EveningRose

I was reading a post today about someone living with chronic pain...and how to handle that.

It seems to me that living with an alcoholic family is the emotional equivalent. Constant pain. It dulls some days, but it never stops. And I realize it's never going to. Even when my parents die, they've trained my siblings well. And my parents and siblings are leaving my kids in confusion as to who I am, such that I had yet another incident of 'let's keep everything a secret from mom' this weekend. (They believe they have to keep secrets from me because I'm 'unreasonable' because that's the family narrative.)

At my daughter's wedding a couple months ago, I happened to wake up just at the wrong/right time to hear one of my siblings encouraging my youngest child to just keep secrets from me--just make sure she doesn't find out.

Same weekend, my oldest sibling took her chance, as my boyfriend came out of the reception line, I kid you not, to pull him into the family drama. She pulled him aside--at what was supposed to be a joyous occasion, my child's wedding--and start talking to him about my (supposed) problems and how he had to talk sense into me, had to get me to come around....and then, just to leave us in some doubt whether we were being set up on a comedy 'punked' type show, assured him, "She thinks we talk about her, but we don't! We NEVER talk about her! We don't talk about her!"

I watched the narcissistic mother video someone else posted here, and a few other videos that brought in its wake, of narcissistic parents, talking about how these people train the next generation to carry on with the abuse and ugliness even after their deaths.

How do people cope with chronic pain?

How do we cope with knowing this is our life, and this ugliness is NOT going to end? Ever.

CodeJob

I'm sorry Rose. It's insidious. Of course your refusal to play the game makes you 'unreasonable.' Keep living in truth and honesty.

DesertEyes

I like that, I think it's a perfect analogy.

People with chronic pain do _not_ talk about "recovery", because it never gets better. ACoA's talk about recovery because we _do_ get better.

I use the "three A's" of recovery from my dysfunctinal upbringing.

The first thing I did was come to the Awareness that it was _not_ my life. It was the life that was forced upon me through brainwashing from the adults in my "Family Of Origin."

Next I had to work on Accepting that I needed to build a new life for myself, of my own choosing, separate from all toxic and dysfunctional people. As long as I stayed in _their_ life I would feel the feelings _they_ wanted me to feel.

Then I had to take Action, which for me was a couple good therapists and a lot meetings of 12 step programs. Today I _choose_ which people I want in the life I have built for me, and I get to have my own feelings. My life today is world's better than what I had when I first got out of that crazy family, I would never even think of going back.

Mike

EveningRose

This is my frustration, Mike. I have removed myself from their lives, removed them from mine. I reduced contact to only kids' graduation parties 7 years ago, and about 4-5 years ago, when they snubbed me even in my own home at those graduation parties, cut all contact.

I have a job I love, I pursue interests I love and do well at it. I have built a life many people would actually envy.

But they insinuate themselves through my children. They are affecting my children and have pulled them into the toxicity.

DesertEyes

Check out the forums "next door" where the spouses of alchoholics face the same challenges after divorce. They find the same kind of toxic influence from the "qualifier" on their children. They have a lot of tips and techniques to help with that.

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com

Mike

EveningRose

Thank you! What good news to find there's a place that might have answers. In fact, my kids are getting the same influence and 'family narrative' both from my family and their dad, who is thick as thieves with my family.

ItsViolet

Thank you Mike for this great post--such helpful and inspiring words

TwistedHipster

As someone who has fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, I can tell you that yes, it is similar. And then some.

Last year, I was in a psychiatric intensive outpatient program. The people there with me had psychiatric issues and/or substance abuse problems. I was amazed at how many women in the program had fibromyalgia or rheummatoid arthritis (fibro does affect mostly women).

I have done quite a bit of research on fibromyalgia and therapeutic treatments. There are some programs that focus on healing fibromyalgia by addressing childhood trauma/abuse. I am inclined to agree that there is a correlation.

Emotional pain doesn't go away. It gets stored in our bodies.

EveningRose

Wow....just wow. How sad. I had no idea. And yet, it doesn't surprise me. People always tell me I'm strong, and I never quite know why they think so or what they're seeing, but then I hear things like this and think I have been given graces to get through this.

tromboneliness

This has to be frustrating... and the thing is, the kids are going to think what they're going to think. They're going to say what they're going to say. The 'rents are going to do whatever -- eventually, they'll be gone, which is good, but in the meantime, they can still keep drizzling toxic waste all over everything, and there's nothing that can be done.

Basically, the dilemma sounds like it's: I could totally disconnect from the toxic-waste drizzlers, but the only way to do that would also throw the kids under the bus... or at least miss out on parts of their lives that I want to be involved with. Other than sneaking out to a meeting after every such event, not sure what to suggest, since you can't just give them a...



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