Katyb123

Hi all,
I was after some advice with my boyfriend and his acoa issues.
I wont bore you all with the details. But we had a row in which i 'pushed him away' and rejected him.
On refection the worse thing i could do to someone strugglging with acoa traits. But i didnt know all the 'info' and pitfulls at the time...
He is now in compleate 'shutdown' mode. Wont commicate with me. And 'doesnt wish to discuss anything with me' - 'please stop contacting me'
'Im fine' - 'i dont know what you want me to do/say'
(Have people heard these words before?!)
I have tried to show that i am here for him when he is ready. That he is cared for and loved.
I have no commicated for a few weeks now.
I am confused because he was very clear he waned to sell our apartment and move on with that. But doesnt seem to even want to do that now.
Which seems odd?

Has anyone had this 'shutdown'/stonewalling' with their acoa partner before. (I read its quite common?!)
Is there anything that helped the situation?
Is it better to leave someone alone or keep letting them know they are wanted/loved/cared for?
Have any acoa'a themselves found that they wanted to be left alone or actually deep down desired reassurance from their partner?

I care and love for him so much. I just want to be able to talk. To move forward. Regardless of the outcome....

PhoenixJ

No advice- but empathy and support

DesertEyes

Hello Katyb123, and welcome to our corner of recovery. This is a very small and quiet forum, the "regulars" check in about once a week so please don't feel ignored if it takes a few days to get replies to your questions.

Well, if I may disagree with you on that point. If your b/f did not properly explain what he is struggling with, and how you can best support him then it is not your responsibility to somehow guess what is going on inside his mind.

That is the best thing you can do for an ACoA. It seems to me just from your post that you are doing all the right things and making an honest effort to deal with the issue.

I sure have, but never for that long. A day or two at most.

What is best is to get some outside help. You don't mention if he is in any kind of recovery program, or seeing a therapist. Is he "self-medicating" his emotions by taking any kind of drug, alcohol, or even ordinary diet pills? All of these could have an impact on his emotions.

How about you? What are you doing to provide support for you? At the top of this forum we have a series of "sticky" threads that contain a lot of information you may find useful. You mention that you have done some reading on the subject, unfortunately there are not many books specifically for the partners of ACoA's.

I recommend this one, even though it is not specifically for partners. I think it is very good at explaining the issues from the perspective of a long term relationship.

Struggle for Intimacy (Adult Children of Alcoholics series)
by Janet Geringer Woititz

https://www.amazon.com/Struggle-Inti...VDVXME5AA6PQ25

from that link you'll be able to browse and find other books specific for partners of ACoA's.

I'm glad that you found us, and I am sorry you had a need to. Please feel free to post any additional questions

Mike

Katyb123

Also, has anyone read 'the beys' book on 'loving an acoa' ? Very good for partners of acoa's. Dr tian dayton's books/articles and podcasts and jerry wise on youtube also very good.

Maybe its easier to SEE some of the behaviours as the girlfriend/wife or partner of an acoa. Maybe when your in the 'fog' of your emotions its harder to see. Maybe when your one step removed your able to look at the situation with a different set of eyes. And have an interest to read and understand it. It must be especially hard when(he is) you are carrying out the 'dont think/feel' mentality as well.
If you've never been encouraged to share how something makes you feel, he wont be able to suddenly tell me what hurt ive caused.
He has managed it in the past but has fallen back into repeatative behaviours.

Maybe thats why he cant share with me what has really upset him. So im left to guess and ponder. Because i care for his wellbeing so much...

I feel at the moment he is finding it easier to blame me for all our problems. And is hiding away from confronting the truth.
He knows his childhood has effected him. But is so shutdown that he cant entertain anything else than blaming and feeling hurt by me.

You only know what you know after all. I would love to be able to share my understanding about acoa issues with him. I feel it would reassure him and help him feel safer and more understood.

Almost like taking a deep breath out after holding your breath in for a long time.

It must be very draining to block everything out from your mind...

His focus is work instead of drink/drugs etc....
His boss said to him a while ago to take a few days off and stop hiding behind work. I fear this is what he is doing again.
Its safer to plond through each day, then week, then month than confronting the real problems..

I guess i can read every single thing on acoa's and being brought up in disfuntional household. But wasted if i cant share through love/kindess/empathy and support...

I guess time will tell whether he really indents to sell our apartment.

AnvilheadII

you are assuming and diagnosing quite a bit about his condition and mental state. it could be he's just plain fed up. not everything an ACOA does is an ACOA prompted act or thought. and they do not require different treatment than anyone else.

when ever anyone asks you in multiple ways to leave them alone, the only appropriate response is to do exactly that. when someone expressly asks that you stop contacting them, the only appropriate response is to immediately stop contacting them.

how he feels, what he feels and why he feels it belongs to HIM. perhaps along with reading about ACOA, you could add some books on codependency.

ajarlson

So, because I am a full fledged ACoA with all the stories to go with that, I avoid conflict and confrontation like the plague and so, did not want to jump in here. However, thanks to AnvilheadII for taking the first plunge and demonstrating that a little outspokenness will not kill you (you're still alive Anvil, right?). That being said, my initial thought reading your post, Katyb123, was that, if he is truly an ACoA then telling you all that would be like jumping off a cliff in terms of anxiety-producing actions. We do not like confrontations. We avoid them at all costs, so if he is really an ACoA then he must have really worked up his courage to say all this stuff out loud which means he really means it. And if he's not an ACoA, then he still really means it. Maybe you shouldn't try to diagnose and parse everything he says under the ACoA microscope, and just listen. My 2 cents FWIW. Sorry we are perhaps not giving you the answers you want to hear.

tromboneliness

Ya, my wife and I are both like that -- we avoid confrontation at all costs (the main cost being a distance that has crept into our marriage/relationship over time, to where we're more like roommates a lot of the time). The way I look at it is, historically, couples were usually fairly... distant after awhile -- this whole idea that you're supposed to be fanatically, ecstatically "in love" your whole life, is a modern idea that has no basis in reality, past or present. There's work that could be done, sure -- but chasing an impossible ideal relationship is not the route to happiness. Ha... if I knew what the route to happiness was, I'd just post it, ask Mike to make it a Stickie, and we're all done here! No such luck....

Katyb123

Isnt there quite a bit difference between confrontation and communication?
In my ideal world would like to communicate with him. Not confront.
I dont want to confront him. I want to communicate with him.
I dont want to make him feel scared/frightened/angry/anxious.
If i had the chance to communicate with him it would come from love and kindness...
Surely thats the best anyone can ask for?

AnvilheadII

I dont want to confront him. I want to communicate with him.
I dont want to make him feel scared/frightened/angry/anxious.

except......he has asked you NOT to contact him. so no communication. you also cannot MAKE HIM FEEL anything. you are not responsible for how he feels, how he reacts, what he thinks.

i suspect you want to be HEARD....that you think a good talk will make it all better. that if he would only see your side.....

you can love from a distance. and respect his wishes.

ajarlson

In my ACoA world the lines become blurred between confrontation and communication especially if I have expressed that I don't want to communicate. Then, if the person still tries to communicate with me, I see that as confrontation and retreat even further. That being said, I have identified myself as ACoA, and have sought therapy for it and worked on identifying traits and triggers. Not sure how I would have felt if someone else labeled me and started doing to the identifying for me?

Katyb123

Well he is going down the legal route to sell our apartment and is still refusing to talk to me....