was going on. I wish I got the help I needed back then. I just couldn't see what was really going on inside of me to get it out and work on it.
My depression and anxiety did not make for a good employee, or a good friend, for that matter. People don't know about that sort of thing. They just see the outside of it, and don't usually care what the reason is.
At another job, my boss's boss's boss somehow sensed that although I was extremely anxious, that I was in fact a good person and not doing anything bad. I don't know how. I was a nervous wreck around her. She was extremely intelligent, serious, and intimidating. I didn't owe her an amends according to my sponsor (although I felt like I did because I wasn't able to be a better worker for her) but I wish I could write her a thank you note or something. It might be awkward though. I could easily find her name and work address. If I could I would write: "Thank you for seeing thru the anxiety that I really was trying to do the best I could do for you. I am sorry my anxiety kept me from being a better employee for you."
With my direct boss, she dealt with my anxiety with humor I think, like "oh that's just PTF." She didn't understand it but I think she somehow knew I wasn't making mistakes on purpose because I was lazy or bad. Some days my anxiety was so bad, that I literally could not process what she was asking me to do. I used to run to the bathroom all the time because I had a nervous bladder and a nervous stomach.
One time my boss was on vacation. I did a project for my boss's boss. One day when she was back, she and my boss told me to come into her office. I nearly lost it. I thought I was going to get fired or something for sucking at my job. My boss told me later that her boss said to her, "Was PTF okay? She was white as a ghost in my office." I'm not sure if I was able to say anything in reply.
It sucks seeing how much I let all my fears get in the way of doing a good job. I just wish I could've explained better what was going on. I wish I got the help I needed back then. I just couldn't see what was really going on inside of me to get it out and work on it.
My depression and anxiety did not make for a good employee, or a good friend, for that matter. People don't know about that sort of thing. They just see the outside of it, and don't usually care what the reason is.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
You did a good job. So did I.
We didn't do a perfect job, because no one does...but forgiving ourselves for those inevitable missteps is the hard part.
Have another hug!
I'm embarrassed that I said all that but I guess it needed to get out. But now that it's out how do you recommend I resolve it and put it to rest? I really want to learn how to get over this stuff already and not give it so much power anymore.
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