hearthealth

I understand that validation and inner happiness is an inside job. (But) Isn't your family suppose to be supportive, loving, and a source of one's happiness? If they are not is it about perception? Asking if I'm just not accepting and smiling enough through their interaction. How does one find inner peace?

DesertEyes

Hello hearthealth, and welcome to this little corner of recovery

This is a very small and quiet forum, people check in about once a week. So if you don't get a lot of replies right away please don't feel ignored.

If you look thru the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum you will find a lot of good information that might be useful to you.

Mike

Spalding

One thing Ive learned is that our expectations, and the things we are taught about what a family is, or should be, isn't always the reality.

It hurts when it doesn't match up to what we feel it should be. It's normal to grieve for that. Resisting our reality is where suffering comes in. I would say, if you are not receiving the love and support you need from family, then perhaps see if you can surround yourself by caring friends, or seek out support in the form of counselling.

Finding inner peace? I wish I had the answer to that one. I think a step toward it is learning to recognize and accept what we can, and cannot change.

Sending you lots of love, know that you have me in your corner!

PurpleKnight

I think there's a difference in what should be the case and what many of us experience to be the reality.

The day I stopped looking to my family to be supportive, loving and a source of peace . . . ironically I finally found a little peace in my life, I continually longed for something that never was or ever came, I was always waiting and becoming frustrated over it, but when I finally let go and started living life on my own terms, the chains were lifted off.

It also works the other way too, to smile and nod, and not say the things a family member may need to hear, it's not about that either, for me it's about taking your own life in your own hands, and start living it, and if others are with you or not, then that's their problem, that's their own search for inner peace.

Great to have you here, there's plenty of support when you need it!!

Ariesagain

What can mess you up for a long, long time is having that expectation, getting quite the opposite (judgment, criticism, mean comments), and being told that this behavior is because they love you.

So you grow up not knowing what love is or validation really is and not trusting your instincts.

Later this week I have to go deal with my elderly parents, my father the controlling nasty person (who can be oh so charming when things are going his way) and my mother, Queen of Denial, who erases his nasty behavior from her brain the second it happens and tells everyone what a lucky, happy family we are.

They can make me insane, NGL.

So to answer your question...I try not to ever expect validation from them. That's on me. But having them insist that they are loving and encouraging and my perceptions are just wrong...that's on them.

They are what they are and I do my best. But don't ever let anyone convince you your reactions aren't valid.

soinlove

What I've found in my family & experience is that they give as much support& love as they know how, which may or may not be enough for you, however it may be all that they can do. Once I realized and accepted that part from each of them, I was able to find a lot more peace within me. (Still working on it in other parts of life tho!) Good luck to you