lapindenoel

Hi everyone,
I have an ethical question for you.

I have no/low contact with my father since this fall, I say low because he always leaves me messages on my phone and I listen to some days later (because I don't want to be overwhelm with what he as to say.. if it's nasty or not). I want to talk to him again soon but the last time he said too much and I'm still not solid enough to forgive and take care of myself at the same time.

Lately, he left 6 messages on a night, that I listened a week later. He told me that he wanted to give me and my siblings money that he received from his taxes and that if I don't call him I wont have any!
As you can guess 6 messages later that was not pretty to hear.. (why won't you call me .. if you want our money.. blablabla)

That didn't affect me that much .. I was more sorry for him that anything and I couldn't care less about the money.
Some days later my sister went to visit him and told him that those messages were terrible and that we didn't want money but a father who is nice and sober.
He called me to say he was sorry, I thought about calling him back but I know I'm not strong enough for that.
This weekend my brother went to see him (for easter) and he wrote 3 cheques for all of us.

Now I have it.. and I just don't know what to do with it.
Part of me wants to take it and thanks him (later) because I know that he likes to give us gift when he can.
and part of me don't want to because
1. I feel cheap and I don't want to him make me feel cheap as usual
2. I think he will use that against me later.

He called me yesterday... saying I have until monday to cash the money otherwise he will put it in his saving account.

So do I destroy the thing or accept it?

TimeForMe

How can he use it against you later? And how do you feel cheap? Is it a lot of money, as in it would make your life a little easier for a bit, or is it a small token?

Without knowing the answers to these questions, and just going from my own feeling, I would accept it and send a straight-forward thank you email ("thank you for the gift, I appreciate it").

AnvilheadII

just me, i'd be hard pressed to accept money from someone i won't even pick up the phone and speak to if they call me. it sounds like he's trying to BUY you guys interest and affection, rather than facing what the real problem is. plus he has made a veiled threat that if the check is not accepted by X date, he withdraws the "offer".

i wouldn't do it.

suki44883

I'm ornery enough to cash the check and then donate it to a favorite charity and have them send the thank you card to dad.

Ariesagain

And pick a charity he'd HATE.

But yeah, I'm evil like that.

lapindenoel

Thanks everyone
The amount would make my life easier, it's not that big... but enough to make a difference.
I appreciate the diversity of each person's reaction.. it all reflect what I have in mind: Take it and say thanks, be weary that he wants to "buy us"
or use it for a greater good. That mean there is not a "good" answer in that situation. I will wait.. this week I'm seeing my therapist and will discuss with him about it.

ajarlson

While I was still talking to my mom and helping her out I had no qualms about accepting any of the money she would give me. It wasn't much, 100 here 100 there. Once I went no contact I would not have accepted, not that she would have offered LOL. But every situation is different and I, too, would have talked it over with my therapist if she had offered while I was NC.

tromboneliness

Take it to the bank. Alkie attempts at manipulation don't deserve to put us in an ethical tizzy -- that's exactly what they're designed to do. You have no obligation or need to explain -- in fact, you're justified in classifying it as "combat pay," which is how I view the cash I got from my Dad. Minor payback for 47 years of rage, alcoholism, and control.

T

blueflower17

Accept!)