seasaw

hey friends old and new, it's been a while <3

So I've been NC for almost 3 years now. I could talk about what that's like but I'd rather skip to what just happened if that's alright.

Yesterday, through a series of events, I found out she was in the hospital; my aunt talked to her cleaning lady, who said while my mom was out of the house she filled two big recycling bins with wine and whiskey bottles and that there were pills all over the place.

UNTIL NOW, I could let myself think that maybe she'd gotten herself together and was living a more functional life, not having gotten word one way or the other. But now I know. She's just numbing her pain away still, alone in her house, her only child not speaking to her, possibly alone on the holidays, it's all just so depressing.

I know I can't fix her, rescue her, she derailed my life SO HARD for the couple years before I went NC (and, maybe, my whole life, though I won't put all the blame on her).

But I'm fixating. She's living such a sad existence. I would say 'no one deserves that' but I know these are choices. But are they? I think she's mentally ill. She can't get up. And it's keeping me up at night, when I haven't been Really thinking about it for a year or two now.

Thanks for listening.

Carpathia

My parents are deceased, but while my father was alive he went through a dark period after my mother died where he drank uncontrollably.

I remember the feelings of despair trying to think of ways I could "fix" him.

That was many years ago. I wish I had someone who could have told me, you didn't cause it, you can't cure or control it, take care of yourself instead.

Your self-awareness is a gift even in sad times such as these. I don't know you, but I'm guessing you know what you need to do to take care of yourself. You have choices too. God bless.

PhoenixJ

Prayers to you all.

seasaw

I just found out she's driving drunk as well. I feel like it's only a matter of time.

My lovely dad died of a heart attack when I was 15. I don't want to have to tell people my mom died driving drunk at 70.

ajarlson

So sorry. I definitely feel your pain, and know that I would be in the exact same place if my mom was still alive. Haven't sorted all the feelings from the fact that she was murdered, new details have come out that have shown us it wasn't a peaceful death, but I can't help but feel that she's in a better place now than her existence here. Maybe she had gotten herself together but I will never know now as I was the only one she would show her true self to. So to everyone else, she was always "together" and "ok" even though they knew she drank and took too many pills. Hang in there. Sorry, I have no words of advice, just a shoulder to lean on. I guess the only thing that helped me through it all was to remember all the things she did that led up to the NC, it helped to actively start remembering all the things she did and I would realize as I started the litany that it could go on for a VERY long time and would start to feel a bit better about my decision. Sorry you're going through this.

thotful

I think it's perfectly reasonable to grieve for the pain your loved one is going through. And the agony and guilt we can feel at the fact that we can't help them. No amount of screaming or hollering or convincing will remove their disease. Heck, we could drag them into an AA meeting - make them sit there and listen, and it still could not work. I was about to mention the horse and water analogy, but found it quite strange - lead a horse to water but it won't drink...we want the opposite.

I haven't even heard from my father in years and we never had an official falling out. I don't know if he's worse or better or the same. I do expect some day I'll find out he's passed away, but maybe long after it's happened and only from sibs who actually speak to me.

I still wish I could fix things. I'm so glad for meetings because I need the CONSTANT reminder that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Even if my father finally started accepting help, the disease could still take his life (Robin Williams, etc).

So, instead, I turn to taking care of me. But I also try and listen to my heart and let my little inner child talk about his pain. Dad's not around. Dad's sick. We miss him. We grieve.

When I'm able to grieve and able to be true to myself, I'm able to heal myself. It sucks that I can't rescue all of my loved ones - I can only work on me. Interestingly enough, I end up having a positive influence on many people in my life. It's not much solace, cause deep down, I want my work to save my Dad. Thanks for the reminder. Still more work to do to let him go.

I love my dad and will miss him. Hugs to you as you grieve. I'm here.

me too.

tromboneliness

This is a sad story. But NC was the right decision. Good luck.

T

FeelingGreat

Hi SS, do you want to try to 'cure' her, or just be assured of her welfare?

She probably was alone for the holidays, which would be dreadful for you, but could be what she wanted. You can't wipe yourself out in peace if there's others around.

If you go contact again, don't do it with a view to her getting better or even behaving better than before. You would have to be very detached and not let her interfere with your life in any way.