KcACA

I am starting to realize I harbor a lot of resentment for my mother. As a child she never stood up for us, coddled my father, and tries to prevent anything that would cause him to lose his temper. She expected us to do the same. As an adult the behavior is the same on her part. Us children on the other hand range from resentment to just being cordial without much of a relationship. My relationship with my mother is to the point something has to change but she doesn't see things the way we all do. She still thinks she can get my self centered, uncompromising, and short tempered father to do things. This in turn leads to her being disappointing and unreliable. I have told her several times I can't deal with this anymore. I live 105 minutes from them and just recently she made the announcement she wanted to meet halfway over the weekend to go boating and camping. Later on I realized she hasn't discussed it with my father and he refused to go somewhere new. Without any heads up they decided to go somewhere 45 minutes from them and 2.5 hours from us. I tried to explain to my mom why I was upset and she blames my father and begins to explain how upset she was but he had everything ready to go when she got back from the store. I do not put any faith in my father. I do not hold him to any accountability because he doesn't follow through with much. For some reason she does. I put forth a lot of effort to have a good relationship with my mother, but I don't get the same in return. She doesn't make time to call me, work through any issues, and she doesn't make any type of plans because of my father. I have told her time and time again how this bothers me. I'm to the point I feel like something has to change or I will just give up on her like I have with my father, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She doesn't talk things out and hates any type of confrontation. If I try to talk to her, it will just end with her hanging up on me and waiting it out until I'm over it. Any advice, support would be great.

Eauchiche

Why not just avoid the lot of them and do something YOU enjoy with people you enjoy?

I know, it is easier said than done. I must confess a personal regret that I didn't go no contact with my family of origin at different times in history. They always managed to shame me back into submission. In hindsight, I COULD have done just that.

The fact you live 105 miles away is a big blessing.

Good luck to you. Keep coming back here for support.

KcACA

I would say this would be the best route, I guess I should have mentioned I have daughter and they come up here every two weeks to see her. That is one of the issues, the visits are usually disruptive. They are not planned ahead of time, my dad doesn't want to do anything that keeps him away from having a drink, and I end up spending the weekend appeasing them versus doing the things my husband and I enjoy doing. They are great grandparents, much better than what we had as kids. I just get frustrated because they can't make a plan for anything. I told my mom last weekend that I didn't want her to come up this weekend because I don't like them being here two weekends in a row, they will be here the weekend after for my birthday, because they disrupt our plans. The thing is I want to have a good relationship with my mom, but her constantly babying my dad and exp vying the same from us is to the point to the point where I feel like she gives us very little because she is too busy trying to please him.

CodeJob

Hello KcACA,

If you search boundaries, you might get a plethora of good threads to read through about setting some.

I am too nice. I was saved because my family lives 8 hours away. If they are visiting your daughter frequently, you can definitely start laying some boundaries for the time period they are in your home visiting your daughter.

Once the boundary is stated though, the trick is to KEEP it. It gets A LOT easier once they figure out something has changed in you, and you aren't going to be swayed. Quite frankly, it isn't much different than telling a kid, no and then sticking with that 'no' despite the tantrum. The acting out gets less and less. And if you get the silent treatment for a few weeks, enjoy it rather than react to it.

Boundaries. Fences. Walls. Safety measures for your personal space and peace of mind.

KcACA

I was honestly hoping there would be some input on how to fix these co tinted issues. I am in now way able to cut my family out of my life. I have a brother and two sisters who all live near my parents. I want a better relationship with my mother but she doesn't see how she constantly coddles my dad and thinks we all over react about our childhood with him. I just want to have a healthy and good relationship with my mom that doesn't involve me having to constantly give into what she thinks is right, which is being passive and letting my dad be in constant xo troll of everything. I can't have a relationship with her and him be out of the picture as they are still married. I am just completely indifferent when it comes to my father.

caretaker88

I think the answer to this situation is acceptance and forgiveness. I know it is hard to accept, but your mom is who she is. She is not going to change, but YOU can. I used to get so frustrated and angry with my mom and her codependency issues and lack of reliability! Eventually, I had to accept that she would always be this way and that I would never have the relationship with her that I wanted so badly. It was really hard to do and it hurt so bad, but I let these expectations of what I thought she should be doing go. I am more at peace now and have a love for her that I did not know I could have. Sure, there are times when I still get upset when she cancels plans, but I have accepted that that will always be a possibility and will not count on her when it is really important. Sad, but true.

Also, you need to try to forgive her. This is for YOUR own sense of peace, not hers. If you hold on to resentment and unrealistic expectations, it will destroy you. If you look at it, she has been married to an alcoholic for a very long time and the behavior she is demonstrating is a direct result of her coping with that relationship. She doesn't know any better. This is how she has learned to survive. I actually feel sorry for my mom. I would hate to be the one that others pity.

