checking in. trigger warning: depressive share
 

it feels like pulling teeth to post this. but i'm slacking off on all my self-care. i'm three days in bed now, just distracting myself with tv and other escapist behaviors. following right in my mom's footsteps. i guess this is a post about character assassination, not knowing who you are or what your purpose is without someone else being around to tell you how you're supposed to be living. i don't know how to write my own narrative - Nmom/Amom always did that for me.

i've come really far in some ways - i'm on way better meds, i'm not dealing with as much of the affect of the major depressive disorder that took a major upswing after the initial NC euphoria wore off. i hit the self-care hard out of desperation for months - talk therapy, getting into an out patient mental health program for meds, going to three kinds of meetings every week, trying to take walks. but i stopped a couple months ago. and now, it's like... i'm crying a lot less, i'm less emotional... but what's left is the indifference, this dangerous ambivalence.

i can't get myself to care enough to do anything. a reasonable person would suggest getting a hobby, something, anything to just engage in some sort of activity. it scares me how little motivation i have to do what i need to do in order to live a life. and i know therapy/meds/meetings/exercise is the recipe. how can i care so little? my therapist would say it's under-medicated major depressive disorder talking. but i'm pretty medicated. sigh. i feel like i need to actually alter on a basic personality level and barring that, this is what i'll always be dealing with. tired refrain. i'm tired of my own company.

mr seasaw and i are still going so strong. i feel like he deserves better. i miss my friends. i'm so isolated here. i feel like my once well oiled social skills are getting real rusty.

i know it's hard to read posts like these. you don't need to feel compelled to give me a pep talk. i just needed to say it to a group who would accept and understand me.

:thanks

Hello sea saw,

What are you doing? Staying in bed watching hoop??

have you tried these free sessions? Maybe the guided sessions will help. I do them lying down, so you can binge and catch up right where you are.

You Are. That is all that matters. You clearly are not your mom. :Meditate:

:egg17::bunny8:
Call your MD re - med adjustment.

https://chopracentermeditation.com

Yikes, that sounds awful. Sorry to hear that :(

hmmm... sounds to me like you swung way over to super-recovery and now you are swinging to the opposite extreme. I do that too, swing from one extreme to another. The whole concept of "balance" is something I still work on.

That would be reasonable for a person with a normal childhood. We ACoA's are _special_ ;)

Would you say "under" medicated? Or perhaps just not _balanced_ medicated? And does your brain function well enough when not correctly medicated to be able to self-diagnose?

I don't know about that. ACoA issues are _not_ basic personality issues, they're just obsolete survival skills.

Now if it turns out that in real life you are some kind of purple alien from outer space with green tentacles and yellow claws well then ... maybe.... you do have something deep going on <joke>

Yeah we get it. Go ahead and vent all you want, that is what we are here for.

Mike :)

i love you guys.

Facebook just told me i'm a day late and a buck short for a weekend long annual conference i would have totally gotten out of bed for.... OF COURSE i 'forgot'. because my brain is made of swiss cheese. you know one of the side effects of one my my most essential meds (keeps me from having migraines) is 'lowered intellect'?? i'm sitting on my couch right now fuming quietly so i don't wake up mr seasaw. just so typical of myself. i know, be easy on myself. but F*CK! i could have afforded it, it was local... rarrrrr! and there's not enough time to get to it now.

no problem solving needed. just a perfect, real time nugget of an example of self sabotage.

codejob - more like Poirot, the Muppets, the 100, and Horace and Pete :)

D Eyes - thanks for your reminders. really.

eta - pushing the conference out of my mind until it was too late is totally 'seasaw' behavior, with or without the migraine meds. i just miiiiight have remembered in time and done something maybe without the swiss cheese effect.

Hi Seasaw! Funny, I was just thinking of you today and popped on the forum to see what was going on. Hope you're feeling better <hugs>
I had just realized that I hadn't talked to/heard from/heard about my mother for months now. Personally, I think as ACoA we have a built in defense mechanism that allows us to disconnect from people easily, but sometimes I think, wow, I should care more, when I realize how easy it is. I have to work on staying connected to the people I care about instead of retreating into myself. That helps, but yes it is way too easy to retreat. Keep fighting the good fight, glad to hear from you.

Hi ajarlson <3

I got myself to a coda meeting today, so i'm patting myself on the back for that. me and mr seasaw were at odds all weekend. i'm trying to put myself together. maaahhhhh.

disconnecting from people - yeah, it can be easy, which can be dangerous, because once that switch gets flipped it's next to impossible to get it back. but i'm so glad it's there, in the case of the truly toxic and dysfunctional - like with our moms. i'm glad for you that NC is going well like it should. being around my mom for a few weeks surrounding the end of my grandma's life was sooooo tricky, but in some ways it didn't feel like an interruption of being NC. the switch had been flipped, and even being in the same room with her didn't change the fact that i had excised her from my life. i could see her for who she truly is. so should you care more? nope cuz you done seen the light girlfriend!

i just sent off an email volunteering to do outreach work for the lovely local place that hosts support groups and other recovery resources to people like us in my area, they just happened to make a Facebook post looking for people today and i responded. human interaction here i come. :omfg:

I have a lot of tendencies towards isolation. So does my RAH. It is something well addressed in the giving back aspects of the 12 steps.

Good for you to get out to a Coda meeting!

Keep up posting here, Seasaw. Has your MD looked into seasonal affect with you? How about a Vit D levels?

Take care!

Glad you're getting out! Hang in there! :You_Rock_