TerpGal

So I have been doing a lot of work with my therapist around my dad lately. My dad was and still is a binge drinker at 64. He is also severely mentally ill with the absolute worst anxiety and self esteem humanly possible. Of coirse he has never beem treated. He's quite insane now and has basically become a hoarder. It would be painfully obvious to anyone just talking to him for 5 minutes.

All this led to a childhood of massive chaos, fear, secrecy, verbal and physical abuse (one of my 5 brothers-never me, getting hit). A supremely angry man, my father also hates women so that was awesome as a little girl. In the archetypes of children in dysfunctional families, I was the one who always tried to keep the peace and half the time just tried to disappear so I wouldnt be a target. As an adult I have suffered very low self esteem, co depence, and severe distress when people are angry or unhappy (it must be my fault), and an almost compulsive need for people to like me. Of coirse I married an alcoholic (who is in recovery 2.5 years now thankfully). Of course being in that marriage for 10 years while he was drinking didnt help much.

I am trying to forgive me dad. Trying to let go of the pain of childhood. Trying to let the reasonable/rational adult in me give my inner child the love and nurturing she deserves and feel compassionate towards her. Part of this has come to a crux where I am finally understanding that my dad is sick.........sick people behave accordingly. Therefore there was nothing I did wrong. So my continied belief that everything is my fault.......and that all of those things he said about me that I believed to this day were never about me and they were never true. He did the best he could have done. He was sick. Not capable of any other way. Fair? No. True? Yes.

Its pretty clear he wont ever change and I need to give up on that. He will never be the dad I want him to be. Giving up on that...........is really painful. Its like a death. My tjerapist says once I can get past this, maybe I can appreciate what je does have to offer, if anything and love him anyway. I am working on setting boundaries. Of course as an unhealthy person he doesnt like that.

I am left feeling unmoored. If I cant tie myself to my family who isnt very healthy, who do I tie myself to? Is it even healthy to let another person be your mooring? And if so, can I really tie myself to........myself? Am I strong enough to ground myself in uncertain waters? Am I enough for myself?

Maudcat

Hi, Terpgal. Sounds like you are processing a lot of things. First, your dad. It is the saddest thing that we don't get the parents we should have. All I can say is that our parents parent the way they were parented.
Your father likely has damage from his childhood and, well, seems we just pass it on.
But..you can flip the script. Genetics aren't destiny. Work with your therapist, who sounds really good, btw. Keep thinking, keep pushing.
Many people find their connections with friends and loved ones,not necessarily with their family of origin.
Sometimes our parents are great examples of how not to be. Peace.

PhoenixJ

Hello Terpgal. I avoided your post because of it's label.

My narrative is definitive enough not to warrant anymore explanation. BUT my dad was an alcoholic. So was his dad. So I. My dad died while I was in a coma. I had little contact with him the last few years- trying my hardest to numb life though booze. As a consequence my sons do not talk to me.
I NEED to forgive my dad for myself. Otherwise I will carry an assortment of negative emotions for life. I accept who he was. Because I feel crap- to me that implies not all the way there with forgiving myself. I ask myself am I proof of my own existence? Have I the courage and strength to go this alone?

yes

I do not want to. But grief and letting go needs me to experience those feelings in whole. No running away. No booze. Just me, myself and I. If I was ever asked who was the major influence on my survival, my life- my sobriety?

me.

'cos I have no one else in my physical world - except professional friends ,who are great- but only as far as the pay is there.
SR is my virtual family

You are enough. Your comments show a growing, questioning maturity and awareness of you.
My support to you. PJ

CodeJob

Terp, You've really worked hard on a lot of things in your posts here at SR over the years. I have faith you can do this if you are steady and patient with yourself.

I grasp that feeling of being unmoored. That lack of connectedness to family is a core loss that led to trouble for me. Trouble in picking relationship partners ( a small parade of ACOAs). Trouble with perfection (I will save the day. Keep blame at bay.). Trouble with depression (Anger. Despair. Loneliness).

There are days when I look myself in the mirror and remind myself that now that I am in my forties, if something happens, I can save myself. I am my own mooring. You can do this too.

Eauchiche

To second CodeJob's reflections on being unmoored in a family, so was I. In retrospect, the real damage was happening while I stayed connected to it. Since I went "no contact" with the lot of them, I have been experiencing recovery from that damage.

I was never able to reconcile with my late father until after he died. This could also be true for you. Thanks for sharing!!!

Berrybean

I struggle to accept my father for what and who he is as well, although he was and is nowhere near as problematic as yours. Funny, I caught myself saying something to a broken-hearted teenage boy at school when he opened up that his dad didn't love him and was a bad dad and maybe it was because he had special needs. I told him that I'd love to be good at diving, but I was rubbish at it. That I was scared to jump off, and when ever I did I did a belly flop. Now I'm fed up with being rubbish at ut so I don't dare try any more. I told him not everyone is cut out to be a diver, and not everyone is cut out to be a dad. They're just not dad material because of how they are, and no matter what their kid was like that wouldn't change. And maybe no matter how much they wanted to be better at it, that wouldn't change either. I have no idea where that came from, but I try to remember my own advice and not take my own dad too personally.

I've done some inner child work as well, not with a therapist unfortunately, but it was still very helpful. I used the book Rescuing the Inner Child by Penny Parks.