Summ

I am NEW here, and basically to all of this. I have been reading everything for days now. I guess what brought me here is the latest sad, delusional, passive aggressive drunken flailings of my AM. I read the book ACOA years ago, so much hit home. I took most of it and worked on my self.

I have basically always stayed away from my mom. We were not close, I am not sympathetic, so she stays away from me a lot too with her drama. I like to think I have good boundaries, but these episodes just make me want to go NC. Then I think, she deserves a chance. She is an addict, an adult child of alcoholics herself, a codie, her spouse is an addict. She has been all of these for my whole life, with the role of "spouse" changing but always abusive. I have never talked to her about her drinking because... why? She denies, blames, gets defensive, angry, lies lol. Makes jokes of it. I don't have time for that, never did. Besides, she is never sober anymore as far as I know.

But I guess I just opened pandoras proverbial box hey? Because it has now snowballed into looking at how it has effected my sister (much closer than I am to mom) and our kids, one of my nephews is doing and selling meth, we just found out. She is not equipped to help him given het position and of course he is a little codie acting out for her.... it s just opened me up to looking back on our whole lives. Her and i both have overcome our own addictions at this point, on our own. I dont even think she or anyone in our families know come to think of it.

So, I look at mom and think... before just going NC doesn't she deserve a chance at least to be offered help? Even though I really really doubt she will take it or use it as intended. I just do not think she is able. I dont blame her, a WHOLE LIFE of all these ****** things and coping as she has...I wouldnt know where to begin either. Besides, when having help, she has always been really proud of how clever she is getting past these "professionals" in the past. She lies to them, of course. Also, if we offer some kind of intervention/ultimatum then we have to restablish boundaries and roles in recovery and I would rather she just get better on her own and not die and be my problem, much like it is now.... if I may be so blunt. I just don't want her to even be an issue in my life at all. But she is my mom and we do share family so... it's not that easy. And I am totally lost on how to navigate these issues. Any advice?

DesertEyes

Hello Summ, and welcome to our corner of recovery

In ACoA, when one of us stops the chaos of addiction and does _not_ pass it on to the next generation, the way you have stopped it in your life, we call it "breaking the chains." It sounds to me like you have done a great job of that.

I did talk to my own parents about their problems. A lot. Like you mentioned, mine never accepted any of it and I finally gave up.

Depends. There are many different kinds of "help". The help that you have been offering her all your life has not done any good, so clearly there is no point in trying that again.

There are other types of help available, but the chance to use those is up to _her_. Nothing you have done has made any difference, so I think it's time for her to put in _some_ effort for her own recovery.

The most popular form of help for them is the programs of AA and NA. Getting them to actually embrace those programs is a major challenge. The specific actions you can take in order to help your mom can be found in meetings of Al-anon, and in our forum "next door."

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You are correct. Interventions are _very_ difficult to set up, and even more difficult to actually have them work.

Of course. We all want that for our family members.

One of the objectives of ACoA is to help us establish and maintain the boundaries that you have mentioned. One of them is that toxic parents are _not_ our problem. The fact that we share DNA with a person does not _force_ us to include them in our hearts and families. We make a distinction between "family of origin" and "family of choice."

It's very tricky. That is why there are world-wide organizations like ACoA and al-anon, tons of self-help books on the shelves at the bookstore, therapists and shrinks and counselors, and even episodes on TV talk shows.

You have already started by asking questions here on SR. The next step is to continue your education on the details of this "family disease". Meetings of al-anon, especially their wonderful books, and the family forum next door can give you most of the information you need.

As you do your "research" you will find that we have our own terminology, which can be confusing. Feel free to post whatever questions you may have, that is what SR is all about.

You can get a lot more info about interventions by calling a hospital in your area that has a "recovery center" and ask to speak with an intake counselor. They can give you specific informatin as to what resources are available in your area.

The ultimate objective is for you to have an "action plan." This means that you know exactly what you will do when your mother gets into worse trouble due to her alcoholism. Suppose you get a call that she got a DUI and is sitting in jail, what actions would you take? Suppose she fall and cracks her skull and winds up in the hospital, what do you do? Suppose she becomes homeless, what then?

By doing all the research I suggest you will _not_ be surprised and forced into last minute choices that may not be the best for you, or your mother. We call that "hope for the best, but plan for the worst."

I am sorry that you had to come here in search of answers. Alcoholism in a family member can be a nightmare. I hope we are able to provide solutions to your questions so you can pick and choose what will work best for you.

Welcome again

Mike

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Summ!!

It sounds like your approach is very healthy, good boundaries and accepting the limits of your own influence over someone else's addiction, the reality quite rightly stated is that until they themselves want to change, there's only so much that someone can do, even children of the addict.

The way forward I found in my own life is to stop focusing on the alcoholic parent, in my case, my dad, and start focusing on ourselves, how is your life going? are you giving it enough attention? is this causing you unhealthy stress? is your life on hold as a result?

For me I needed to get support for ME, my dad was an alcoholic, and never admitted that he was, right up until he died, of his alcoholism, so what was the point for focusing on him and trying to get him to change, in hindsight that ship had sailed, instead I needed to live MY life and get some support for ME!!

SR is a great place for support, we have people that have grown up in similar situations, aswell as have had their own addictions, and those that have been on both sides of the fence, so a wealth of wisdom and support.

Face to face support, I'd recommend al-anon, it's fantastic, a great place with other like minded people!!

We can only do what we can do, and sometimes nothing will work, but don't let your own life pass you by, don't let another person's addiction affect your life, because they may never change, for me this acceptance and shift in focus was the key to building my own life!!

Great to have you here with us!!

Summ

Thank you so much for the supportive feedback and replies Made me tear up a bit reading them. It is just nice to be understood sometimes!
I actually did go to a meeting that night, I tried one for ACOA but no one was there so I drove across the city and caught an al-anon one. First ever. My sister and I are going to try for another ACOA one Thursday so hopefully that works out. I think that talking about the alcoholic in my life is what i need now, more than talking about myself. I feel like al-anon would be better for me if i was dealing with her more often, but I am not.
DesertEyes, you hit the nail on the head when you were talking about making a plan for the if's and when's catastrophe strikes. If it wasn't for my sister, nephews, and son I can't say I would have anything to do with mom. But they will be the first to get called and I want to be able to support them ... if and when ☺ I have spoken to them and they understand where I am at, and support me choosing no contact if that's the case, and strict boundaries otherwise. So that is a big relief too!