ca2vt

Both my parents are alcoholics but the one that affects me the most is my mom. She has gotten really bad since I moved across the country 4 years ago - drinking excessively, getting 2 DUI's, and controlling my father, who is in his 70's. I recently got engaged and my mom instantly made the whole thing about her. My fiancé and I have both decided that we don't want to get married in the Catholic Church, even though I was raised Catholic, which has sent my mom in to an insane state. I honestly believe her anger is more about a loss of control than anything else. She has been calling me 5-10 times a day and when I actually pick up, she is sobbing or yelling at me for not doing what she wants after the great childhood she gave me. Although my childhood was great, it also involved her drinking a lot and me caring for her. This has been very hurtful to my fiancé and me and I'm now to the point where I'm not she I even want her at the wedding or even in my life at all. Her behavior is nothing short of emotional abuse and I fear that she will be drunk and the wedding and make a scene. It's so hard for me to imagine planning a wedding without my mom, but she's not even in a sober state to help me! What do I do? My fiancé and I have no idea how to handle this and it's really been hard as we've been trying to enjoy our first few weeks of engagement.

Mountainmanbob

Sounds like mom is a drunk. If she shows up at the wedding tell her she must be sober. No drinking for mom either before or at the wedding. Drunks need to realize that normies don't want them around in that condition.

Tuff love.

It's your special wedding day
make sure to keep it special.

MM

least

You are perfectly in the right to not invite her to the wedding. It's supposed to be your happy day and she could ruin it. I wouldn't invite her if I were you.

MIRecovery

I would establish some very clear boundaries. If she can't converse with you rationally or calls drunk or drinking do not invite her and it may be necessary to get a personal protection order

ca2vt

Thank you everyone for giving me the confidence I needed to make the decision not to include her if she continues drinking. The wedding is still over a year away so I'm hoping that will give her time to try to achieve sobriety but if she is unable, it's not fair to me or my fiancé for her to come.

EveningRose

I agree. Do not let her ruin your wedding.

If I ever get married again, it'll probably be a justice of the peace with me, the groom, and required witnesses. Maybe my kids. I no longer care about all the things I 'should' do, according to my family, because they have not shown concern for what they themselves should do.

Lightinthedark

Hi, this is actually my first time posting but I came on here after a difficult conversation with my mother this evening. although alcohol has always been an issue in our relationship things came to a head last year at my wedding. Coming from someone who had their day ruined I urge to to pick what will make you happy. I hate looking back at the day and seeing the things that went wrong and also being embarrassed of her actions. My now husband also resents my parents for being so selfish on our day and ruining what should have been a day filled with joy and love. I too am Catholic and to this day she still harps on us getting married outside of the church. At the end of the day do what will make you happy and you will look back at for the rest of your life and smile.

AdelineRose

I know when you think about planning a wedding it seems hard to imagine planning and having one without your mom, but just from what you have written I feel as if this is just the beginning and the closer the wedding gets the more out of control she will get.

Your wedding is about YOU and your FIANCE and chances are she is going to bring all the attention onto herself and create a very large scene. While it might make you sad to picture your wedding without her, try to imagine what having a wedding with her there would entail (and be honest with yourself, it gets easy to tell ourselves that our loved ones wouldn't do that to us, wouldn't drink excessively, would just want you to be happy, etc. even though that is not how they ever act).

This is your day and you need to do what you feel is best for YOU. Do what you feel is right because when it comes to dealing with addicts, nothing is ever how it is "supposed to be" and scenes, drama, violence, yelling, disappointment, hurt, and regret seem to really outweigh any sentimental value for what could have been only had the person stayed sober.

maia1234

Ca,
I am so sorry that you have been dealing with alcoholic parents forever. Have you ever looked into attending an alanon meeting? You could really learn a lot. Also we have a forum for friends and family of alcoholics that you could go and read stuff that might help you deal with the issues you have been dealing with.

The issue here is your mother is an alcoholic and expecting her to "get" sober for your big day is really not realistic. I know that the comment might hurt but alcoholics really have to hit rock bottom before they acknowledge their "ways". I don't think the "most" important day of your life will get her to do it. I think that you really should reach out for some support and then make the decision about your wedding.

Educate yourself on what you really want regarding the wedding. But by telling her that she cant drink at the wedding, who is going to baby sit her. Also she would come drunk before hand and then sneak alcohol. Plus even if you didn't serve alcohol at the wedding she would bring it with her, like my AXH use to do. There are a lot of different scenarios that you need to ask yourself and what you would accept. The bottom line is, that she is over 21 years old and can drink and get drunk at your wedding. It is up to you to accept it or figure out other options not to have it ruin your day.

Keep reaching out and asking questions, there are a lot of wise people on this forum.

Kialua

When I got married I didn't have any alcohol at my wedding just in case my dad got drunk and abusive. So my side went to a local bar and his side had a party at their house. Worked for me.

Have a plan B in case she shows up drunk, find a couple guys that will escort her out if she gets out of hand.

As far as getting married out of the church, I don't think that is an alcoholic matter the way she is reacting. I don't want my daughter marrying outside the church and I am not an alcoholic. This is a whole 'nuther level of stuff going on. It's easy to blanket all behavior as alcoholic but even if you mom was sober 10 years she may still balk about that. I'm not saying do it or don't do it, I am just saying this runs deeper than her alcoholic problem, which of course exacerbates it.