KcACA

Thanks for that. I know what you are saying is probably the answer, it's also always the answer. I forgive her over and over, but deep down I do continue to resent the fact that it's always happening. My mom is a good mom, but she also has a lot of faults. I used to feel sorry forher, but there comes a point when you realize she made her choices. Here we are though, I haven't spoken to her since Saturday and we won't speak until I call her or it's been over a week and she finally decides to make an effort. There will be a conversation, I will vent, and a month or two from now we will be here again. Memorial weekend we drove 4 hours to go spend the weekend with the family at a cabin and lake. My parents brought their boat and my father is the only one that can drive it. In three days we were on the boat four hours. My dad would hide in the camper and nap, ignore the rest of the group. He refused to get around in the morning and once out on the lake he was so ready to get back. He looked for any excuse to pull back in the dock and sit for two more hours. My husband and my brother were at the point day three that they wouldn't do it again. Once we got home I explained to my mom that my husband was basically saying we weren't going to be participating in another family lake trip. We drove 8 hours round trip with a toddler, to spend 4 hours on a boat and 3 hours a day coddling my dad and doing everything we could to get on the water without making him mad. My mother told me she understood, my husband rarely gets agitated with anyone and usually if he's the on who is there is warrant. After telling me she would talk to him about it because she also thought it was a bit ridiculous I got a call back the next day. She changed her tune, defended my dad and made excuse after excuse. Although we all have been on boats and driven regularly, we also weren't allowed to drive the entire time, because he didn't think we could handle it.
Around Christmas we were all over at my parents house playing a game, drinking a little, and hanging out into the evening. My mom was putting my daughter to bed in their room and my dad was out in the garage alone. He comes in and tries to go to his bedroom. I asked him four times not to go in there and wake my daughter up. I finally got up and blocked the hallway and told him, mom is putting my daughter to bed. You need to wait until ahe is done. He threw a huge fit, stomped out to the garage, slamming the door behind him. I waited a few minutes and then went out to siffuse the situation. I was basically trying to explain I wasn't trying to be rude, but he wakes my daughter up all the time when we are in town and she was tired. I didn't want him to wake her up right before she fell asleep and it take an extra hour for her to finally go down. He started ahoving me and trying to get me out of the garage. He was yelling that it was his house and I shouldn't be telling him anything. I went inside. Two hours later I'm being reprimanded by my mom for interfering. There was no talking about the fact that he was so wasted he decided it was ok to put his hands on me. She just kept telling me I should have let him go in and she would have handled it. That was the first time my dad had put his hands on me since I moved out, the fact that it could still happen and my mom would still back him up just brought up old feelings and resentment. I think that is the reason our fighting has been escalating. I don't know how she can not see what is wrong with all of this. I live a normal life, with a normal husband, and a normal family 25 days a month. The four of five days a month I see them, there is usually some sort of chaos.

Sandraxia

I think she will refuse to see it at least as long as you will refuse to see it. She lets hom shove you and still defends him. You let him shove you and still go back there and bring your children to them. Since you are the only one seeing clearly, you are the one with the highest chance of ending this situation. Don't allow anyone to shove you. Don't let your kids think it's okay to shove mommy. Do not go to people who don't respect you. Obviously your parents do not respect you enough to even refrain from physical harm (even though you have done absolutely nothing wrong). Keep absolute distance until they apologize and show clear signs of of improvement. The justice you are longing for will never come. You have to protect yourself and your family, unlike your mother, who still chooses to comply.

Maudcat

Hmmm. Doesn't sound as though the family outings are giving you much joy. It is hurtful when your mother "cares" for your father more than she does you and your siblings. But...she is not going to change the habits and relationship of many years, and your father sees no need to. How about giving yourself a break from family get togethers? It's a boundary that won't feel good, not at first. But it could help you find peace. Don't know if this has come up in other posts, but do you attend Al-Anon meetings. ? Al-Anon can really help to give you tools that will help you cope with this sad situation.

tromboneliness

And the answer is, you can't fix this stuff. You can't change people. Believe me, if there were a way to do it, the answer would be pinned as a sticky at the top of the forum, and we could all go home happy, joyous, and free. But that doesn't work. Your parents are not going to change. If "but I can't cut off contact, they're great grandparents except that everything my Dad does revolves around drinking" are the particulars, those are not going to change -- either you keep putting up with them and resenting, it, or you set some boundaries and refuse to get stomped on like a doormat anymore. I hate to put it that way, but it boils down to the fact that there is no way you can change these behaviors -- either you find a way to accept them and be happy, or you accept them and be resentful... or you stop putting up with it and refuse to submit anymore! I don't see them being such "great" grandparents -- if they disregard your wishes and needs so much, what's great about that?

T

ajarlson

So sorry for your situation. But tromboneliness is right. I used to weigh the good vs bad about my mother, when it came to my children. Until one day I realized that any exposure they had to the selfish behavior exhibited by the alcoholic was damaging and that I had the power to stop it. It took too long for me and I have apologized to my children many times about how sorry I am that I let their grandmother treat me, and them, the way she did. I ended up going no contact, but others have managed to put boundaries around their relationships and continue in a limited and protected fashion. It's all what you feel strong enough to enforce and what they will live with as well. My mom wouldn't allow boundaries and pushed them at every step until I was too worn down to deal with it anymore, but everyone is different. Good luck in your search for peace, unfortunately you can't change people (except yourself) and there are no easy answers.